NFL Round-Up: Week Eight

Man, what a busy weekend I had. It was my daughter's second birthday and as every parent knows, those can be exhausting. I'm ready to put my head down on the couch, kick my slippers off, and relax. You know it's been a hectic weekend when you're begging to get back to work.

Wait.

What the hell did I just say?

Bear with me this week guys. I think we're in for something glorious.

So.......

Sit back........

Grab a beer............

Put the kids outside...........

Tell the wife to leave you alone.........

IT'S TIME............................................

NFL Round-Up

Week 8

The Scoreboard

(A recap of all the action from the past week in the NFL....)

*Due to time restraints, the Monday Night Football games are not included in The Scoreboard


The NFL season is officially halfway over. Let's take a look at whether or not your favorite team will make the playoffs.....

Miami Dolphins (3-4): 7    New England Patriots (7-0): 36

Bill Belichick and Tom Brady are on a "fuck you" crusade towards the NFL and anyone else who throws hatred their way. They were already arguably the best head coach and the best quarterback in the NFL and now them and the rest of the Patriots are on an absolute pissed off tear because of an off-season that saw all sorts of allegations thrown at them. You want to know how hot the undefeated Patriots are right now? The Dolphins had been one the hottest teams in the NFL the last couple of weeks and they got absolutely boat-raced by New England. I know people aren't going to want to hear this, but the Patriots are going to win another Super Bowl ring this season. In my pre-season picks I picked New England to lose to Baltimore in the AFC championship game, but apparently I was on a lot of medication back then. The Patriots are going to win it all.

Will Miami make the playoffs?: No

Will New England make the playoffs?: Yes

Detroit Lions (1-7): 10     Kansas City Chiefs (3-5): 45

In case you didn't get up to see this game because it was an early one in London, it went a little something like this:

The Chiefs were on fire this week and destroyed a Detroit Lions team that has absolutely no leadership right now. The head coach is a dead man walking (I would wager that Caldwell is fired this week, keeping up the trend of NFL coaches going to London, losing, and then getting shit-canned) who just fired half of his staff last week. The actual team is talented on paper, but can't seem to get it going on-the-field. It's time to blow it up and start over.

Will the Detroit make the playoffs?: Don't make me punch you

Will Kansas City make the playoffs?: The Chiefs are playing good ball right now (FINALLY), but I'm afraid it's too little too late. The post-season isn't happening.  

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4): 23     Atlanta Falcons (6-2): 20

Atlanta Falcons fans aren't going to want to hear this, but losing to the Buccaneers at home isn't a good look for a team with playoff hopes like the Falcons have. Now, I know it was against a divisional rival and everything, but this Atlanta Falcons team that we saw for the first five weeks of the season has seemingly disappeared whenever they play another team in the NFC South. First the Falcons got beat by the Saints back in week six and now they drop a close one to the Bucs at home in a game they should have won. Atlanta is now in a scary position in the playoff race when you look at their future schedule. There's a good chance they'll only be favored in just three of their remaining games which means I'm selling any and all Falcons stock at an alarming rate. COME AND GET IT! As for the Bucs, this was a good win for a team that I still don't think is very good...but they're getting there. They're just still a little too inconsistent for me, but they are definitely a fun team to watch.


Will Tampa Bay make the playoffs?: Yes. Next year.

Will Atlanta make the playoffs?: No. I think two teams from the NFC North (Green Bay & Minnesota) and two teams from the NFC West (Arizona, Seattle, or St. Louis) make it and Carolina is winning the NFC South. You're just not good enough Atlanta.

Arizona Cardinals (6-2): 34      Cleveland Browns (2-6): 20

The Cardinals got a little bit of a scare early on from the Browns when Cleveland jumped out to a 20-7 lead, but someone forgot to tell the Browns that the game of football actually has a second half as well. 

Will Arizona make the playoffs?: Yes

Will Cleveland make the playoffs?: Don't ask stupid questions

San Francisco 49ers (2-6): 6    St. Louis Rams (4-3): 27

The Rams are a pretty good underrated football team.

The 49es are gross.

What did you expect?

Trade Kaepernick to Philly already please.


Will San Francisco make the playoffs?: Yes. Right about the same time Bigfoot finds the Loch Ness monster and they have little Chupacabra babies.

Will St. Louis make the playoffs?: I really want to say "yes", but I'm hesitant to because of the strength of their division. Let's go with "maybe, with a strong lead towards yes".

New York Giants (4-4): 49    New Orleans Saints (4-4): 52

DEFENSE?

WHO THE HELL PLAYS DEFENSE IN THE NFL ANYWAY?????

New England. Carolina. Denver (all ranked top 10 defensively). And sometimes Cincinnati.....that's who.

You want to know something else about all those teams? They are all still undefeated! There's a reason the Giants and Saints are both 4-4 and are just average NFL teams. They only play fantastic football on one side of the ball and that's only going to get you so far. Still, if you played any member of the Giants and Saints offense on a FanDuel line-up this weekend, way to go. You're probably too busy counting your riches to read this column anyway....

Shut up. They pay me to put this here.

Will New York make the playoffs?: I'm going with no.

Will New Orleans make the playoffs?: I'm going with no. 

San Diego Chargers (2-6): 26    Baltimore Ravens (2-6): 29

Will San Diego make the playoffs?: No, but you still live in San Diego so you're winning at life. Congratulations. 

Will Baltimore make the playoffs?: No, but you still live in Baltimore so you're winni....errrrr, you're doing OK in life, I guess? Congratulations? 

Cincinnati Bengals (7-0): 16    Pittsburgh Steelers (4-4): 10

This one wasn't pretty for Cincinnati (games against Pittsburgh rarely are), but they still got it done and are 7-0 for the first time in franchise history. So, will the Bengals go undefeated in the regular season? Of course they will. Then they will lose to whoever they play in the second-round of the playoffs thus breaking the heart of every Bengals fan alive. You know it's bound to happen. I know it's bound to happen. Let's not beat around the bush here and just speed the process up. 

In all seriousness, this was a big time test for these Bengals and they passed. The Steelers are a division rival and as every NFL fan should know, rivalry games are usually tough and this one was no exception. I'm still not ready to write the Steelers off yet. I think Pittsburgh is still talented enough to potentially make a playoff run, but if they're going to, they need to get it figured out now that "Big" Ben is back. The clock is ticking Pittsburgh. You can't afford anymore losses with Cincinnati having such a big lead in the division now.  

Will Cincinnati make the playoffs?: Yes. And they will lose in the first game they play (tee hee).

Will Pittsburgh make the playoffs?: I think so, but I'm about to jump off that bandwagon. 

Minnesota Vikings (5-2): 23    Chicago Bears (2-5): 20

Go ahead and keep sleeping on the Minnesota Vikings everyone. Seriously though. Why is it when no one talks about teams that could potentially make some noise in the post-season, no one mentions the Vikings? Are people still glossing over that week one loss to the San Francisco 49ers (that one was ALMOST unforgivable...but it was week one)? The Vikings are better than that game. Every now and then, every team slips up in the NFL. It just happens. Last year, the Tennessee Titans were one of the worst teams in the NFL. They whooped the Kansas City Chiefs in week one of the NFL season. Those same Kansas City Chiefs went on to whoop the New England Patriots just three weeks later. Those same New England Patriots ended up winning the Super Bowl and have looked like "world beaters" ever since. Do you get my point? Anything can happen in the NFL. Don't judge a really good Vikings team on what they did in week one, because you're going to go on to regret it. These guys are for real. Good defense. Well-coached team. Good quarterback with solid skill players on offense. Excuse me for a second....

Will Minnesota make the playoffs?: Yes.

Will Chicago make the playoffs?: 

Tennessee Titans (1-6): 6    Houston Texans (3-5): 20

No one cares. Here's something more entertaining.

Will Tennessee make the playoffs?: Shut up. At this point in the season, I think Tennessee would consider it a win to get Marcus Mariota back on-the-field and continue his development. He's been good so far this year, so it'll be fun to see how he closes out the season. 

Will Houston make the playoffs?: They are in the AFC South and have at least three wins, so they at least have a shot. I'm going to go with "NO" though. 

New York Jets (4-3): 20     Oakland Raiders (4-3): 34

Last week I mentioned that the Oakland Raiders were "back" and some of you felt inclined to disagree with me. Well, are you buyers yet? The Raiders just went ahead and put a beat down on the Jets and made me even more of a believer in what they got brewing down in Oakland. Everyone knows I'm a fan of teams that have good QB play, play good defense, and buy into what their head coach is selling. That's this year's Oakland Raiders team. As for the Jets, they might be coming back down to Earth after a few weeks of impersonating a good NFL team. I don't know if these guys were hurting after having to play New England and then having to travel to Oakland, but I'm officially selling all my New York Jets stock. Who wants it? Just leave my Raiders stock alone.


Will New York make the playoffs?: No

Will Oakland make the playoffs?: Screw it, I'm saying "yes". Even if I jinx them, I win.

Seattle Seahawks (4-4): 13    Dallas Cowboys (2-5): 12

This was not a pretty game for either team. Both teams are a mess offensively. Seattle's offense is Russell Wilson and an aging Marshawn Lynch. They have arguably the worst offensive line in football with average skill players and it doesn't make for a fun watch. The Seahawks are lucky the Cowboys didn't have Tony Romo for this game because they would have won by 20 points. Sorry Seahawks fans, but that's the truth.

Now Dallas fans. CAN WE STOP WITH THE TONY ROMO ISN'T GOOD STUFF YET? I seriously just talked to a Cowboys fan this week who insists that Romo isn't good and the Cowboys are better off without him. It took everything in my power for me not to reach across the table and slap the guy with a ham. The proof that Romo is good and the Cowboys are better off WITH him is right in front of our faces. With Romo, the Cowboys are one of the best teams in the NFL and are Super Bowl contenders. Without him, they are a 2-5 team who can't move the ball. You guys are really better off without him? REALLY?

Will Seattle make the playoffs?: I think it'll be a tight race between Seattle and St. Louis for a wildcard spot with Arizona winning the division. Right now, I'm leaning "no". 

Will Dallas make the playoffs?: These guys need Romo back in the worst way because right now, their playoff hopes look dim. The good news is, they are in the NFC East and there's no real powerhouse in that division, so if Romo comes back and Dallas starts winning some games....then we'll talk. 

Green Bay Packers (6-1): 10    Denver Broncos (7-0): 29

The Seattle Seahawks can no longer boast that they have the best secondary in the NFL. That distinction belongs to the Denver Broncos. In case you haven't been paying attention, the Broncos secondary and the rest of their defense is ri-god damn-diculous. I think the biggest off-season acquisition this year was Wade Phillips to the Broncos as defensive coordinator. While Phillips was an epic failure as a head coach, we all know the guy can coach some defense and once again he's proving that to be true as the Broncos are playing incredible on that side of the ball. Holding the best quarterback in the NFL to just 77 yards passing shouldn't just scare the rest of the NFL, it should damn near frighten the pants right off of you. Denver is definitely going "all-in" on a Super Bowl this year because they know it's Peyton's last ride. They went ahead on Monday and made a trade with the San Francisco 49ers for former stud tight end Vernon Davis. If Davis can return to the player he was 3+ years ago, Denver didn't just become a Super Bowl threat....they became the team to beat. Sorry New England. Still love you though.

Will Green Bay make the playoffs?: DUUUUUUUHHHH!

Will Denver make the playoffs?: UGGGGGGGGGHHHH.....yes.

Monday Night Football Scores:

Indianapolis Colts (3-5): 26    Carolina Panthers (7-0): 29

Fantasy Football Top Performers

(Fantasy football is huge these days. Here are the best fantasy football players from this week)

*Stats are from Yahoo and don't include Monday Night Football teams

Quarterbacks:

1. Drew Brees (47.54 points)

2. Eli Manning (38.00 points)

3. Carson Palmer (30.56 points)

4. Tom Brady (30.34 points)

5. Derek Carr (29.12 points)

Running Backs:

1. Todd Gurley (20.60 points)

2. Charcandrick West (18.20 points)

3. Ronnie Hillman (17.50 points)

4. Dion Lewis (17.20 points)

5. C.J. Anderson (16.60 points)

Wide Receivers:

1. Odell Beckham Jr. (31.00 points)

2. Tavon Austin (21.90 points)

3. Malcolm Floyd (21.20 points)

4. Brandin Cooks (20.50 points)

5. Julio Jones (20.20 points)

6. Julian Edelman (20.10 points)

7. A.J. Green (17.80 points)

8. Willie Snead (17.60 points)

8. Alshon Jeffery (17.60 points)

10. Andre Holmes (17.40 points)
10. Marques Colston (17.40 points)

Tight Ends:

1. Benjamin Watson (20.70 points)

2. Rob Gronkowski (17.30 points)

3. Jacob Tamme (16.30 points)

4. Troy Niklas (13.20 points)

5. Gary Barnidge (11.30 points)

Kickers:

1. Justin Tucker (20.00 points)

2. Dan Bailey (14.00 points)

3. Mike Nugent (13.00 points)

3. Blair Walsh (13.00 points)

3. Sebastian Janikowski (13.00 points)

Defense:

1. Houston Texans (20.00 points)

2. New England Patriots (15.00 points)

3. Kansas City Chiefs (14.00 points)

4. Cincinnati Bengals (13.00 points)

5. St. Louis Rams (12.00 points)

NFL Power Rankings

(Pretty self explanatory here...)

1. New England Patriots (7-0)
2. Denver Broncos (7-0)
3. Cincinnati Bengals (7-0)

4. Carolina Panthers (7-0)
5. Green Bay Packers (6-1)
6. Arizona Cardinals (6-2)
7. Atlanta Falcons (6-2)
8. Minnesota Vikings (5-2)
9. Oakland Raiders (4-3)
10. St. Louis Rams (4-3)
11. New York Jets (4-3)
12. Seattle Seahawks (4-4)

13. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-4)
14. New Orleans Saints (4-4)
15. New York Giants (4-4)
16. Philadelphia Eagles (3-4)
17. Miami Dolphins (3-4)
18. Buffalo Bills (3-4)
19. Washington Redskins (3-4)
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-4)
21. Kansas City Chiefs (3-5)
22. Indianapolis Colts (3-5)
23. Houston Texans (3-5)
24. Dallas Cowboys (2-5)
25. Chicago Bears (2-5)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-5)
27. Baltimore Ravens (2-6)
28. San Diego Chargers (2-6)
29. Cleveland Browns (2-6)
30. San Francisco 49ers (2-6)

31. Tennessee Titans (1-6)
32. Detroit Lions (1-7)