Slammin' Stevie Cook's Week 16 NFL Picks!

Hi, hello & welcome to Week 16 of the National Football League! I'm Slammin' Stevie Cook, and we're in a tricky situation here. Last week I wanted to take things seriously. So I had my worst record of the year. That obviously means this needs to be the least serious column of the year, which doesn't make sense because teams are getting to the nitty gritty. But, it's not like anything else I've done in my life has made sense, so we might as well roll with it.

Thursday, December 18

Titans at Jaguars (-3): When Jim Nantz & Phil Simms saw this assignment they were all like

The best thing about this game would be if Nantz & Simms decided they didn't give a shit & got drunk before kickoff. It worked for Howard Cosell. I guess I'll take the Jaguars because I have no earthly idea who the Titans will roll out at quarterback, but does anything about this even matter? If you gamble on this game you need to seek help because you have an addiction.

Saturday, December 20

Eagles (-7.5) at Washington: Dustin James keeps trying to push this angle where the current Oregon quarterback ends up going to Philadelphia. I just don't see it, but if the Eagles lose to teams like Washington & end up missing the playoffs, maybe it'll happen. So I know Dustin is rooting for the racist team here, but the problem he has is that Washington just isn't any good. The Eagles should have this. If they don't, expect 20 Marcus Mariota mentions in the next Sunday Wrapup.

Chargers at 49ers (-2.5): I find it hard to pick the 49ers against anybody considering that their head coach is headed out the door & their offense is basically useless. Of course, the Chargers don't have their top wide receiver or top running back. But, they do have the points!

Boy, a Saturday night of games like this makes me wish I had a girlfriend! I do have a job though, which I guess is close enough. You know, except the parts where there's actually some happiness. Or so I'm told. I've really had some bad taste in women over the years, which probably has a lot to do with the selection I've had. But enough sour grapes!

Sunday, December 21

Vikings at Dolphins (-6.5): Miami is hanging on by a very very very slim thread in the playoff hunt. All they need to do is win their games & have most of the conference lose the rest of theirs. They do have the Vikings & the Jets on the schedule, so I can easily see them finishing at 9-7. The thing to watch out for here is that Teddy Bridgewater is coming home to Miami, and I imagine that his family & friends will be in attendance for this game. I think the Dolphins will win, but I wouldn't be shocked if Teddy made this a game. So I say the Vikings just might be the pick here.

Ravens (-5) at Texans: I expected a lot more from the Ravens last week & didn't get it, as they barely managed to beat the Jaguars at home. You don't think the Texans can make it closer? I mean...you don't think JJ Watt can make it closer?

Lions (-7) at Bears: Well at least this Bears game isn't on national TV & I won't have to express my disgust with it before turning it off. They've showed nothing the last three weeks & I doubt this week will be any different since as we've already discussed in this column, they're worse at home. The Lions should take care of business here before their showdown in Green Bay in Week 17.

Browns at Panthers (-4): Jeremy Lambert insists that Johnny Manziel will have a big week this week. He bases this on the Panthers defense being bad & his not seeing Manziel's "effort" against the Bengals last week. Alls I'm saying is that cat is just bad. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.

Seriously though, a midget rookie QB with no arm being ungood usually wouldn't be that big a thing except that everybody in the media decided that JOHNNY FOOTBALL had to be a thing. Billy Simmons was picking the Browns last week & saying that football is better if Manziel is good. Based on what? Based on the media's obsession with Manziel ever since his freshman year at Texas's 2nd best college football program. They really want this kid to be good. He isn't. I don't want to say he never will be because I'm a wrestling guy & the first thing you learn following wrestling is "never say never", but he's a long ways away from being a competent pro football quarterback.

And in this day and age, it's not like you get a long time to prove yourself. Tim Tebow's on college football studio shows now because we couldn't wait a few years for him to develop into a pro QB. RG3 is a failure based on a couple of bad years since his rookie season. Whenever Andy Dalton has a bad game we try to run him out of Cincinnati. Really, unless you're Andrew Luck and considered to be the best prospect since John Elway & you're on a good team & win games, your only chance as a young QB is to stay out of the media spotlight. That's why Teddy Bridgewater getting drafted by Minnesota at the end of the 1st round was the best thing to ever happen to him. He didn't get drafted too early, and he went to Minnesota, where the media won't go unless you pay them quadruple the usual rate. He gets to do his thing & learn from his mistakes, and the media isn't going to jump down his throat because he's in a tough situation anyway & nobody expects him to set the world on fire & take the Vikings to the playoffs with that roster. People's expectations for Teddy are reasonable.

Cleveland should be like that, but it isn't. It's too close to that darn East Coast, and there's the championship drought, and there's LeBron James, and now ESPN is pretty much based in Cleveland. The Browns are not a good team and while that roster does have some talent, it's very raw talent and needs some time to grow. I mean, they'd probably win the NFC South, but by most standards it's a team that needs some time. Manziel & Josh Gordon & Jordan Cameron & the various running backs need some time to get accustomed to each other & get on the same page. But they don't have that time because they gotta win now. And maybe they would have had more time if the organization had more foresight in the preseason, but they didn't. Dem's the breaks. I assume that this off-season will be dedicated to getting things ready for Manziel as QB1...but it's Cleveland, so who the hell knows.

What I'm saying is I'll take the Panthers. Lambert just had a heart attack.

Falcons at Saints (-6): Can the Saints get to 8-8 & save the NFC South from having a team under .500 represent them in the playoffs? It's a good possibility since they have this game & a road game with Tampa left. They'll be favored in both. I think they win this game, but it's close enough for the Falcons to be the smart pick in a shootout. No defense, lots of offense.

Which, since it's the NFC South this year, means we'll have a 10-6 game.

Packers (-10.5) at Buccaneers: Did Aaron Rodgers tell Packers fans to relax this week? He should have after that game in Buffalo. We can not allow ourselves to over react to that game and think that the Bucs have a chance here. The Packers will rebound.

Chiefs at Steelers (-3): God would I love it if the Chiefs won this game. But I know better than to pick against the Steelers in times like these. Dustin James should suspend me for this lame preview, but he won't because he knows the Chiefs will lose.

Patriots (-10) at Jets: I mean...the Jets almost won in Foxboro, right? Did I hallucinate that? I can't rule out that possibility because I've been having all sorts of sleep issues lately due to my crazy schedule. The line between my dreams & my reality has never been more blurred. In any event, the Jets have been kinda fiesty lately in Rex's Last Stand, and I think they'll lose this game on a boneheaded play late.

Giants at Rams (-5):

The only halfway interesting thing I can say about this game is that it's ironic that Jeff Fisher & Tom Coughlin will be facing off on the same week that the Titans & Jaguars do, since those guys coached those teams forever. I mean, I guess that's interesting. The Giants have the points so I guess I'll go with them.

Bills (-6) at Raiders: Both of these teams have easily exceeded expectations. The Bills are playoff contenders & the Raiders have won two games. I think Buffalo & Oakland have to rank pretty high on the list of NFL cities you would not want to live in. Hell, let's throw together a quick list of the worst NFL cities to live in.

1. Buffalo: Lake effect snow? No thanks.
2. Oakland: A little too violent for me. Oh, and earthquakes? I don't think so, Tim.
3. Baltimore: Have you seen The Wire?
4. East Rutherford: Is there anything in East Rutherford besides stadiums for NYC's sports teams?
5. Pittsburgh: Too many Steeler fans.
6. St. Louis: Too many St. Louis baseball fans. Higher on this list if you happen to be African American. I am not, so I don't have to worry about cops.
7. Green Bay: What would you do the other eight months of the year?
8. Cleveland: Would be higher on the list but they have LeBron James now.
9. New Orleans: Loved this city the one time I was there, but terrible location.
10. Cincinnati: Not a bad city overall but the people are miserable a good 90% of the time.

I'll take the Bills because if Aaron Rodgers & Peyton Manning can't do much against their defense Derek Carr ain't got a chance in hell.

Colts at Cowboys (-3): The Cowboys have ten wins but most people I know still expect them to miss the playoffs. That's understandable considering how the team has done the past couple of decades in this month, but they looked good on Sunday night in Philly & the dirty little secret about the Colts  that nobody wants to talk about is that the best team they've beaten this season has Andy Dalton as its quarterback. The other one has Joe Flacco, and the four other good teams they've played this season have beaten them. Tough to see this team getting past Denver or New England in the AFC semifinals. HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS?

Seahawks (-7.5) at Cardinals: The Arizona Cardinals are the ultimate "NOBODY BELIEVES IN US" team. You know why nobody belives in them? Because they don't score any touchdowns against the Los Angeles St. Louis Rams, and then we see articles about Bruce Arians letting Ryan Lindley sling it. Why should we believe that's a good idea? I mean, if you wanted Jen Lindley to sling it I'd be all about it, but this guy's done nothing to make me trust him. The Arizona defense....now that's a unit that's more than carrying the day. But, can they carry the day against Seattle?

Well...

I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!

The Cardinals can not hold off this team. The Seahawks have gotten over their Super Bowl hangover & now they're a team on a mission. Which, to quote Bad News Barrett, is BAD NEWS for everybody else in the NFC.

Monday, December 22

Broncos (-3) at Bengals: Thank Jeebus the Bengals shut down Johnny Midget last week. Because I know how this movie ends. It's a prime time football game with a national audience. Which means...

I haven't exactly been impressed with the Broncos lately, but everything I know about the Bengals tells me that Denver is the smart pick. Peyton Manning is 8-0 against the Bengals in his career, which is kinda silly but makes sense as he's always had the better team. Even if he's not doing much passing wise, he still has CJ Anderson to run the ball a lot & the defense will take advantage of some Prime Time Dalton mistakes. Andy Dalton supporters don't like it when you mention that their guy doesn't get it done when the lights are on bright & the season's on the line, but until he gets it done that's going to be a story.

I hope he finally gets it done, but you can't bet on hope.

Last Week: 5-10-1

Season Record: 106-113-5