Every NBA Team Makes Their Pitch To Kevin Durant

 Kevin Durant is set to hit the free agent market and all 30 teams are interested. Only a handful of teams were able to land a meeting with the superstar and, realistically, only four teams have a real shot at signing him. But what if Durant listened to all 30 teams and heard their case as to why he should sign with them? I'm glad you asked.

Boston Celtics

You could become the second greatest small forward in franchise history. Isaiah Thomas is a top five point guard according to some people who only watched the playoffs. Brad Stevens is an exceptional coach with a college background. Home of Bill Simmons. Once Tom Brady and David Ortiz retire, this will be your town. 

Brooklyn Nets

Jay-Z is still involved with the team. We think. We’re honestly not sure at this point. Actually, aren’t you represented by Jay-Z’ management team? This seems like a conflict of interest. Forget this conversation ever happened.

New York Knicks

You want someone to take the “great scorer without a title” pressure off of you? WHY NOT PLAY WITH CARMELO?!?!?! You know the offense we run, right? The triangle. How many great players do we have? Three. Carmelo, Rose, and Porzingis. That’s a triangle. But that’s also why we need you. We’re going to invent a whole new offense. THE SQUARE! Complete the square, Kevin.

Philadelphia 76ers

Who else is going to score on this team? You can take all the shots you want. And we mean ALL THE SHOTS.

Toronto Raptors

Drake gave you a shout out in a song. So, you pretty much owe us.

Chicago Bulls

This is a winning town. The Blackhawks always win, the Cubs are currently winning, we have a football team, and we’ve been one of the winningest franchises in the last 30 years. All we do is win, win, win.

Cleveland Cavaliers

You can sit out the entire season and the first three rounds of the playoffs and you’re still guaranteed to be in the Finals. Think about that. We’ll pay you $40 million to play a maximum of seven games per season.

Detroit Pistons

We’ll trade Reggie.

Indiana Pacers

You think playing with Dion Waiters was frustrating? WE HAVE MONTA ELLIS!

Milwaukee Bucks

You’re long and athletic. That’s what we’ve built here in Milwaukee. We don’t really have an offense, just a bunch of lengthy athletes who defend. We liked what we saw from you in the playoffs. Terrible offense, but your defense was outstanding. We can win games 80-75 every night. No problem.

Atlanta Hawks

The TNT crew tells us we need a superstar who can takeover games late. I guess you’ll do.

Charlotte Hornets

You’ll be re-united with Jeremy Lamb and you can meet the guy who started the Crying Jordan meme.

Miami Heat

With you, we can win not one, not two, not three, not four, not five…

Orlando Magic

Disney World?

Washington Wizards

KD, come home.

Dallas Mavericks

You’re a superstar. I’m an idiot.

Houston Rockets

Listen. We fucked up. We tried this James Harden and Dwight Howard thing and it sort of worked for one season and then blew up in our face. Now, everyone hates Harden, Dwight is leaving, and we’re just a team full of guys who just stand around and hope that James passes them the ball. We’re desperate. We need any kind of help we can get. You and James can take turns jacking up threes. I don’t care. We just need someone, anyone, who likes James and is willing to play with him. Please?

Memphis Grizzlies

We could really use a small forward. Do you know how many small forwards we’ve tried in the last couple of years? Jeff Green, Lance Stephenson, Tayshaun Prince. They all suck. Memphis would be pretty familiar for you. A point guard who doesn’t get enough credit, two dominating bigs, and a shooting guard who can’t shoot.

New Orleans Pelicans

Remember Anthony Davis? We still have him.

San Antonio Spurs

Eh, we don’t really need you.

Denver Nuggets

This could be your town. The Rockies suck. The Avalanche suck. Peyton Manning just retired. You could own this city. How do you fit in with our team? Haha. We don’t really have a team. You can do what you want. ISO every play for all we care. We literally have nothing going on with this team. I can’t name you a single player on our team. Emanual Monday? That sounds right.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Ignore our record. Look at our talent. Karl Anthony Towns is going to be the best center in the league in five years. Ricky Rubio will pass you the ball on every play. Andrew Wiggins is only getting better. Zach LaVine does cool dunks. The Bulls wanted Kris Dunn so bad that they almost traded Jimmy Butler for him. We are loaded with good, young talent. And Kevin Garnett. This team is ready to compete; we just need a star player. Be our star.

Portland Trailblazers

Have you seen our roster? We made it to the second round of the playoffs with Damian Lillard and CJ McCullom. Terry Stotts is the best coach in the league. Imagine the kind of damage we can do with you as our small forward. You owe it to Seattle to come to Portland. You know it’s true. Don’t even deny it. YOU OWE SEATTLE!

Oklahoma City Thunder

We won’t take much of our time. You know what we have here. We were one game away from the NBA Finals and it was kinda your fault that we didn’t get there. If you didn’t miss every shot in Game 6, we probably would’ve won that game and we’d still be playing today. But let’s move past that. Look at this roster. The core players are young and getting better. Russ is Russ. Oladipo is the first legit two-way guard you’ll play with in your career. Steven Adams is a monster. Enes Kanter’s defense is improving. Andre Roberson’s offense is improving. Dion is the best player in his own mind. You don’t want to miss out dancing with Cam Payne, do you? And think about Nick Collison. You can’t leave Nick. You’re not going to find a younger, better team than this one. We can offer you the most money, the most security, and the best basketball situation. Don’t go out like this. The lasting memory of you in Oklahoma City can’t be no titles and the house of bricks you built in Game 6. Think about your teammates. The fans. Your family. This is where you belong. You’re the real MVP, Kevin.

Utah Jazz

You can do what you always do. Put up big numbers and lose games.

Golden State Warriors

We’re gonna need you to improve your three point shooting if you want us to even consider signing you.

Los Angeles Lakers

Laker Nation: Kevin Durant is one of the best basketball players in the world. We have to try our best to sign him.

Los Angeles Clippers

All you need to do is stand where Chris Paul tells you to stand, watch him dribble a lot, and wait for him to pass you the ball. Don't make us kidnap you.

Phoenix Suns

Did you not hear Charles Barkley bury us on Inside the NBA this year? We have ugly cheerleaders, stale popcorn, flat soda and beer, rock hard pretzels, and dirty seats. There's no way you're signing with us. But the weather is really nice.

Sacramento Kings

Fight DeMarcus Cousins. He wins, you sign. You win, well, I wouldn’t bet on that.