Inside the Mind of DeAndre Jordan

Inside the mind of DeAndre Jordan.

July 1st - Morning

It’s a great day to be alive. I’m a free agent and all 30 teams want to sign me, DeAndre. I’m the best defensive player in the league and I make 70% of my shots, making me a force on offense. I’m gonna enjoy this courting period. I’m like the hot chick in high school that all the guys want to take to prom. Ask away, gents. 

July 1st - Night

It’s been a busy day. Everyone loves me, DeAndre, especially Dallas and Los Angeles. Dallas sent over Dirk Nowitzki and my boy Chandler Parsons to tell me how much they love me, DeAndre. Chandler called me the best center in the league. And he’s right. I am the best. Maybe the best ever. And Dirk is a legend. He showed me his fancy ring. I’ve been playing with guys who can’t get out of the second round. But Dirk has a fancy ring. 

Although the Clippers did sign Paul Pierce today. He has a fancy ring as well. He’s expecting me to return to Los Angeles. He told me he only signed in Los Angeles because he wanted to play with me, DeAndre. 

Every other team loves me as well. The Cavaliers got me a fruit basket, the Lakers got me a Kobe DVD, the Bulls got me some wind in a jar, the Knicks got me cookies in the shape of a triangle, and the Blazers got me some crutches. It’s good to be me, DeAndre.

July 2nd - Morning

It’s another beautiful morning. All 30 teams still want to acquire my services. I slept really well last night. I dreamt about playing with LeBron, Carmelo, Kevin, Kobe, Rondo, Dwight, and every other great player in the league. Could you imagine me and Dwight on the same team? No one could stop us. Combined we’d shoot 100% from the free throw line. 

I really like it here in Los Angeles, but everything is bigger in Texas. And I’m already pretty big. The Clippers really want me back. I’d like to play for a great franchise like the Lakers, but they are also trying to sign LaMarcus Aldridge and Greg Monroe. They are good, but they aren’t me, DeAndre.

Time to eat some of my cookies. 

July 2nd - Night

I don’t know much about Roy Hibbert, but I’ve heard teams are going to try and acquire him if they don’t sign me, DeAndre. That just makes me feel bad. I wish I could lend my talents to all 30 teams on every night. But I’m just one man. I’m sure Roy is a good player, but he’s not me, DeAndre. I don’t think teams should trade for Roy if they don’t sign me. I think they should wait and try to trade for me during the season or sign me next season when I’m a free agent again. I’m gonna be a free agent every season because this courting process is so much fun. I hope the Knicks send more cookies. 

July 3rd - Morning

I’ve narrowed down my list of teams to four.

The Clippers: I’m familiar with the team. We’ve won a lot of regular games and lost a lot of playoff games together. I owe a lot of my success to them. But sometimes Chris is mean to me and hurts my feelings. Sometimes he throws the ball up in the air to Blake and not me. I miss 100% of the shots I don’t take but make 70% of the shots I do. You do the math. 

The Lakers: I’m familiar with the building. They play in the same building as the Clippers, so I could keep my locker and my house here in Los Angeles. Kobe is one of the best to ever play the game and he has five fancy rings. I don’t even have five playoff series victories. He said I could borrow his fancy rings. 

The Mavericks: Mr. Cuban is on a popular TV show and promised to put me on TV shows and commercials. Dirk let me play with his fancy ring and his was newer than Kobe’s. They made me feel really special and kept calling me the most dominant big man in the league. That’s me, DeAndre.

The Knicks: They got me cookies. 

July 3rd - Afternoon

I’ve made my decision. I’m signing with the Mavericks. They really wanted me, DeAndre. It sucks to be leaving Los Angeles, but the this is what I feel I have do. Mr. Cuban said I’m gonna be the star in Dallas. Dirk is getting older, Chandler is very good but not the best defensive player in the league and a 70% shooter, and I don’t know who else is on the roster. So the whole team will be centered around me, DeAndre, the best center in the game. That wasn’t possible in Los Angeles because Chris and Blake are the stars and Doc even has his kid on the team. That’s ok. No hard feelings. I love Los Angeles and now I’m gonna love Dallas. 

July 4th - Morning

Happy Birthday, America. And happy birthday to me, DeAndre. I’m about to get PAID. But first I’m gonna go see Magic Mike XXL.

July 4th - Night

Mr. Cuban said on radio what he told me in person. That I’m the most dominant center in the league and they are gonna center the offense around me, DeAndre. That was great to hear. It’s one thing to tell just me, but he told the entire world. He even compared me to Shaq. That’s the highest form of praise. Shaq has a lot of fancy rings.

Magic Mike XXL was great. Mr. Cuban said he’s gonna put me in the next one and call it Magic Mike DeAndre. 

July 5th 

If you're horny lets do it, ride it, my pony

My saddle's waiting, come and jump on it

July 6th

It’s still a good day to me, DeAndre.

July 7th

My former teammate J.J. Redick made me feel very bad today. He gave the Clippers offseason a “F-minus” because they failed to re-sign me, DeAndre. I only went to college for one year, but I know that’s a very bad grade. He said all these great things about me and how much I meant to the team. I don’t won’t to disappoint anyway, especially a nice guy like J.J. He was my best friend on the team. He never left me hanging on high fives. I haven’t officially signed my contract with the Mavericks. I told them I would sign with them, but that was just my word. I know word is bond, my name is DeAndre, not James. 

July 8th - Morning

Tomorrow I can sign my contract. But I’m not sure which team I’m going to sign with. 

July 8th - 11:30 AM

Coach Doc told me that if I come back to the Clippers, they would hire a big man coach to increase my shooting to 100% and that I would get more touches in the post. This is getting tough. I love Coach Doc. Every day I ask him, “What’s up Doc?” like Bugs Bunny. Except I’m DeAndre. I’ll miss that. 

July 8th - 12 PM

I just talked to Blake. He told me he’d put me in some of his commercials. That really means a lot to me. I really like Blake. I know he has one of those faces that you want to punch, but I don’t want to punch him. I want to give him a big hug. 

July 8th - 3 PM

It’s been a crazy few hours. I’ve talked with so many people. Even Kobe called me to tell me that I should stay in Los Angeles because there are more banners at the Staples Center and banners are forever. Chris and I are friends again. A bunch of people are coming over tonight to be with me in my time of need. I knew I was a big impact on the court, but I can’t believe the impact I have off the court. The Mavericks and Clippers are rivals, but here’s me, DeAndre, bringing the two teams together. I really am the best. 

July 8th - 7 PM

All my friends from the Clippers are here. Blake brought over cookies, Doc brought his family, Paul arrived in a rocket ship, J.J. brought me even more cookies, and Chris cut his vacation short to be here. Chris was on vacation with Dwyane, LeBron, and Carmelo. All of those guys have been out of the second round, so I’m not sure how he really fit in with them, but he must really love me if he left them to be here. 

I keep waiting for the Mavericks to arrive, but they aren’t here yet. It’s strange. I haven’t heard from that at all. No calls or texts. I thought Mr. Cuban liked me a lot, but maybe he was lying to me. 

July 8th - 10 PM

I’m having a blast with all my Clippers teammates. We are playing cards and they are redecorating the house. Blake even put a chair in front of the door, which was hilarious. I love these guys and they clearly love me. I feel bad that I am going back on my word to the Mavericks, but it doesn’t seem like they care since I haven’t heard anything from them. 

July 9th - 12AM

Just signed my next contract with the Clippers. They are gonna pay me $110 million over the next five years just to me, DeAndre.