[SPECIAL FEATURE] WWE WrestleMania 32 Card and Predictions

It's that time again where once a year, everyone puts on his or her lucha masks and old Repo Man t-shirts because it’s WrestleMania time!

No matter when you picked up the fever for professional wrestling, you always find a way to catch WrestleMania. If you are playing the drink at home version of this column, then you have already taken two shots for the amount of times that I have typed WrestleMania. You will likely see a prediction column on every MMA/Wrestling column but nothing like the one that you will read here.

You are certainly asking yourself, why would this one be any different and this one is different because yours truly spent nearly 20 years in the high school gyms of Tijuana, Mexico learning my craft.

You may have heard of me during that one AAA show in which La Parka punched out a donkey, I’m Wrestler X.

In fact, I’m so lucha that I’m typing this column in a full on mask and singlet. Throughout this column, I will use my backstage sources and supreme pro wrestling knowledge to give you the correct results for the card.  I will also give you a confidence value of the picks in Tequila shots (1to 5 with five being supreme confidence).

Now, sit back and enjoy the read as I will make you MILLIONS OF DOLLARS (Sorry Titus but don’t touch Uncle Vince again or you will become Virgil or Ahmed Johnson).

PRE-SHOW

The Usos (Jimmy Uso and Jey Uso) vs. The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) in a Tag Team match

While I was looking up chicks on Tinder, I was redirected to a pro wrestling message board in which some dorks behind the keyboard were discussing their outrage on why this is on the pre-show. The answer is simple in that Eva Marie and her red snapper needs the TV time more than this showdown. This past Monday the ground-work for a long feud between these two was laid when the Dudleys helped Triple H attack Roman Reigns. I think that some shenanigans will take place and the Dudleys will steal the victory. The Usos despite being popular are constantly booked to look like crap. It’s likely because Trinity took her ball and went home on Total Divas so Stephanie is holding a grudge. Anyway, look for The Dudley Boyz to join The Authority and this will lead to countless six-man matches with Roman and Rikishi’s kids down the road. We are talking John Cena vs. Legacy handicap matches.

Winner: Dudley Boyz - Two shot of Tequila confidence level

Kalisto (c) vs. Ryback in a Singles match for the WWE United States Championship

The Big “Steroid” Guy is going to win this match and it will not be close. I’m thinking squash the style of Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus. Kalisto is a real talent and someone who deserves a great push but he is not the style that the WWE likes to push. Far be it for the WWE to push a Mexican who doesn’t portray a stereotype. Maybe they can put Kalisto on a lawnmower while yelling common Mexican terms that preppy white people say. You have to love when people say “hola” to each other while drinking Starbucks and discussing the past week’s Walking Dead episode. Daryl is not going to make it people, just deal with it.

Winner: Ryback - Five shots of Tequila confidence

MAIN CARD

Kevin Owens (c) vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder vs. Sin Cara vs. The Miz vs. Stardust in a 7-man Ladder match for the WWE Intercontinental Championship

Other than boning Emma on a given night, Zack Ryder has nothing going for him. I should say that I’m only mentioning Emma because she’s insanely good looking and sells Ipad cases for cheap out of the trunk of her car. If you are in Dallas, then make sure you stop by her car in the parking lot and get you a sweet deal on a smorgasbord of IPad cases. Enough time has been wasted on Zack Ryder and Ipad stuff here. While the addition of my former masked brother Sami Zayn, I do not see a title change here. Kevin Owens is a fine champion even though his armpits are funny and he looks like he smells worse than a burrito filled with donkey shit. If you want a true game to play during this match then take a drink every time that one of the wrestlers forgets how to climb a ladder or gets exhausted one rung up the ladder. You will be hammered 5 mins into the big show. Go with Owens retaining as he is the only one that makes sense winning this match.

Winner: Kevin Owens - Five shots of Tequila confidence

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal: 20-man Battle Royal for the Andre the Giant Memorial Trophy

What started as a novel tribute to a great legend Andre the Giant has become something far worse than single ply toilet paper. The concept of getting everyone on the show gives us this crap-fest. Judging by the way that WWE programming is going, you are to believe that Big Show, Kane and the Social Outcast are the favorites. If you really wanted the title of Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal to mean something then you would give it to Bray Wyatt but that would make too much sense. Especially for someone like Stephanie McMahon, who is too busy cutting the nuts off the male roster on television each week. I called in some favors and I’m going to tell you to lay down money on Braun Strowman. While he looks like your third cousin who is missing a chromosome, the WWE loves to push these freaky looking gringos.

Winner: Braun Strowman - Three shots of Tequila confidence level

The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods) vs. The League of Nations (Sheamus, Alberto Del Rio, Rusev and King Barrett) in 4-on-3 Handicap match

While the New Day has been great fun to watch in the ring, they get put into a match against the Bland Squad. Even the LwO was more entertaining than Sheamus and King Barrett. I will not question the ability of Del Rio because he is talented and I once saw him defeat three lucha midgets in one evening. However, his push has gone nowhere fast since his return. The initial pairing of him with the Uncle Tom character of Zeb was interesting but that was immediately cut down because Zeb quit the wrestling business to help build Donald Trump’s wall to keep all of us Luchadors out of America. This brings us to Rusev and more importantly, how is this ugly looking goof able to land Lana? The only reason would be that he is hung like a Mexican Burro and let me tell you that is pretty big (donkey shows, folks). Word backstage from my sources is that New Day will win with the help of a returning legend in one of those WrestleMania moments that you and your best Internet fans will hate tomorrow.

Winner: It’s a New Day, yes it is - Five shots of Tequila confidence

Charlotte (c) (with Ric Flair) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks in a Triple Threat match for the WWE Divas Championship

The Divas Revolution has been something hasn’t it? While America is just getting to understand that women can do more than birth children and make dinner, Mexico has a long-standing history of great female wrestling. Sasha Banks is not only one of the best female wrestlers in the world but gives me a full on chubby every time that she is on my TV screen. Unless Stephanie feels intimidated by all the women, this match should go 15-20 mins and be great. Charlotte has proven to be a solid champion and will likely fill the Chyna void (minus the porn stuff) within the WWE, I expect Sasha Banks to take the title. Where does that leave Becky Lynch? I fully expect Becky Lynch to be the Diva who chases the title for a couple of years before getting a run with it. While on the subject of Becky Lynch, have you seen her foot videos out there? It’s something to see if you are into that stuff and you know that I am.

Winner: Sasha Banks - Four shots of Tequila confidence

Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar (with Paul Heyman) in a No Holds Barred Street Fight

Dean has been the savior for the WWE during these times of HHH pulling the power card and Roman being boo’ed out of every arena.  This match reminds me of one of my earlier training sessions in which Hector Garza whipped my ass all over Tijuana before sharing beers with me later in the evening. This one is easy to predict in that Dean will give Brock everything that he can handle before ultimately going down to the man who bones Sable each night. Maybe we even get one of those, Dean Ambrose earns Brock’s respect before the match is over type deals that the WWE loves to go with.

Winner: Brock Lesnar - Four shots of Tequila confidence

AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

Chris Jericho does not have a solid WrestleMania track record. Remember when Christian and Trish tricked him at WrestleMania 20 or when that Disco Inferno rip-off beat him at WrestleMania 29? This match will be fast paced and will showcase AJ Styles in the best possible way. Let’s just hope that Styles gets in more offense than his 37 different variations of a springboard forearm.

Winner: AJ Styles - Five shots of Tequila confidence

Team BAD & Blonde vs. Total Divas

This is the late addition to the card and gets all of the divas onto the card. I must say that the WWE’s effort to constantly push Eva Marie down our throats is hilarious. She has nothing going for her other than nerds creaming their los pantaloons when she comes out. If all is right in the world then the Total Divas will walk out on her and allow Team BAD & Blonde to hit all of their finishers on her to win the match. You could equate that to what happened to Lita earlier in her career down here in Mexico except El Dandy would not be present.

Winner: TEAM BAD & BLONDE - Two shots of Tequila confidence

Triple H (c) vs. Roman Reigns in a Singles match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

This has to be one of the least anticipated world title matches in WrestleMania history. From everything that I’ve heard from my amigos in the back, expect The Rock and Rhonda Rousey to show up and help Roman win the title. This should lead to next years WrestleMania and you know that the WWE is going to try it’s best to keep the heat off of Reigns with The Rock & Rousey helping. There’s even a chance that I have heard that Seth Rollins could show up as well. Not sure how he will factor into this.

Winner: Roman Reigns - Five shots of Tequila confidence

Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match; if Shane wins, he will get control of Raw and Undertaker will be barred from competing at WrestleMania again

I’m going to allow myself to enjoy this match even though, it’s going to be a sloppy overbooked mess. If you watched Shane on Raw, he was easily confused and when he couldn’t find the monitor, he legit punched Undertaker in the eye. I have a sense that Taker will get a little rough if that happens again. Look for Vince, Stephanie and likely Linda to get involved in this match. Hell, I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Mean Street Posse show up in this match as well. Taker wins but Shane somehow gains control of Raw for a couple of months. Can we bring back the guest host again? I need my fill of SummerFest comments and Mary Hart as well.  In Mexico, Access Hollywood is how we find out all of the late breaking important Hollywood news. She is like 60 and looking better than any Bella twin.

Winner: Undertaker - One shot of Tequila confidence