Slammin' Stevie Cook's NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks!

Hi, hello & welcome to Wild Card Weekend in the National Football League! I'm Slammin' Stevie Cook, and I would have had this done earlier but it's been a pretty interesting week! The Ultimate Football Awards were taped a couple of days ago, and of course I attended Johnny Manziel's after-party with all the stars & the UFB crew. I don't recall a whole lot about what happened, but I remember Katy Perry was there, Olivia Munn was there, and it took me a good day or so to be able to walk again. Good times.

But I can't leave you degenerate gamblers in the lurch for the playoffs, can I? Let's clear the cobwebs & see what we have awaiting us...

Saturday, January 3

Cardinals at Panthers (-6.5): You read that right, folks. The NFC South Champion Carolina Panthers, a team with seven wins that most of the NFL media will tell you shouldn't even be in the playoffs, are favored by almost a touchdown. Why is that? Well, they're playing a team quarterbacked by Ryan Lindley.

In Ryan Lindley's defense, he did finally throw his first touchdown pass last week against the San Francisco 49ers. Unfortunately he's running into the juggernaut that is the Panthers of late, as they've won their last four games and are coming off a whooping of the Atlanta Falcons in Atlanta. The interesting thing about that win streak is that the Panthers blew teams out in their two road games, but their two home games were decided by less than a touchdown. And these two home games were against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers & Cleveland Browns, who in case you weren't paying attention this year, weren't all that great. That's why even though I think the Panthers probably win the game, I think the Cardinals can make it close.

Ravens at Steelers (-3): Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning the AFC North. Tell them what they've won, Johnny!

Johnny: Well Steve, they've won the right to host the Baltimore Ravens in the wild card round of the NFL Playoffs!

Yeah, apparently sometime in the last couple of days we hired Johnny Manziel to be our announcer. The kid needs to find something else to do once he's out of football, so we're glad to help out. Anyway, hosting the Ravens isn't the best thing to be doing in the playoffs considering that Joe Flacco's won six road playoff games during his relatively brief NFL career. That's a record in case you're scoring at home, or even if you're alone. Here's another interesting stat: The Steelers are 9-0 against teams from their own division in the playoffs, including three wins over the Ravens. I don't want to play the Ravens, but then again I don't want to play the Steelers either. I think Pittsburgh wins by a touchdown.

Sunday, January 4

Bengals at Colts (-3): If only I had started writing about football a few years ago. Then I could have written something about the Bengals wild card game back in 2011, then reused it for 2012, 2013, & this year. The story is still the same. The Bengals have not won a playoff game since January 6, 1991. To put that in perspective, here's some things that hadn't happened yet:

-Michael Jordan winning an NBA Championship.
-Teddy Bridgewater being born.
-Jeff Gordon making his Winston Cup debut.
-The Carolina Panthers, Jacksonville Jaguars, New Cleveland Browns, Houston Texans, Colorado Rockies, Florida Marlins, Arizona Diamondbacks, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, San Jose Sharks, Ottawa Senators, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers, Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, Nashville Predators, Atlanta Thrashers/Winnipeg Jets, Columbus Blue Jackets & Minnesota Wild existing.
-Don't even get me started on all the relocations & new stadiums, we'll be here until the Bengals' wild card playoff game next year.

How about this: The U.S. was starting their first war in Iraq. The Simpsons had been on the air for one season. Rick Pitino was in his second season coaching the Kentucky Wildcats. The Cincinnati Reds were celebrating what would be their last World Series championship for at least 25 years. The Oregon Ducks were still years away from winning their first conference championship since 1957. Jeremy Lambert was in diapers. Well he still is today, but work with me here people. Bottom line: A lot of stuff's gone down since Boomer Esiason threw for two touchdowns & ran for another as the Bengals destroyed the Houston Oilers 41-14. I remember young six year old me, at that point not jaded & cynical due to years of frustration but full of optimism & WhoDey fever, looking forward to next week, when the Bengals would travel to Memorial Coliseum in Los Angeles to take on Bo Jackson's Raiders.

THIS IS HOW LONG IT'S BEEN! I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FREAKING HOUSTON OILERS & LOS ANGELES RAIDERS! FOR GOD'S SAKE, THE RAIDERS WILL PROBABLY MOVE BACK TO LOS ANGELES BEFORE THE BENGALS WIN ANOTHER PLAYOFF GAME!

Ahem.

Anyway, we know what happened from there. Bo Jackson broke his hip but the Bengals broke their soul. This started the infamous Lost Decade for the franchise. Paul Brown died & the Bengals died with him. Years of futility. It wasn't until Marvin Lewis arrived in 2003 & brought Carson Palmer with him that the Bengals finally achieved...wait for it...mediocrity. And we've lived with this mediocrity for the past decade, as it's at least been better than what we were going through in the 1990s. We're at least going to playoff games.

But we're not winning playoff games. It's tough to see us winning this one either, though you can make the argument that the Colts have not been the same team since their meeting with Cincy in Week 7, and neither have been the Bengals. We often make the mistake of assuming that a rematch between teams will have the same result, when that usually isn't the case.

So no, I don't think the Bengals will lose 27-0. 28-21 seems more likely. Lots of money has come in on the Bengals this week but I'm not really sure why. The Colts have the better offense, their defense was at least effective the last time they played Andy Dalton, and let's face it, the Bengals haven't proven they can play effectively in the postseason. I'll be rooting on my Bengals like always, but I can't tell you to put your money on them & be able to look at myself in the mirror. Even if I am a handsome man.

Lions at Cowboys (-6.5): The main thing we've learned in the past week from the National Football League is that it's a bigger crime to not speak to reporters than it is to target injured body parts. That's why Donkey Kong Suh gets fined 70K for stepping on Aaron Rodgers while Marshawn Lynch got 100K lighter because he's not a very sociable guy. So that's another thing to throw in Roger Goodell's face the next time he tells us how much the NFL cares about player safety. You keep enabling knuckleheads like Suh to do stupid things & they're going to keep doing stupid things.

Detroit seems to be full of players that play dirty & act like fools, so they're pretty tough for most people to root for. Lots of people have trouble getting behind the Cowboys. The funny thing is that if you're somebody that doesn't like the same teams winning all the time & like a little variety in your playoff life, these are the teams for you. Detroit hasn't won a playoff game since 1991, and hasn't been to the NFL's championship-deciding game since 1957, a decade before there was even a Super Bowl. Historically the Cowboys have been far more successful, but their struggles in the playoffs & at the end of the season during Tony Romo's time at QB1 have been well-documented. One of these teams will at least move on to next week. Where they'll probably lose.

I've been liking the Cowboys to win this game, but with the Suh suspension overturned I'm starting to get a funny feeling about the Lions at least keeping it close. It seems like everybody's been riding the Cowboys pretty hard lately, and usually when everybody jumps on a bandwagon like that it seems to go off the rails. Betting on Tony Romo going off the rails isn't the dumbest idea I've pitched in this column.

Last week: 9-7

Regular Season Record: 126-124-6