The Ultimate Sports Blog: Merry Christmas To The NFL

It's officially Christmas and we are going to celebrate the holiday by handing out presents to each individual NFL team. Enjoy.

NFL Christmas Presents

Arizona Cardinals:

The Cardinals are a playoff team that has a mess of a situation at quarterback right now. After unfortunate injuries to the first two guys on the depth chart, the Cardinals are left trying to scramble to find a reliable signal caller who won't blow the game due to his horribleness. Kurt Warner is that man. He's a free agent. He's 60 years old. He's better than anyone currently healthy on Arizona's roster.

Atlanta Falcons:

The Falcons' biggest problem right now is that they are a horribly coached team. Mike Smith is an awful head coach and I don't know how he still has a job (he probably still will after this season unfortunately for Falcons fans). Jim Harbaugh isn't rumored at all to go to Atlanta, but the Falcons would be smart to consider attempting to lure him their way. If not him, than someone else (Kevin Sumlin out of Texas A&M maybe?).....anyone else.

Baltimore Ravens:

I'm giving the Ravens an extremely young version of Ray Lewis for Christmas. Why? Because the Ravens were a much more entertaining team when they had Lewis on the roster. Can you imagine Ray Lewis and Steve Smith Sr. on the same team? The shit-talking would be insane.

Buffalo Bills:

Welcome to Paradise. No one should ever be forced to play in Buffalo. NO ONE!

Carolina Panthers:

Cam Newton has regressed this year and a big part of the reason why is because the Panthers have a depleted offensive line that can't protect him. If I had to give the Panthers a gift this season, I would send them a healthy left tackle to help protect Newton's blindside.

Chicago Bears:

The Bears are a mess of a football organization right now. The funny thing about it all is.....they really aren't a bad football team. They just seem to not all be on the same page. With that said, I present the Bears of Chicago a nice package of "PEACE, LOVE, and HARMONY". The whole organization from top-to-bottom needs to get together, hold hands, and start singing heart-warming songs. Maybe that will fix the whole deal? If not, fire Marc Trestman and bring in Jon Gruden.

Cincinnati Bengals:

The Bengals are in the playoffs AGAIN! Of course, it's meaningless for Cincinnati to make the playoffs considering they can't win a game when they get there. Is this finally the year that Cincinnati gets that monkey off of their back? It is now because Santa Claus said so......

Cleveland Browns:

Here's a time machine for the Browns so they can go back in time and NOT draft Johnny Manziel like myself and the rest of the football world told them not to do.

Dallas Cowboys:

Much like the Cincinnati Bengals, the Dallas Cowboys are in the playoffs.....but they are also a team that can't seem to get a win in the post-season. Their last playoff win came against Philadelphia in 2010. Before that though? You have to go all the way back to 1996 to find one. To say that I'm a little worried about Dallas come playoff time would be a lie. I'm EXTREMELY worried.

Denver Broncos:

Peyton Manning is getting old. Here's a high school version of Peyton Manning for the Broncos to groom into one of the best signal-callers the league has ever seen. Take advantage of my Christmas spirit Denver fans. It's not everyday I would do something nice for you, like give you a 16-year old Peyton Manning.

Detroit Lions:

Is there an eleven-win playoff team in the NFL that gets more dis-respected than the Detroit Lions? I haven't' seen a single person say that they are comfortably picking the Lions to make some noise in the playoffs. Aren't those the teams that usually do make some noise in the playoffs? Does anyone think the Lions can actually be THAT team? Maybe now that they have a whole barrel of "respect" to hand out among themselves....maybe they will actually start getting some?

Green Bay Packers:

The Packers are one of the NFC teams that people are picking to make the Super Bowl. Well, in order for the Packers to make the Super Bowl, they are probably going to have to beat Seattle in Seattle at some point in the playoffs. Does anyone (even Packer fans) think that Green Bay can beat Seattle in Seattle? Did you NOT see that game way back in week one? I got some good news though. For Christmas, I'm giving the Packers the gift of not having to play Seattle at all. I'm pretty sure that's the only way they are getting to the Super Bowl.

Houston Texans:

The Texans badly need a quarterback. Oregon's Marcus Mariota is arguably the best quarterback in the draft. The Texans aren't bad enough to draft Mariota, but I'll gladly wrap him up and hand him to Texans fans as a last-minute Christmas gift. I imagine they wouldn't have a problem with it.

Indianapolis Colts:

The Colts really need Peyton Manning and Tom Brady to retire so Andrew Luck and the ponies can rise to the top of the AFC. I'm a huge Luck fan as everyone knows and I honestly think he's going to win more than a few rings in the NFL. However, as long as those two guys above are still in the league and still in the playoffs, it's going to make things that much harder. My present to you Colts fans is Brady and Manning both announcing their retirement this off-season (100% chance of not happening, but it's fun to think about).

Jacksonville Jaguars:

You know how long it's been since the Jaguars had a season where they had more than 8 wins? Seven years. That's right. Not since 2007 (where Jacksonville finished 11-5 and beat the Steelers in the wild card) has the town of Jacksonville known what it feels like to cheer for a winner. My present to Jaguars fans is a winning season next year. It may only be 9 wins, but at least it's a winning season. Jacksonville actually showed a little bit of promise this year and if they can go and pick up some good pieces in free agency and the draft, it wouldn't be that out-of-the-box to think the Jags could crack 9 wins next year. Cleaning up that horrible offensive line would be a nice start.....

Kansas City Chiefs:

The Chiefs need an elite #1 wide receiver in the worst kind of way. The fact that they have yet to throw a touchdown pass to a wide receiver all-season is ridiculous. Dwayne Bowe isn't the player he once was and will likely be cut in the off-season because his production isn't matching up to his salary. If there's anyway (right now, the chance is somewhere between 0 and 0.25%) the Chiefs can land Amari Cooper in the upcoming NFL Draft, that would be an ideal situation for them. Cooper is my favorite player in the draft not named Marcus Mariota and he has tons of #1 wide receiver potential. Merry Christmas Alex Smith and Chiefs fans.

Miami Dolphins:

Regular readers of the blog know that I'm not a fan of Miami Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin. I think the Dolphins are right there on the cusp of being a good NFL team, they just need an upgrade at one of the most important positions in a football organization. Jim Harbaugh going to the Dolphins would be great for everyone involved. Harbaugh would inherit a team that is ready to win now and the Dolphins would get a coach who could likely put Ryan Tannehill into that next level of NFL QB's. It would be a win-win for all.

Minnesota Vikings:

Teddy Bridgewater looks like the real deal so far, he just needs more talent around him. I don't know what the Vikings are planning on doing with Adrian Peterson, but who cares? Vikings fans, I hand you over the services of Melvin Gordon, the best running back in the draft. The combination of Bridgewater and Gordon would be fun to watch and something tells me Vikings fans would forget "AD" real quick.

New England Patriots:

Do I really have to explain this one? It's been awhile since Brady and Belichick won it all. Perhaps it's time again?

New Orleans Saints:

Something tells me that Saints fans and those within the organization themselves would love to be able to forget this season. Merry Christmas guys.

New York Jets:

The Jets need a QB like I need a million dollars. The Jets also happen to be the last place I want Marcus Mariota to end up. With that said, I give you Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston who just feels like a New York Jets draft pick. I think Winston has the talent to be successful in the NFL, but a big part of that is going to be where he ends up and who his head coach is. Going to the Jets probably wouldn't be an ideal scenario for Winston and his fans, but it's probably going to happen and I just made it happen.

New York Giants:

The world needs more Odell Beckham one-handed catches. He just made the Giants "must-watch TV" and that alone is a fantastic present.

Oakland Raiders:

The Raiders are a team that is "on their way". They seem to have found a competent quarterback in Derek Carr and Khalil Mack and the Oakland defense is an improving unit. The one big missing piece on the Raiders is good offensive talent. It's no question that the combination of Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew is one of the worst in the NFL at running back. If the Minnesota Vikings decide to part ways with Adrian Peterson, the Raiders could do a lot worse than bringing in one of the NFL's elite backs. Peterson will likely be booed wherever he plays next season, but Raiders fans will soak him up. They are a sadistic bunch.

Philadelphia Eagles:

Oh, you were expecting something else? C'MON MAN!

Pittsburgh Steelers:

The world is a better place when Odell Beckham Jr. is making one-handed catches. The world is also a better place when Antonio Brown is kicking punter's in the face during punt returns. If the NFL had more kicks to the face, I think the ratings would be double what they are now. My present to Steelers fans is 1,204 Antonio Brown kicks next season. The Steelers would be my second favorite team if that happened.

San Diego Chargers:

You already have the best jersey's in the history of the NFL. What more do you want?

San Francisco 49ers:

We all know Jim Harbaugh is as good as gone in San Francisco. The 49ers are going to be looking for a head coach in the off-season, so why not just replace one former Stanford coach with the current Stanford coach? Shaw is definitely on NFL team's radars, but he's reportedly comfortable coaching where he's at right now. However, we all know that some NFL jobs are extremely hard to pass up. If San Francisco came calling, Shaw would probably listen. He wouldn't have to move very far, he would inherit a team that has one of the NFL's best overall rosters, and has the pleasure of having a good relationship with the guy who's job he is taking. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Seattle Seahawks:

Does back-to-back Super Bowl titles work for you Seattle fans?

St. Louis Rams:

The Rams are a team that is "right there". They are almost good enough to become a force in the NFL, they are just missing a huge piece at the most important position on the football field. St. Louis would be a very desirable location for Marcus Mariota and something tells me Jeff Fisher and company would be extremely happy to see this kid fall in their hands. Anything is better than another season of Sam Bradford.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: