Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Warriors vs. Cavaliers was Hart vs. Austin


The Golden State Warriors entered the 2016 NBA Playoffs as favorites. They dazzled fans all season with their beautiful basketball. Everything was crisp, clean, and made sense. The Cleveland Cavaliers were a bit different. They were being led by an unstoppable machine surrounded by parts and pieces that didn't always mesh together.

The Warriors were a likable bunch. Steph Curry was the undersized guard who became the first ever unanimous MVP. Klay Thompson was a generic looking guy but a killer on the court. Draymond Green was the overlooked product who slipped in the draft and was hell bent on proving critics wrong. The Warriors were Bret Hart.

The Cavs weren't as likable. LeBron James was an arrogant whiner. Kyrie Irving stalled the offense and didn't get teammates involved. Kevin Love just sort of existed. The Cavs were Steve Austin.


Games 1 and 2 were Hart's title run and Austin's Ringmaster days. The Warriors proved to be the better, deeper, team while the Cavs struggled as some wondered whether or not they could turn this into a series. The Warriors spot at the top seemed cemented while the Cavs searched for their identity.

Game 3 was King of the Ring 96. The Cavs finally found their footing while the Warriors didn't bother to show up.

Game 4 was Wrestlemania 13. The Warriors won the game, but the actions of Green turned people against them, much like Bret's refusal to break the sharpshooter. LeBron was admired for standing up to someone his own size after years of flopping when smaller guys like Derek Fisher would run into him or making fun of soft foreigners like Dirk Nowitzki. The Warriors won this battle, but they awoke a beast who could not be stopped.

Game 5 was everything leading up to Montreal. The Warriors were still the champions without one of their leaders while the Cavs needed superhuman performances from LeBron and Kyrie just to stay alive much like Austin following the Owen pile driver. The Cavs were heating up, but the Warriors wouldn't give up their spot that easy.

Game 6 was Montreal. The NBA screwed the Warriors and just like Bret spit in the face of Vince McMahon, Curry chucked his mouthpiece at a fan in frustration. Had Twitter been around in 97, I have no doubt that Julie Hart would've gone off the deep end the same way Ayesha Curry did.

Game 7 was Hart's WCW career and Austin's run on top. The Cavs and LeBron James cemented their legacies as one of the greatest in history. The Cavs finally brought a title to Cleveland while LeBron is unquestionably one of the top five best basketball players ever. Kyrie proved that the stage wasn't too big and even Love provided strong minutes. Meanwhile, the Warriors became a mess. Draymond came out with something to prove, but ultimately went the way of Steph and Klay, failing to live up to expectations and change history. To the untrained eye, it looked like the Warriors had been sapped of their energy and just didn't have the desire to compete anymore.

This series exposed the Warriors for who they truly are. Curry has become the arrogant whiner. Klay is a blind yapper. Draymond is the new captain of team bitchmade. Meanwhile, the Cavs have become beloved. LeBron turned into the ultimate troll, J.R. Smith refuses to put a shirt on, and Love is celebrating like the man who his team became.

(Writers Note: Samer Kadi came up with the premise of this column. He's just super lazy and I'm a word spaz, so I took a throwaway joke he made during our chat and turned it into 500+ words of sleep deprived rambling)

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