NFL Round-Up: Week Five

I'm not in a good mood this week. Go ahead and ask why. First of all, it's no secret that I'm a fan of the University of Oregon and Kansas City Chiefs football teams. If you've been paying attention at all this season, you would know that both those teams are absolute dumpster fires at the moment. The Ducks are the worst they've been in YEARS. They just lost to Washington State at home and as of today, it looks like they aren't even going to make a bowl game this year. The Chiefs aren't much better. Kansas City was expected to do big things this year, but here they sit at 1-4 with their latest loss coming at the hands of the awful Chicago Bears. Excuse me while I over-react for a second...

Fire Andy Reid.

Fire Mark Helfrich.

Bench Alex Smith.

Fire your defensive coordinator (both teams).

Start scouting Jared Goff. (Chiefs)

Start praying that a QB on your roster can save your team from further torture. (Ducks...errrr, well both teams actually).

AHHHHHHHHH. Now that makes me feel a little better.

Anway, as you can obviously tell. I'm not in a good mood this week. Is that going to affect this column in any way shape or form? Yes. Yes it is.

So.......

Sit back........

Grab a beer............

Put the kids outside...........

Tell the wife to leave you alone.........

IT'S TIME............................................

NFL Round-Up

Week 5

The Scoreboard

(A recap of all the action from the past week in the NFL....)

*Due to time restraints, the Monday Night Football games are not included in The Scoreboard


Indianapolis Colts (3-2): 27    Houston Texans (1-4): 20

The Indianapolis Colts obviously need to trade Andrew Luck to another team and have Matt Hasslebeck run the show from here on out. As a matter of fact, just go ahead and trade Luck to the Kansas City Chiefs for Alex Smith and a bunch of draft picks to make me happy.

In all seriousness, the Colts should have won this game because even with Luck on the sideline and Hasslebeck in the show....they are still a better team than the Texans. The Texans and Bill O'Brien are finding out the hard way that a QB carousel just doesn't work in the NFL. O'Brien might be looking for new work in the off-season. Hey, here's a fun game! Let's check the temperature of every single coach in the NFL at the moment as we go back and look at these scores....

Chuck Pagano "Hot Seat" Temperature: 45 degrees

Bill O'Brien "Hot Seat" Temperature: 85 degrees 

Chicago Bears (2-3): 18     Kansas City Chiefs (1-4): 17

This is so disappointing I don't even want to talk about it, but we must. I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but the Kansas City Chiefs are done. D-O-N-E! After an impressive week one victory over the Houston Texans and an impressive showing against the Denver Broncos in week two, the Chiefs have fallen off a cliff. They got spanked by the Packers and the Bengals and they were FINALLY handed a "easy" victory from the NFL schedule gods...and they blew it. Absolutely blew it. The Chiefs offense hit a wall in the second half and let the Chicago Bears (minus Alshon Jeffery mind you) not only get back into the game, but walk away with a victory. If that wasn't enough, the Chiefs also lost star player Jamaal Charles for the season with a torn ACL because apparently I pissed someone off and I'm not allowed to have nice things. Andy Reid should not only be on the "hot seat" right now, but he should have half of his desk packed away. I'm personally done with this whole "Andy Reid/Alex Smith" experiment now. Enough is enough and it's time for a change.

John Fox "Hot Seat" Temperature: 25 degrees

Andy Reid "Hot Seat" Temperature: 85 degrees

Seattle Seahawks (2-3): 24     Cincinnati Bengals (5-0): 27

The Cincinnati Bengals are going to the Super Bowl. Andy Dalton is the greatest ginger that ever lived. Marvin Lewis is the best head coach in the AFC North. Everyone else is just pretending. WHO DEY?

Pete Carroll "Hot Seat" Temperature: 12 degrees

Marvin Lewis "Hot Seat" Temperature: 5 degrees

Washington Redskins (2-3): 19      Atlanta Falcons (5-0): 25

The Atlanta Falcons are going to the Super Bowl. Matt Ryan is the greatest QB with two first names that ever lived. Dan Quinn is the best head coach in the NFC South. Everyone else is just pretending. DO THE DIRTY BIRD!!!

Jay Gruden "Hot Seat" Temperature: 60 degrees

Dan Quinn "Hot Seat" Temperature: -5 degrees

Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4): 31    Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3): 38

What happens when two bad NFL teams get together? Fun, that's what. I don't care what anyone says about these teams, this was a fun game with a lot of offense. Sometimes, you just want to throw good football mechanics out the window and watch some garbage fly and that's what occurred when the Jaguars stepped onto the football field with the Buccaneers. When Blake Bortles goes for 300+ yards and 4 TD's, you know something's going on and there was a WHOLE lot going on with this game. I'm not even going to make fun of these guys this week. I would actually like to give them a big round of applause for being able to keep me entertained during the little pieces of the game I actually caught.

Lovie Smith "Hot Seat" Temperature: 40 degrees

Gus Bradley "Hot Seat" Temperature: 88 degrees

New Orleans Saints (1-4): 17    Philadelphia Eagles (2-3): 39

Boy, did the Philadelphia Eagles need a win like this or what? After weeks of hearing about how piss poor of a job he was doing, Chip Kelly needed his guys to come out and blast the helmets off of an awful New Orleans Saints team and the Chipper got his wish. Things aren't good right now in New Orleans. Earlier this week, there were rumors that certain NFL teams (Miami Dolphins) were already kicking the tires on Sean Payton, thinking the Saints and Payton might be heading towards a split this off-season. Payton is still one of the best coaches in the NFL in my opinion and if the Saints do let him walk, every single team with an opening should be lined up to give him a job. We all know that sometimes NFL coaches can get a little complacent being in one spot for too long and a change of scenery might be good for Payton and his future in the league. As for Chip Kelly, he was hearing coaching rumors of his own this week in regards to returning to the college football game. With the Eagles sitting at 1-3 and Chip reportedly MAYBE on the hot seat, would Chip consider returning to college if he was fired from Philly and the job opened up at USC? After this win over the Saints and with the Eagles just a game under .500 now...you know what Chip thinks about those rumors?

Chip Kelly "Hot Seat" Temperature: 60 degrees

Sean Payton "Hot Seat" Temperature: 90 degrees

Cleveland Browns (2-3): 33    Baltimore Ravens (1-4): 30

I don't even know what's going on anymore sometimes in the game of football. The Ravens suck and Josh McCown is apparently one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL.....

Mike Pettine "Hot Seat" Temperature: 40 degrees

John Harbaugh "Hot Seat" Temperature: 68 degrees

St. Louis Rams (2-3): 10     Green Bay Packers (5-0): 24

The Green Bay Packers are going to the Super Bowl. Aaron Rodgers is the greatest NFL QB that ever lived. Mike McCarthy is the best head coach in the NFC North. Everyone else is just pretending. LAMBEAU LEAPS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

Jeff Fisher "Hot Seat" Temperature: 58 degrees

Mike McCarthy "Hot Seat" Temperature: Green Bay in December

Buffalo Bills (3-2): 14    Tennessee Titans (1-3): 13

Rex Ryan "Hot Seat" Temperature: 20 degrees

Ken Whisenhunt "Hot Seat" Temperature: 70 degrees

Arizona Cardinals (4-1): 42    Detroit Lions (0-5): 17

I would like to take this time to publicly apologize to the Arizona Cardinals for doubting them in the pre-season. This team is much better than anyone realizes. They are an extremely well-coached team and have a ton of talent on both sides of the ball. If the Cardinals can stay healthy this season (hello Carson Palmer!), there's a real shot these guys can not only make a Super Bowl run....but also win the whole entire thing. Don't look now folks, but the Arizona Cardinals are coming and if you're in their way, you're going to get smashed. Just ask those pathetic Detroit Lions. You know it's going bad in the Motor City when franchise QB Matthew Stafford is benched and Dan Orlovsky is sent in to save the day. How the hell does Jim Caldwell still have a job? Sell all your Lions stock if you have any left and turn it in for some Cardinals stock. You'll thank me once this season is over. Jared Goff to the Lions????

Jim Caldwell "Hot Seat" Temperature: 98 degrees

Bruce Arians "Hot Seat" Temperature: Bitch please

  

New England Patriots (4-0): 30     Dallas Cowboys (2-3): 6

Any team that brings back that asshole Greg Hardy (anyone who lays a hand on a woman should never be allowed to play again in the NFL) deserves to get their ass kicked by the best team in the NFL. It's called "karma" folks. Now how's this taste, Cowboys fans?

Bill Belichick "Hot Seat" Temperature: -100 degrees

Jason Garrett "Hot Seat" Temperature: 40 degrees

Denver Broncos (5-0): 16    Oakland Raiders (2-3): 10

The Denver Broncos are going to the Super Bowl. Peyton Manning is the greatest NFL QB that ever lived. Gary Kubiak is the best head coach in the AFC West. Everyone else is just pretending. PEYTON! PEYTON! PEYTON!

Gary Kubiak "Hot Seat" Temperature: Rocky Mountain High

Jack Del Rio "Hot Seat" Temperature: 20 degrees

San Francisco 49ers (1-4): 27    New York Giants (3-2): 30

This was a much better game than it had any reason to be. The Giants should have rolled the San Francisco "Fighting Tomsula's", but SF isn't about to call it a season just yet apparently. The 49ers actually brought an offense to New York this weekend and made the Sunday Night Football game something to watch this week. For all the crap that Colin Kaepernick has caught over the last few weeks (and it's been rightfully deserved, believe me), he showed up for this game and played well enough (23 of 35 for 262 yards and 2 TD's) to ALMOST lead the 49ers to victory. However, the guy on the opposite side of the field was absolutely on fire. In case you missed it, Peyton's little brother threw for 441 yards and 3 TD's. That's not all either. He also managed to throw the game winning touchdown pass to Larry Donnell with just seconds left on the clock. Ladies and gentlemen look out. The New York Football Giants are winning every single game they play when Eli Manning throws for 400+ yards this season.

Tom Coughlin "Hot Seat" Temperature: 35 degrees

Jim Tomsula "Hot Seat" Temperature: 84 degrees

Monday Night Football Scores:

Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2): 24     San Diego Chargers (2-3): 20

Fantasy Football Top Performers

(Fantasy football is huge these days. Here are the best fantasy football players from this week)

*Stats are from Yahoo and don't include Monday Night Football teams

Quarterbacks:

1. Josh McCown (35.48 points)

2. Eli Manning (29.74 points)

3. Blake Bortles (29.22 points)

4. Andy Dalton (28.04 points)

5. Tom Brady (25.30 points)

Running Backs:

1. Doug Martin (33.80 points)

2. Devonta Freeman (25.70 points)

3. Justin Forsett (23.00 points)

4. Thomas Rawls (22.90 points)

5. DeMarco Murray (18.00 points)

Wide Receivers:

1. Andre Johnson (19.70 points)

2. Allen Robinson (19.20 points)

3. Odell Beckham Jr. (18.40 points)

4. Julian Edelman (18.00 points)

5. Allen Hurns (17.60 points)

6. Jaelen Strong (17.30 points)

7. DeAndre Hopkins (16.90 points)

8. Brandin Cooks (16.70 points)

8. Anquan Boldin (16.70 points)

10. Marquess Wilson (14.50 points)

Tight Ends:

1. Tyler Eifert (21.00 points)

2. Gary Barnidge (19.90 points)

3. Brent Celek (10.40 points)

4. Benjamin Watson (9.60 points)

5. Larry Donnell (9.50 points)

Kickers:

1. Caleb Sturgis (16.00 points)

2. Travis Coons (15.00 points)

2. Stephen Gostkowski (15.00 points)

4. Connor Barth (14.00 points)

5. Josh Brown (13.00 points)

Defense:

1. Green Bay Packers (23.00 points)

2. Denver Broncos (22.00 points)

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (15.00 points)

4. New England Patriots/Arizona Cardinals/Philadelphia Eagles/Seattle Seahawks (14.00 points)

5. Atlanta Falcons (12.00 points)

NFL Power Rankings

(Pretty self explanatory here...)

1. New England Patriots (4-0)
2. Cincinnati Bengals (5-0)

3. Green Bay Packers (5-0)
4. Denver Broncos (5-0)
5. Atlanta Falcons (5-0)

6. Carolina Panthers (4-0)
7. Arizona Cardinals (4-1)

8. New York Jets (3-1)
9. Minnesota Vikings (2-2)
10. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2)
11. New York Giants (3-2)
12. Buffalo Bills (3-2)
13. Indianapolis Colts (3-2)
14. St. Louis Rams (2-3)
15. Seattle Seahawks (2-3)
16. San Diego Chargers (2-3)
17. Dallas Cowboys (2-3)
18. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3)
19. Washington Redskins (2-3)
20. Chicago Bears (2-3)
21. Oakland Raiders (2-3)
22. Cleveland Browns (2-3)
23. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-3)

24. Tennessee Titans (1-3)
25. Kansas City Chiefs (1-4)
26. Baltimore Ravens (1-4)
27. New Orleans Saints (1-4)
28. Houston Texans (1-4)
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-4)
30. Miami Dolphins (1-3)
31. San Francisco 49ers (1-4)
32. Detroit Lions (0-5)