NFL Fake Trades!

My good friend Jeremy Lambert checks in to help make a mockery of the NFL trade deadline......




The NFL Trade Deadline is upon us. Unlike trade deadlines in other sports, the NFL Trade Deadline usually sucks as no one of importance is traded. The biggest reason for this is that NFL schemes are complicated and it’s tough to trade for a player, plug him into your system, and expect success in two or three weeks.

However, this year we’ve already seen Percy Harvin dealt to the New York Jets and there are rumors that guys like Doug Martin, Zac Stacy, Vincent Jackson, Marshawn Lynch, and others might be traded. They probably won’t be traded, but it’s fun to speculate.

It’s also fun to speculate about guys who definitely won’t be traded.

So here are some fake trades. I’m just going to assume that these deals all work within the salary cap and not do any actual research on that particular point. Also, for the most part, these are framework deals. I’m also going to assume that teams will throw in garbage players and draft picks.

New Orleans Saints trade Drew Brees to Philadelphia Eagles for Nick Foles

According to Chip Kelly expert Dustin James, Chip Kelly doesn’t really like Nick Foles. I don’t know if he’ll like Drew Brees any better because Brees can’t really run the read option either, but he’s still Drew Friggin Brees. And you know what he has that Chip Kelly doesn’t? A Super Bowl ring. If anyone can run an up-tempo offense, it would be Brees. And if the Eagles want to make a run at the Super Bowl this year, something they seem pretty poised to do, I’d definitely trust Brees over Foles.

As for the Saints, they aren’t going anywhere this season. Even if they win the crappy NFC South, their defense sucks so bad that they’ll be out in the first round of the playoffs. So why not cut ties the 35-year old Brees and bring in the 25-year old Foles and add a draft pick as well? Maybe Chip Kelly doesn’t like Foles, but he’s a proven NFL caliber quarterback and Jimmy Graham, when healthy, can make any QB look pretty good.

Seattle Seahawks trade Marshawn Lynch to Carolina Panthers for their entire secondary

Jonathan Stewart is the only healthy Panthers running back right now. Jonathan Stewart is never stays healthy, so I don’t expect that to last long. Seattle reportedly is going to cut ties with Lynch after this season, so they may as well get something for him. How about the entire secondary of one team? Did you see how well the Panthers secondary was against the Seahawks this past week? They could definitely teach Richard Sherman a thing or two. Plus, isn’t Pete Carroll some kind of genius? He should be able to mix and match those guys and put them in a position to succeed. I’d give you the names of the guys in the Panthers secondary, but I don’t know any of them since they never make any plays.

Arizona Cardinals trade Larry Fitzgerald to Detroit Lions for Calvin Johnson

Fitzgerald was the best receiver in the league a few years ago. Now that title belongs to Johnson when he’s healthy. Right now he’s not healthy and that’s why the Lions should trade him. They are winning without him and by adding Fitzgerald, they would actually be upgrading their receiving core. An on the field yet pretty ineffective Larry Fitzgerald is better than a sidelined Calvin Johnson. I think. And who knows, maybe being in Detroit will revitalize Fitzgerald. He has pretty good career numbers against them anyway. As for the Cardinals, this is a no-brainer. Even if Johnson can’t play, he’ll be at about the same value as Fitzgerald and if he can play, he’ll put that offense over the top.

New York Jets trade Geno Smith to Philadelphia Eagles for Mark Sanchez

THE SANCHIZE IS BACK BABY! The Jets need a competent quarterback who knows the system. One out of two ain’t bad. I’ve never been a believer in Geno Smith, but maybe he’ll fit into Chip Kelley’s offense. Probably not, but it’s not like Geno would be the starter unless Drew Brees or Matt Barkley or Chris Cosme get injured. This trade makes almost too much sense.

Oakland trades The Raiders to Jacksonville for The Jaguars

Would either city know the difference?

Washington Redskins trade Robert Griffin III to St. Louis Rams for Greg Robinson, Alec Ogletree, Stedman Bailey, Zac Stacy, Michael Brockers, Janoris Jenkins, Isaiah Pead and Rokevious Watkins

I don’t even know if all those players are still with the Rams, but if they are, how funny would this be if it happened? And wouldn’t the Redskins accept this trade if presented to them tomorrow?

Chicago Bears trade Brandon Marshall and Alshon Jeffery to Kansas City Chiefs for Alex Smith and Husain Abdullah

Chicago Bears trade Jay Cutler to Cleveland Browns for Karlos Dansby

It’s time to blow up the Bears offense in order to improve their defense. First off, they trade Marshall and Jeffery to the Chiefs for Smith and Abdullah. I don’t know who Husain Abdullah is (I think he’s the former WWE star who got fired due to poor timing), but he tackles a lot and has an interception so the Bears could probably use him. In getting Alex Smith, even though he won’t have Marshall and Jeffery to throw to, he’ll still have Matt Forte and a big tight end. Sounds a lot like his current set-up in Kansas City. Plus, if nothing else, Smith doesn’t make a bunch of mistakes. Why would the Chiefs give up Alex Smith? Well Andy Reid is supposed to be some quarterback guru so I’m sure Chase Daniel or Aaron Murray could do a serviceable job considering they’ll have Jamaal Charles, Marshall, Jeffery, and Travis Kelce to utilize.

With the addition of Smith, the Bears need to get rid of Cutler. So they trade him to the Browns for more defensive help. Why do the Browns take Cutler? Because Brian Hoyer sucks, they are the Browns, and I’m currently pitching my reality show “Johnny & Jay” to numerous networks.