Welcome everyone to the first annual ULTIMATE FOOTBALL BLOG ULTIMATE FOOTBALL AWARDS SHOW!!!!!
We have a fantastic show lined up for you tonight. All your favorite NFL stars are here and we have performances by Smash Mouth, Nickelback, and Lorde!
And now, you’re host for the evening….KATY PERRY!!!!!!!
*Perry comes onto the stage wearing a #69 Redskins jersey*
Perry: It’s such an honor to host the first anal Ultimate Football Blog Ultimate Footballs Award Show. In Week Sex of the NFL season, I helped Steve Cock make his football picks. I don’t remember how I did because last Friday night I took too many shots, had to run from the cops, and made love to Stevie Cocks. But I’m pretty sure I did well otherwise they wouldn’t have had me on my back. But enough about me, LET’S HAND OUT SOME AWARDS! Please welcome our first presenter: JOHNNY FOOTBALLS!
*Johnny Manziel comes out with a drink in his hand and bloodshot eyes*
Manziel: Man. This is pretty cool. First off, I want to apologize to the Cleveland Browns fans for my actions this year. I wanted to invite more of you to my parties, but I had to keep a low profile. But now that it’s the offseason, PARTY AT MY PLACE TONIGHT! I SEE YOU LEBRON! Tonight I’ll be handing out the Concussion Lawsuit Award for Biggest Hit of the Season. I’m pretty sure I won this award right before I came out on stage cause I took a pretty big hit, if you know what I mean. MONEY! MONEY!
*A bunch big hit highlights play*
Manziel: And the winner is….ANTONIO BROWN FOR KICKING MY PUNTER IN THE FACE!!!!
*Antonio Brown comes up to accept his award*
Brown: Thank you to the fans for voting for me for this award and thank you to Spencer Lanning for taking a good bump. Being part of the Cleveland Browns, I know that wasn’t the first time Lanning has tasted defeat.
*Manziel takes a sip of his drink and laughs*
Brown: Finally, thanks to all the haters for motivating me this year. I’ll see you in the playoffs.
*Music plays as we cut to Katy Perry*
Perry: Congratulations, Antonio. I like a man with a foot fetish. Our next presenter is known as Mr. Worldwide, Mr. 305, Mr. Shuck and Jive, Mr. Thrill Ride, Mr. Dead or Alive, Mr. Always By My Side, Mr. Take A Dive, Mr. Sex Deprive, Mr. He Has Arrived, Mr. Groom and Bride, Mr. Can’t Provide, Mr. So Deep Inside, Mr. High Tide, Mr. Go Outside, Mr.
*Finally Pitbull comes out onto the stage*
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Pitbull: ULTIMATE FOOTBALL BLOG HOW YOU DOIN!?!?!?!
*Suddenly Michael Vick appears and punches Pitbull in the face. Everyone is initially shocked, but then they all erupt in cheers because no one likes Pitbull*
Vick: I think PETA will approve of me fighting that Pitbull. Now, here are the nominees for the Jim Caldwell Award for Vacant Stare, What’s Happening Around Here?
*Highlights*
Vick: And the winner is…JAY CUTLER!!!!
*Cutler comes up to accept his award*
Cutler: I’ve never won anything. So this is pretty cool. Thanks to my friends and family for supporting me and all of Chicago. I promise to not get our coach fired next season. Maybe. I’m not really sure.
*Cut back to Katy Perry*
Perry: Congratulations, Jay. I’ll see you and your wife tonight. Our next presenter is a living legend in the sport of football. Please welcome LANDON DONOVAN!!!
*Landon Donovan comes out on the stage a little confused*
Donovan: I think I’m at the wrong football awards show.
*Laugh track*
Donovan: Anyway, it’s great to be around real men and not a bunch of pussies who act like they’re having a heart attack when they’re touched.
*Video highlights of linemen flopping when shoved play behind Donovan*
Donovan: I’m here to present the Christopher Reeves Stem Cell Award for Superman of the Year. Here are the nominees.
*Highlights*
Donovan: And the winner is….AARON RODGERS!!!!
*Rodgers makes his way to the stage to accept his award*
Rodgers: I really thought my career was over in week 17 against the Lions when I hurt my leg. But thanks to God, he gave me a new lease on life and allowed me to not only play again, but he allowed me to play in that game and lead my team to victory.
*Suddenly Cam Newton walks onto the stage*
Newton: Man, you missed like five minutes. I missed the entire offseason with ankle problems, most of the preseason and the first game with a rib injury, and a game later in the year after a car crash. Yet I still led my team to a division title.
Rodgers: Relax, Cam. You only won five games as a starter this year. And I missed more than five minutes. But you’re right, you deserve this award more than me. And you can have it. WHEN ANDY DALTON WINS A PLAYOFF GAME! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*Cut to Andy Dalton with a confused look on his face*
Rodgers: Relax, Andy. I’m just kidding. You can have this award Cam. Just don’t try passing it off to Kelvin because he’ll probably drop it! BOOM!
*Cut to an angry Kelvin Benjamin*
Rodgers: Relax, Kelvin. THIS AWARD IS MINE! I’M AARON RODGERS AND I’M BANGING OLIVIA MUNN, SUCKAS! RODGERS OUT!
*Rodgers walks off stage as we cut back to Katy Perry*
Perry: So that’s who that other chick was with Aaron and me last night. Anyway, it’s time for our first performance of the night. Here to perform their hit “All-Star” please welcome SMASH MOUTH!!!!
*Smash Mouth performs as people wonder if it’s 1999. They finish their song to a smattering applause. Jon Gruden walks onto the stage*
Gruden: I tell ya, there’s nothing I love more than smash mouth football. THOSE GUYS know how to rock. Now, I’m here to present the He Hate Me Award for Whatever The Hell Happened To That Guy? Here are the nominees.
*Highlights play*
Gruden: And the winner is….THE KANSAS CITY CHEIFS RECIEVERS!!!!
*The spotlight searches for someone on the Chiefs receiving core but can’t find anyone*
Gruden: Well I guess we shouldn’t expect them to show up now when they haven’t shown up all season. I’ll accept this award on behalf of the Chiefs. THOSE GUYS! Rabble rabble rabble.
*Cut to Katy Perry*
Perry: I don’t know, Jim, they scored with me last night. You know our next presenter as one of the greatest receivers of all-time. I love me some him. Please welcome TERRELL OWENS!
*Owens comes onto the stage with a big smile on his face*
Owens: What a great season it was for the Cowboys.
*Fans boo*
Owens: THAT’S MY TEAM MAN!
*Owens starts crying*
Owens: Here are the nominees for the 2011 Chris Johnson Award for I Got Paid, I Aint Playing Hard No More.
*Highlights*
Owens: And the winner is….JIMMY GRAHAM!!! Jimmy is too busy counting his money to show up when it matters. So I’ll accept this award on his behalf. THAT’S MY AWARD MAN!
*Owens cries as he walks off stage*
Perry: I love a man who shows his emotions. It’s time for our next performance. Please welcome NICKELBACK!!!
*Nickelback and four Nickelback cover bands hit the stage. Chad Kroger steps to the mic*
Kroger: What you see here is five Nickelbacks united to make….QUARTERBACK!!!!!!
*Quarterback performs a medley of Nickelback hits, but they are all performing different songs at the same time so it sounds terrible. Just like a regular Nickelback song*
Kroger: WE LOVE YOU GRANTLAND!!!!!
*Quarterback exits the stage as we cut back to Perry*
Perry: That’s one quarterback I’d like to sack. Hey. That rhymed. And is now my next hit single. That’s one quarterback I’d like to stack. Oh baby baby. Hit it from the back.
*Roger Goodell steps onto the stage to present the next award. Everyone boos*
Goodell: Thank you for the warm reception. I am here to present the final award of the evening. Although after an appeal, this might actually not be the final award of the evening. Maybe I’ll look at the tape. Although the tape might lie and wasn’t sent to us in time. Yes, this will be the final award and that’s final. Unless I decide to make this the first award. Then that’s final. Maybe I’ll just suspend these award shows for the rest of the season. On second thought I’ll just fine anyone appearing on the award shows. No. Just a slap on the wrist. Here are the nominees for the 2014 Roger Goodell for I Saw It With My Own Eyes. Let’s go to the video. I swear I’ve never seen this video before.
*Highlights*
Goodell: And the winner is….PEYTON MANNING!!!! for how bad he’s been in the second half of the season!
*Peyton walks onto the stage to accept his award*
Manning: Wow. I don’t really know what to say. It’s been a struggle but when the games get bigger and the weather gets colder, I always deliver. Just remember that.
*Cut back to Katy Perry*
Perry: I don’t know who Peyton Manning is. Anyway, THANKS FOR TUNING IN EVERYONE! Here to close out the show is my good friend Lorde!
*Lorde hits the stage*
Lorde: I am Lorde. Ya ya ya. We are not royals. Ya ya. I am Lorde. Ya ya ya. Good night everyone. Ya ya.
*Huge applause*
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