That's why this week we're bringing in a special guest picker. Fresh off her appearance on ESPN College Gameday where she out-picked the likes of Lee Corso, Desmond Howard & that Kirk Herbstreidt fella, here's Katy Perry!
Thanks for having me, Steve! It's so great that you & all these other sports dudes respect my sporting knowledge!
No problem, Katy. That's totally why ESPN & I have you on. Sporting knowledge.
Thursday, October 9
Colts (-3) at Texans: ESPN has decided that the best way to build this game is to build a debate over who is more valuable to their team between Andrew Luck & J.J. Watt. As great as Watt is, and he's probably the best defensive player in the National Football League, this is an utterly ridiculous question. If it wasn't for Andrew Luck, the Indianapolis Colts would be doing what they were doing the year between him & Peyton Manning. Meaning they'd be winning two games a year & picking first in the draft. If you look at their personnel outside of Luck & compare it to the 2011 Colts, there really isn't that much of a difference. The defense has upgraded from miserable to mediocre, so maybe they get to six wins, but then the offense is almost the same guys receiving (Reggie Wayne on both teams, Pierre Garcon in 2011 & T.Y. Hilton in 2014...gotta go advantage 2011 there) & guys rushing that are pretty much on the same level as the guys on that 2011 team (Trent Richardson/Ahmad Bradshaw vs. Joseph Addai/Donald Brown...pretty much the same, right?) getting the ball from somebody that sucks.
The Texans went 2-14 last year with J.J. Watt. He was great on defense, but he alone can't make everybody else great. Luck at QB makes the rest of the offense rise up above what they can do with Curtis Painter or Kerry Collins or whatever slug would be QB at Indy if Luck went elsewhere. I guess your best hope is that Peyton sticks around, but he wouldn't have been as good with that talent as he has been in Denver with all those weapons. And if he doesn't stick around, the Colts are winning two games & picking first in the draft every year.
Arian Foster looked good on Sunday. Will he look as good on Thursday? I'm thinking not, so I'm going Colts. Probably an oversimplistic way of looking at things, but it seems to work more often than not. I usually get in trouble when I think too much.
I haven't heard back from Trevor Knight yet, so I'm gonna pick the Texans. Boo Oklahoma, Yay Texas!
Sunday, October 12
Jaguars at Titans (-6): You know people think you're an awful football team when the Titans are favored over you by six points. The Titans are a team that managed to blow a 28-3 lead against the Cleveland Browns last week.
Let me repeat for emphasis.
THEY MANAGED TO BLOW A 28-3 LEAD AGAINST THE CLEVELAND BROWNS LAST WEEK.
AND THEY WERE AT HOME.
The Jaguars, meanwhile, conducted their business as they typically do, losing to the Steelers & seeing their mascot get in trouble for doing something allegedly offensive. Maybe I'm the wrong guy to talk since I was making Adrian Peterson child abuse jokes in last week's column, but I don't get the big deal about Jaxson De Ville claiming that the Terrible Towel carries ebola. Besides, it's not like anybody in Jacksonville catches anything anyway.
I'm taking the Jaguars because I don't think Tennessee is capable of beating teams by six points or more. Well, except the Chiefs.
I'll take the Jaguars too! They match my outfit!
Ravens (-3) at Buccaneers: You know, if you take out that Week 2 disaster in Atlanta the Buccaneers look like a perfectly mediocre team. Close losses to Carolina & St. Louis. Beating the Steelers at Heinz Field. Taking the Saints to overtime in the SuperDome. I don't think the Bucs are a threat to go to the playoffs or anything (even though that NFC South does look wide open), but I'd easily rate them over the likes of the Jaguars, Titans & Raiders. They're definitely a better team with Mike Glennon at QB. Doug Martin still doesn't look right & the defense isn't doing a great job of stopping anybody.
That's why I'm going with the Ravens. Their defense should do a better job against Glennon that other teams have & it won't take much to shut down Martin. Their offense showed some serious flaws in Indy last week, but the Ravens have always been a team that bounce back well from disappointment. At least they seem like they are. Certainly compared to the team I root for that's in their division. But we'll be getting to them a bit later...
Eww, Ravens? They're ugly birds, right? Gimme the Buccaneers, they're like pirates and stuff!
Broncos (-8) at Jets: The Broncos are really good. The Jets are really bad. The only thing that makes me think for even a few seconds about this is the fact that the Broncos don't play well in Metlife Stadium. I remember them playing there several months ago & it was one of the worst performances I've ever seen a Peyton Manning-led football team have. Don't worry, I'm still picking the Broncos, but maybe they pull into the stadium & start having flashbacks. Sometimes people just don't perform well in certain locations. The Bengals usually lose in Pittsburgh. Detroit hasn't won in Green Bay in decades. The Reds haven't won a series in St. Louis since I can remember. Clayton Kershaw sruggles in the postseason. These things happen.
I'm thinking it was more of a Seattle defense thing than a Metlife Stadium thing. Jets have a decent defense against the run, but not against the pass. Denver will concentrate on the pass, especially now that Montee Ball has groin issues & we're back in the Ronnie Hillman Era.
I'm picking the Broncos because one of my best albums was called "Dark Horse" & Broncos are horses, right? So yeah.
Lions (-1.5) at Vikings: You can't take much away from the Vikings' debacle at Lambeau Field other than the fact that Christian Ponder is not an NFL quarterback. But he gets an NFL quarterback's salary & he's married to Samantha Ponder, so even when he's losing he's winning.
Teddy Bridgewater might not have an ESPN hottie on his arm, but he did get some extra time to heal up & should be good to go this Sunday against Detroit. Detroit's defense has been fairly kind to quarterbacks this season so I think Teddy should have a solid game here. I'm not sure what to expect from the Lions. They've shown flashes of getting it, but then they blow leads against the Bills after being up 14-0. On the bright side, they won't have to worry about their kicker missing three kicks this week. Matt Prater, as everybody watching on Sunday expected, is now the Lions kicker. So you gotta feel better about that if you're a Lions fan.
I keep wanting to buy into the Lions but they keep giving me reasons not to. Calvin Johnson might not even play, which makes things even worse. Reggie Bush is questionable. The Vikings should be able to take advantage of what the Lions might be lacking this week.
Yeah, I'm picking the Vikings too. Did you say Teddy was single? He's so dreamy! Call me, Teddy!
Patriots (-3) at Bills: We should have seen Sunday night coming. The media spent the whole week tearing the Patriots down & talking about how the dynasty was over. ESPN was even reporting on Sunday afternoon that Tom Brady was upset & wanted to leave New England! So of course the Pats were going to come out on Sunday night & kick Bengal ass. The sad thing is I knew it was going to happen & I didn't even pick it so I could pad my record a little bit. Believing in your team gets you nowhere in betting, folks. Believe in Tom Brady.
Can we believe in Kyle Orton? Probably not long-term, but I'm pretty sure we can believe in him more than we could believe in E.J. Manuel. The Bills tend to give New England a tough time in Buffalo, which is why the spread isn't as wide as one might think. I think the Patriots cover it, but not by much.
I like both of these teams because they wear blue like Smurfs! The Bills have more blue on their helmets so I'll pick them.
Panthers at Bengals (-7): The Panthers had a fairly impressive performance coming back to defeat the Bears on Sunday. Cam Newton still doesn't look like his old self, there's no running game to speak of & Kelvin Benjamin drops the ball more often than you'd like, but the defense can make plays to keep the team in the game & Cam has the LEADERSHIP to get things done when the game's on the line.
(I have to mention that Cam Newton is a great leader or Jeremy Lambert gets really upset with me. It's one of his main talking points this season.)
The Panthers are a flawed team but I don't see any of the NFC South teams pulling away from them anytime soon. Speaking of flaws, we saw all the flaws in Cincinnati's game on Sunday night with New England. The one that worries me most in this particular game is the Bengals' weakness against tight ends. If Vontaze Burfict still isn't playing this week, Greg Olsen should be able to get all kinds of yards like he did last week against Chicago. On the downside for Carolina, they're likely to give up lots of yards to Gio Bernard and/or Jeremy Hill.
I think the Bengals win, but it'll be closer than 7 points so take the Panthers. I also think the best way for the Bengals to sell their game out this week is not to have their players whining & moaning about how they get no support, but to have Channel 12 announce that they will be airing Jaguars vs. Titans during the game's timeslot. That'll get people to the stadium.
I'm picking the Bengals cause I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar!
Steelers at Browns (-2): These teams are so weird. You think the Steelers are going to be good, then they lose to the Buccaneers and don't exactly blow the Jaguars out of the water. The Browns somehow manage to fall behind 28-3 in Tennessee & come back to win the game. Such strange happenings.
Strange is a pretty good word to describe the first meeting between these teams. The Steelers got out to a big ol' lead but the Browns came back & made it way too close for Steeler fans' comfort. It seems to me that Brian Hoyer & the Browns have been trending upwards since Week 1 while the Steelers have been stuck in a rut. Can't believe I'm saying it, but I'm picking the Browns.
Steve, I gotta go with the Steelers because this article on Mun2's website totally said I am them! We keep cranking out hits!
Packers (-3) at Dolphins: Miami got some time off after their dismantling of the Oakland Raiders. They were looking better then, but it's tough to tell because they were playing the Raiders. I don't know if Ryan Tannehill is still in jeopardy of losing his job or not, but I do know that the Packers generally have a friendly defense so he should be fine.
I also know that the Packers have a prolific offense that's all relaxed. The Dolphin defense is generally all right but they don't have to stop quarterbacks like Aaron Rodgers very often.
How can you pick Packers over Dolphins? Dolphins are like the best animals ever! They're so cute! Packers aren't cute, they're like green & yellow & gross.
Chargers (-7) at Raiders: Some pretty serious disrespect being thrown the Chargers' way here. I mean, seriously, only a seven point favorite here? Have you not seen the Chargers play? Have you not seen the Raiders play? Come on now.
I'm picking the Raiders because I'm from Los Angeles & the Raiders used to be from there! They'll probably be back in a couple of years too, so yay Raiders!
Bears at Falcons (-3): The Falcons are back home, so they're going to be the safe pick here. I keep wanting to buy into the Bears, but Jay Cutler needs to stop throwing interceptions at key moments before I get too excited about them. I know the Falcons haven't been looking good lately, but they also haven't been home. When they go home they do things like win games. I wouldn't be shocked if they go 8-8, and that just might win the NFC South this year.
A bear would totally beat a falcon in a fight, so I'm picking the Bears!
Cowboys at Seahawks (-8): HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS. I'm contractually obligated to write that at least once a week in this column and at least once a week on Twitter. I sign weird contracts. Dallas has been looking good early this season, winning four straight & equalling the win total that many had them projected for. Good for them.
They're not winning this week. The Seahawks are too good in Seattle, and it's one of the few locations where you won't see a lot of Cowboys fans in the stands. The Cowboys won't have an answer for Russell Wilson, and you know that either Richard Sherman will get an INT or they'll ignore his side of the field the entire game. I think the Cowboys are better than we expected, but that doesn't mean anything this week.
I gotta go with the Cowboys! They're so cute with their hats & boots! All manly & stuff....oh it gets me excited!
Washington at Cardinals (-3.5): I'd like to know the status of Arizona's quarterback situation before picking this game, but Dustin James runs a tight ship. Carson Palmer might be able to play. Drew Stanton might be able to play. If they can't play, Logan Thomas will play. You might remember Logan Thomas from his time at Virginia Tech-ok, nobody remembers Logan Thomas from his time at Virginia Tech except Greg DeMarco, and I don't know if he's reading. So I'll assume none of you remember Logan Thomas. They've also signed Dennis Dixon, which I guess is an option. I've lost track of how many people are injured on Arizona's defense, but at least Andre Ellington's healthy! They're gonna need him.
Washington put up a good fight against Seattle, but they were outmanned. Most teams are. Kirk Cousins keeps losing games, which is not a good way to hold on to a starting quarterback job. I would pick against the Cardinals if they were playing a lot of other teams this week, but Washington's done nothing to make me buy what they're selling. Their one win so far was against Jacksonville...not exactly impressive there.
I'm totally down with Native American culture so I'm picking Washington! They really honor Indians!
Giants at Eagles (-3): Philly vs. NYC usually gets a bit of hype, and to be fair I could see either of these teams in the playoffs at the end of the season. Philly keeps putting up the points even if their running back situation is a touch unsettled. Nick Foles passes & the defense & special teams find ways to score. It's been a recipie for success so far this season. That being said, outside of Week 1 against Jacksonville they haven't been blowing peoples' doors off. St. Louis was a team that looked ripe for such treatment, but even the Rams made it within six points. I'm liking what I'm seeing out of the Giants the last couple of weeks. Those first two weeks were rough, but since then they've been taking care of business. Eli's been making fewer mistakes, Odell Beckham gives him another weapon to work with & the running game's been solid. I'm expecting this to be a high-scoring game since neither defense has been great in the way of keeping teams from putting up points.
I'm just getting that feeling about the Giants, man. All they needed was people to not expect them to do anything. Now they just gotta win nine games & make the playoffs.
I'm picking the Eagles! Chip Kelly used to coach at Oregon & they have the coolest uniforms ever!
Monday, October 13
49ers (-3.5) at Rams: My podcasting wife Trent the Penguin keeps telling me that Austin Davis is a legitimate NFL quarterback. He's a homer for anything from St. Louis so I don't usually trust him on these things, but we're about to find out here in the next two weeks what Mr. Davis is made of. This week he's got San Francisco, who in spite of whatever flaws they have can always stop people. Next week it's Seattle. I mean, it's one thing to do some things against the likes of Tampa Bay, Dallas & Philadelphia, but now you're going to be facing some real defenses. We're going to see what Austin Davis is made of real soon here.
On the 49ers side of things...is it just me or is this whole Jim Harbaugh thing completely insane? I know most people out there find the guy to be completely insufferable, and maybe they're right...but this is a results-oriented business & the guy wins football games. If he's losing the locker room it's not showing on the field. San Francisco went 46-82 in the eight years before Harbaugh came in. They can choose to ignore that if they want, but who's going to show up there & do a better job?
49ers are the easy pick here. I don't see that great Rams defense doing a lot to stop them, and Austin Davis is going to learn what it's like to play against a good NFL defense.
I'm also picking the 49ers, because Colin Kaepernick & I both don't mind posing with our shirts off!
Oh my goodness. You may have just witnessed the end of my career. If not, this is Slammin' Steve Cook signing off until next week! Thanks to Katy Perry for joining us! I think.
Last Week: 6-9
Season Record: 34-40-2
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