NFL Round-Up: Week 15

Before we move on to some NFL action this week, I would like to take this time to apologize to all the Star Wars nerds. For years I've hammered on Star Wars if for no other reason than to be a troll. Was I a Star Wars fan? Not really. I had watched all the movies as a teenager and when all the prequels came out, I watched them....but I never really loved them. Until now.

I have to admit that I got a little bit caught up in the Star Wars hype for the new movie. So in an effort to prove that I don't like Star Wars, I decided to re-visit the old movies and I'll be damned....I actually enjoyed them. No joke. I thought I was going to hate the ever-loving crap out of them like I do most science fiction (especially space-related things), but apparently my tastes have changed over the years and I found the original trilogy to be highly entertaining. I'm officially excited to see the new movie and that's not something I could have said a week ago.

So once again. I apologize Star Wars nerds. It appears you were right all along.....

Anyway, it's time to talk about some football.......

So................

Sit back........

Grab a beer............

Put the kids outside...........

Tell the wife to leave you alone.........

IT'S TIME............................................

NFL Round-Up

Week 15

The Scoreboard

(A recap of all the action from the past week in the NFL....)

*Due to time restraints, the Monday Night Football games are not included in The Scoreboard

It's Christmas week here in the "NFL Round-Up". Instead of talking about the action that happened in each game, let's hand out Christmas presents to each team instead. Sound peachy to you? Good, because I was going to do it anyway.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-8): 23    St. Louis Rams (6-8): 31

Merry Christmas Tampa Bay: Let's go ahead and give you guys a new defense. This team is one of those teams that looks like they are ready to turn that corner. They have their franchise QB in place. Their running back has seemingly remembered how to play football and they have some legit wide receivers as well as a potential big-time playmaker at tight end. However, there are still all sorts of question marks surrounding the Buccaneers defense. Not if we give them a whole new one for Christmas. You're welcome Buccaneers fans. Enjoy the playoffs now.


Merry Christmas St. Louis: Here's a brand new stadium as well as a new city to play in called "Los Angeles". While I'm at it, let's give you guys a franchise QB and a brand new head coach as well. Why stop there, right?

New York Jets (9-5): 19    Dallas Cowboys (4-10): 16

Merry Christmas New York: Here's a new franchise QB. God knows you guys need one.


Merry Christmas Dallas: Here's some bubble wrap to help protect your franchise QB. It's obvious that without Tony Romo, you guys are one of the worst teams in the league. Amazing how that happens isn't it?

Kansas City Chiefs (9-5): 34     Baltimore Ravens (4-10): 14

Merry Christmas Kansas City: We are going to go ahead and give the Kansas City Chiefs a playoff win this year. It's been over 20 years since the Chiefs tasted victory in the post-season. KC is rolling right now with 8 straight wins and everyone knows there's almost always a wildcard team that goes off in the playoffs. Will that team be the Chiefs? Let's go ahead and make it happen. The Royals just won the World Series, so why can't the Chiefs taste victory in the post-season finally?


Merry Christmas Baltimore: Here's a time machine. Let's go back to the beginning of the season and correct everything that has gone wrong this season...which is EVERYTHING.

Chicago Bears (5-9): 17    Minnesota Vikings (9-5): 38

Merry Christmas Chicago: Let's give the Bears a nice young new QB. Even though Jay Cutler hasn't played that bad this year, this team still lacks a young potential franchise QB. There doesn't look to be one in the NFL Draft this year, so the Bears may be waiting for awhile to get their hands on one. Not if we gift wrap them one. Why not Andrew Luck? He's not doing anything right now in Indianapolis.

Merry Christmas Minnesota: I'm going to go ahead and get rid of the Green Bay Packers as a present for my boys over in Minnesota. For too long the Packers have been a thorn in the backside of Minnesota. Not anymore. You're welcome Vikings fans.



Atlanta Falcons (7-7): 23    Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9): 17

Merry Christmas Atlanta: I'm going to give you guys a more consistent football team. Week in and week out we don't know which Atlanta Falcons team we are going to see. Will it be the team that started out the season 5-0 or will it be the team that went on a six-game losing streak in the middle of the season? No one knows. After this Christmas present though, everyone will start playing more consistently. Yes, even the defense.


Merry Christmas Jacksonville: Are you kidding me? What does Jacksonville NOT need? You could give this team a new city to play in. Almost an entirely new defense. A new offensive line. And new uniforms because if the Jaguars wear these awful things again....

....I swear I'm going to punch someone. Perhaps the only thing Jacksonville doesn't need right now is a QB (Bortles is actually OK) and wide receivers (Jacksonville's WR's are studs). Other than that though?



Houston Texans (7-7): 16    Indianapolis Colts (6-8): 10

Merry Christmas Houston: Much like a lot of other teams on this list, let's go ahead and give Houston a new franchise QB. Yes, the Texans are currently leading the AFC South, but does anyone really think these guys are going to be a threat to anyone in the playoffs? The answer you're looking for is "no".


Merry Christmas Indianapolis: Let's go ahead and give the Colts a healthy Andrew Luck. Everyone knows I'm a HUGE Andrew Luck guy and I still solidly believe that if Luck were healthy, the Colts season would be much different than it is right now. Don't worry Andrew. Even though a lot of people have jumped off your bandwagon, I'm still here for you buddy.

Carolina Panthers (14-0): 38    New York Giants (6-8): 35

Merry Christmas Carolina: There is nothing these guys need right now. They are undefeated and look like the best team in the NFL. Cam Newton is legitimately playing like SUPERMAN and people still don't want to give him the credit he deserves.

Merry Christmas New York: Here's a nice young head coach to replace that corpse you have currently walking on the sidelines. I love Tom Coughlin as much as anyone else, but we know how stressful it is to be a head football coach and part of me constantly worries about the guy's health as long as he's coaching. I'm not going to be the one to tell him to retire, but I'm sure Giants fans wouldn't mind seeing him go if they had a young prospect waiting in the wings.



Tennessee Titans (3-11): 16    New England Patriots (12-2): 33

Merry Christmas Tennessee: Here's a better football team and a new head coach. You already have your new QB in place, you just need the rest of it.


Merry Christmas New England: Everyone knows what these guys need.....

MORE RINGS!



Buffalo Bills (6-8): 25    Washington Redskins (7-7): 35

Merry Christmas Buffalo: Here's a new head coach. I know. You guys sure loved Rex Ryan when he first arrived and you loved him even more when the season started. He's "just one of the guys" and who doesn't love that? You know who doesn't love that? WINNING FOOTBALL TEAMS THAT'S WHO! The Bills have a pretty solid roster and they will never amount to anything as long as Sexy Rexy is calling the shots. Ryan is a fantastic defensive coordinator and I would definiitely want him on my team if that was his job. As a head coach though?

Merry Christmas Washington: Everyone knows what Washington really needs (a new owner). The Redskins are playing good football right now and just may be the best team in the NFC East. Somehow, someway, Daniel Snyder will butt in and screw something up this off-season though and the Redskins will regress to a 4-12 team next year. Don't get mad when it happens. I'm just telling the truth.



Cleveland Browns (3-11): 13    Seattle Seahawks (9-5): 30

Merry Christmas Cleveland: 

Seriously. What DON'T they need?


Merry Christmas Seattle: Just because I'm a nice guy, I'm going to give you guys the chance to go back in time and replay that last offensive play of the Super Bowl again. You guys know the one I'm talking about. The one where Seattle had the ball on the goal line and they decided to pass the ball rather than run it with arguably the best goal line running back in the NFL. Ya, that stupid gaffe ended up costing the Seahawks a chance at back-to-back Super Bowls and something tells me Seattle fans will love this Christmas gift. Don't get used to it though Seahawks fans. I'm not always this nice to you.



Green Bay Packers (10-4): 30    Oakland Raiders (6-8): 20

Merry Christmas Green Bay: Here's a healthy Jordy Nelson for you guys. I had no idea how much you guys would miss Nelson this season, but apparently it's a lot. It's not that Green Bay is a bad team without Nelson, they just aren't as good as I and everyone else thought they could be this year. They look like maybe the 3rd or 4th best team in the NFC, when they actually have the talent to be the best.


Merry Christmas Oakland: Here's a defense for you guys. The Raiders already have their franchise QB of the future in place with Derek Carr and he has some nice pieces around him to work with. Oakland has been a pretty solid team on offense this year, they just lack some talent on the defensive side of the ball. Outside of a few players like Khalil Mack, pretty much everyone else is replaceable. The Raiders look like one of those teams that are ready to turn the corner in the NFL, they just need to become a more balanced football team and that starts with adding some more playmakers on defense.



Denver Broncos (10-4): 27    Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5): 34

Merry Christmas Denver: 

There you go Denver. A teenage Peyton Manning. You're welcome.


Merry Christmas Pittsburgh: You know what the Steelers need right now? A guaranteed playoff spot, that's what. There is a real possibility the Steelers could slip up and miss the playoffs and that would be a damn shame. Pittsburgh has been playing good football over the last few weeks and if we don't get a dose of Antonio Brown in the playoffs, I'm going to be pissed. Just please don't play the Chiefs. Thank you.



Miami Dolphins (5-9): 14    San Diego Chargers (4-10): 30

OK NFL.....

And here I was thinking we were friends again.



Cincinnati Bengals (11-3): 24    San Francisco 49ers (4-10): 14

Merry Christmas Cincinnati: We all know what the Bengals need. A healthy Andy Dalton.

Oh.

And a playoff win.

Because they haven't won a playoff game since 1990.

Merry Christmas San Francisco: Much like some other teams on this list, let's go ahead and give you guys a time machine. That way you can go back in time and fix all your screw-ups from the past 12+ months. It wasn't that long ago that the 49ers had arguably the best roster in the NFL. Then something happened. Retirements. Firings. Players leaving. Players regressing. All of it. If it's bad and it's in the NFL, it's happened to the 49ers recently. Can we just go back in time to a place where things were a little more melancholy? Remember the days of Jim Harbaugh running around in his khaki pants and acting like this....

BRING BACK THOSE NINERS PLEASE! This new edition sucks ass.



Arizona Cardinals (12-2): 40    Philadelphia Eagles (6-8): 17

Merry Christmas Arizona: You guys get a Super Bowl title. You definitely pass the "eyeball test" as one of the best teams in the league and even though the injury to Tyrann Matheiu (he was playing OUT OF HIS MIND this season) has me worried a little bit, the Cardinals kind of feel like a potential Super Bowl team, don't they? Let's just make that shit happen.


Merry Christmas Philadelphia: Ahhh screw it. We all know what they want anyway....

Monday Night Football Scores:

Detroit Lions (5-9): 35   New Orleans Saints (5-9): 27

Fantasy Football Top Performers

(Fantasy football is huge these days. Here are the best fantasy football players from this week)

*Stats are from Yahoo and don't include Monday Night Football teams

Quarterbacks:

1. Cam Newton

2. Kirk Cousins

3. Teddy Bridgewater

4. Brock Osweiler

5. Tyrod Taylor

Running Backs:

1. David Johnson

2. Danny Woodhead

3. Matt Forte

4. Devonta Freeman

5. Rashad Jennings

Wide Receivers:

1. Antonio Brown

2. Emmanuel Sanders

3. Amari Cooper

4. Sammy Watkins

5. Jordan Matthews

6. DeSean Jackson

7. Ted Ginn Jr.

8. Tavon Austin

9. Kamar Aiken

10. Demaryius Thomas

Tight Ends:

1. Jordan Reed

2. Delanie Walker

3. Greg Olsen

4. Zach Ertz

5. Rob Gronkowski

Kickers:

1. Stephen Gostkowski

2. Steven Hauschka

2. Connor Barth

4. Mason Crosby
4. Cairo Santos

Defense:

1. Kansas City Chiefs

2. New England Patriots

3. Arizona Cardinals

4. Cincinnati Bengals

5. Green Bay Packers

NFL Power Rankings

(Pretty self explanatory here...)

1. Carolina Panthers (14-0)
2. Arizona Cardinals (12-2)
3. New England Patriots (12-2)
4. Cincinnati Bengals (11-3)
5. Green Bay Packers (10-4)
6. Denver Broncos (10-4)
7. Kansas City Chiefs (9-5)
8. Seattle Seahawks (9-5)
9. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-5)
10. New York Jets (9-5)
11. Minnesota Vikings (9-5)
12. Washington Redskins (7-7)
13. Houston Texans (7-7)
14. Atlanta Falcons (7-7)
15. St. Louis Rams (6-8)
16. Oakland Raiders (6-8)
17. New York Giants (6-8)
18. Philadelphia Eagles (6-8)
19. Buffalo Bills (6-8)
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-8)
21. Indianapolis Colts (6-8)
22. Detroit Lions (5-9)
23. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-9)
24. New Orleans Saints (5-9)
25. Miami Dolphins (5-9)
26. Chicago Bears (5-9)
27. San Diego Chargers (4-10)
28. San Francisco 49ers (4-10)
29. Dallas Cowboys (4-10)
30. Baltimore Ravens (4-10)
31. Cleveland Browns (3-11)
32. Tennessee Titans (3-11)