The Pro Bowl Fantasy Draft

Ultimate Football Blog correspondents Jeremy Lambert and Steve Cook recently got together for a few beers, some Cards Against Humanity, and oh yeah....a little thing called the first annual Ultimate Football Blog Pro Bowl Fantasy Draft! You may have seen the Pro Bowl Draft on ESPN recently (if you watched that show, you may have problems), but that one sucked. This one is much better. If you aren't satisfied by the end of it, I promise I will give you a refund......


Jeremy Lambert: Last year the NFL changed the Pro Bowl from an AFC vs. NFC game to a Fantasy Draft format in order to make the game "more fan friendly." I don't see how letting Hall of Fame players select the teams makes the game "more fan friendly" since it's the same dull football game with nothing on the line, but whatever. Fellow Ultimate Football Blogger Steve Cook and I decided to do our own fantasy draft, but in podcast form. And we're going to do the same thing this year, but in written form.

We're using the initial Pro Bowl rosters (found here), not the ones that would force one of us to draft Andy Dalton or Matt Ryan or Drew Brees. Holy shit, I didn't realize that Matt Ryan and Drew Brees made the Pro Bowl until I actually had to look at the rosters to do this draft.  Derek Anderson should've made the Pro Bowl over those two losers. We're also working under the rules that this would be a competitive Pro Bowl game with actual scheming and coaching and not whatever sham the league produces on Sunday. And we’re only drafting starters because back-ups are overrated.

Anyway, I'll be selecting first due to the fact that I'm writing this intro and my Carolina Panthers actually won a playoff game, unlike Cook's Cincinatti Bengals. I'd go off of who won the head-to-head meeting between the two teams, BUT THEY FRIGGIN TIED!

With the first overall pick, I select.....DEVENSIVE END J.J. WATT!!

There are plenty of good offensive players in the league, but there's only one game-changing defensive player. I don't care who Cook has under center or who he has to protect that guy, I know Watt will make an impact on defense. I can also use him to in offensive goal line sets because all this man does is score touchdowns.

Steve Cook: Watt's a solid pick. An MVP candidate if you don't care what the team actually did. I like your thinking of going after game-changing defenders, in fact I like it so much that I'm going to pick somebody that's an even bigger game-changing defender. People don't even throw the ball to RICHARD SHERMAN's side of the field because they're so afraid of him picking them off. If for some reason your qb decides to try him, you're gonna have a bad time. Add in his leadership intangibles & he's the perfect top pick, spokesperson & team captain.

JL: Sherman was actually going to be my next pick as I aim to build a strong defense, but alas, he is now off the board. I'm going to stick with the same position though and go with Darrelle Revis. Don't get it twisted folks, Revis Island still exists. He's still a shutdown corner who can make the QB pay if they decide to throw his way. Tom Brady was so afraid of Revis that he demanded the Patriots sign him in the off-season so he didn't have to face him anymore. He also knew that signing Revis would make his relatively weak crop of WRs better because they'd be facing the best corner in the game at every practice. This is what I've heard anyway.

SC: Well certainly Tom Brady knows his cornerbacks. I've got Sherman to make the passing game difficult, but I'm also going to need to stop the run. What I need is a big fella inside that's going to stop running backs in their tracks, throw quarterbacks to the ground, make offensive linemen's lives living hells and pull out all the stops in order to win this one game. And I mean all the stops. I've never been a huge fan of NDAMUKONG SUH as a human being, but his ruthlessness is exactly what the doctor orders for a one game fight to the death.

JL: I've got my pass rusher and I've got corner. I'm not worried about stopping the run because who the hell runs the ball anymore? So now I'm going to the offensive side of the ball and I want the guy who is the undisputed best at his position. The guy who can't be matched up with. I want The Big Rob Gronkowski.

SC: Who runs the ball anymore? Teams that win playoff games, that's who. Winners. Not gonna lie, I was hoping Gonk would still be here at this spot, but instead I'll pick who I want running this show. Somebody who wins no matter what's at his disposal. Somebody who's seen it all and done it all. The person who I'd want quarterbacking my team if my life depended on it and I was only allowed to use Kansas City Chiefs wide receivers. Tom Brady, come on down. Brady vs. Manning is a viable debate in many areas, but not in the win-loss category.

JL: Let's not go crazy here. Tom Brady is a very good quarterback, but to say he could make the Chiefs wide receivers into something might be over-stating just how good he is. Going back to defense, this pick would be considered a homer pick if he wasn't the reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year and a tackling machine. I'm taking my boy Luke Kuechly to shut down any of that dink and dunk passing that Cook's team might try.

SC: In fairness, Kuechly is the entire Panthers defense and putting anybody of any value with him would be pretty cool. Since Lambert's already indicated that he has no intention of running the ball, I'm going to need people that can get to the quarterback & help shut down that passing game before the ball even gets into Richard Sherman's hands. Kansas City's Justin Houston led the NFL with 22 sacks this year so he seems like a pretty solid choice for that.

JL: Or was it a ruse that I won't run the ball? Cook won't know until I actually take another offensive player, which isn't happening this round. I'm going to add to my defensive line and go with Marcell Darius. He led all defensive tackles with 10 sacks so it's pretty easy to see what I'm trying to do here on defense.

SC: I'm gonna get somebody to catch the ball from Tom Brady. Y'all know that I don't like the Pittsburgh Steelers, but Antonio Brown is just the kind of guy you want to have on your offense. He can't get less than five catches & he can't get less than fifty yards, it's unpossible. You can also run him around in reverses, have him catch punts after another failed drive by your opponent, and he'll kick punters in the face. You may notice that I'm encouraging vile behavior from my team.

JL: Kicking punters in the face shouldn't be illegal if they're dumb enough to try and tackle someone, but that's just me. Cook has Richard Sherman, and I want someone who isn't afraid of Sherman. I want someone who will get in Sherman's face and push him around a little. I want arguably the best receiver in the league. I want Dez Bryant.

SC: SOMEBODY SLAP MY MOMMA! I'm going to go back to the defensive side of the ball, and go back to the Legion of Boom. His name is Earl Thomas, he's a free safety, and just in case somebody thinks they're catching a long pass against my defense & taking it to the house, he's gonna cut that stuff out.

JL: Well Cook has Sherman and Thomas, but I'm not going to let him complete the Legion of Boom secondary because I'm taking Kam Chancellor. There are only two strong safeties on the board, and I want the better of the two. I'll also be using him to jump over the line of scrimmage to block any and all field goals.

SC: I seriously considered Chancellor with the last pick, but I figure T.J. Ward isn't that far off & I'll end up with him by default at the end, so it's all good. I'll finish off my secondary by taking my second corner, and fellow NFC West product Patrick Peterson seems like a good choice. What better way for him to prove he's better than Richard Sherman than to outplay him on the same team?

JL: I've got J.J. Watt on one side of the defensive line. I think I'll put Mario Williams on the other side of the defensive line. That's a duo that'll be in the backfield all day.

SC: Gotta have a U of L guy on my team, and when that U of L guy had 17 sacks this year for the Baltimore Ravens it's a pretty easy choice. Say hello to Elvis Dumervil!

JL: I'm going to round out my defensive line with Kyle Williams. Why? Because that gives me three Buffalo Bills (they led the NFL in sacks this season) and J.J. Watt on my defensive line. My game plan is very obvious at this point. I'm going to attack the QB and make him uncomfortable, leading to bad throws and easy interceptions.

SC: It's not the worst idea. But when's the last time we saw Tom Brady uncomfortable? Kansas City? Then they were on to Cincinnati & forget about it from there, Bills sacked him twice the one time he actually played against them. I'm gonna go defensive end & go back to the NFC West...Robert Quinn from the Rams had seven sacks & co-led the league with five forced fumbles. That could come in handy.

JL: Now that I've got my defensive line together, it's time to put together the rest of my defense. I'm going to get pressure on the QB, forcing him to make short throws. I already have Kuechly to make immediate tackles, but I want to make sure the rest of my outside linebackers can do the same. That's why I'm going with Connor Barwin.

SC: BTW, Quinn had 10.5 sacks. I misread his stat line, so I want to make sure I get it right in case he comes after me. I can afford to wait on my remaining defensive positions since Jeremy's picked his linemen & ILB, so I'll go over to running back. Lots of talented guys with good numbers here, so it's a tough choice, but for my money the most fun to watch is Beast Mode Marshawn Lynch. There aren't many more incredible plays than Lynch running over people all across the field, and he seems to average one of those per game.

JL: I'm going to finally flip things over to the offensive side of the ball. But I'm not going with a skill player. I'm going with a big guy up front to protect my QB, whomever that might be. I'm going to start with Tyron Smith.

SC: I'll be the first to admit that I'm not really an expert when it comes to offensive line play. Andrew Whitworth makes the Pro Bowl most years (not this year) and every time I see him on the field he's either getting blown up or committing a penalty. So I'm out of my depth here. What I do know is that Jerry Jones had to be convinced to pick Zack Martin over Johnny Foosball in the 2014 NFL Draft, and that pick probably won him Executive of the Year. A rookie Pro Bowl guard? Sounds good to me.

JL: I'm actually doing a little bit of research when it comes to my offensive line. Smith is a left tackle, which means I need a right tackle. Unfortunately Pro Bowl voters hate right tackles because every single tackle plays on the left side. Maybe I'll just leave the right side unprotected. Well, I was going to go with a tackle, but now I'll switch things up and go with a wide receiver. And I'm going with Calvin Johnson.

SC: Jordy Nelson had over 1,500 yards & 13 touchdowns. He'll be the most talented white wide receiver Brady's ever had.

JL: I'll go back to building my line and take Maurkice Pouncy.

SC: Joe Thomas has had to block for some of the most ridiculous quarterbacks in history during his time in Cleveland, and he's done it at a Pro Bowl level.

JL: Ryan Clady did a great job protecting Peyton Manning all season. I suspect he'll do the same for whomever is the QB for my team.

SC: The Cowboys have a bunch of talented young linemen, don't they? Second-year center Travis Frederick will do a good job snapping the ball & blocking.

JL: Marshal Yanda. My only reason is that someone has to be giving Joe Flacco enough time to launch the deep ball. I'm just assuming it's Yanda.

SC: It's not a bad theory. Trent Williams is 6'5 & 337 pounds, that's why he's going to be my second offensive tackle selected.

JL: I've got a big TE and two tall receivers on the outside. I need a burner in the slot. I need T.Y. Hilton.

SC: Gonna go ahead and wrap up my o-line with with Mike Iupati. 6'5, 331 pounds brother!

JL: Clay Matthews. Am I racist for going with an all-white line backer group? They have high motors.

SC: Julio Jones had some pretty awesome games this year on a pretty terrible team.

JL: I'll go with Josh Sitton because he'll be sittin the defensive lineman on their ass.

SC: Oh hey I need a tight end! Julius Thomas was very effective this year so I'll give him the nod over Graham, who was gone most of the time.

JL: I don't plan on my team having to punt the ball too often, but if we do, I certainly don't want the Bengals punter even though he probably got a lot of practice. So I'm gonna go with Pat McAfee.

SC: The Bengals punter is very good! Certainly deserves the spot. I still need an inside linebacker. C.J. Mosley was arguably the best rookie on defense this season and looks like he's going to be the next Ray Lewis with the Baltimore Ravens. 152 tackles sounds like a good number.

JL: You seem to be taking a lot of rookies there, Steve Cook. That inexperience could come back to haunt you under the bright Pro Bowl lights. Anyway, I'm going with Brent Grimes. I don't know how often the opposing QB went after him, but when they did, he made them pay more than any other corner in the game.

SC: I don't think rookies are worried about the Pro Bowl lights. In fact, they'll be happy to be there! The old people having motivation is what I'd worry about. Speaking of young studs, how have we gone this long without somebody taking the SHIT CLOGGER? If one player has benefitted from us talking them up, it's Dontari Poe. Just ask Dustin! Put him next to Suh and ain't no shit getting through my d-line.

JL: I was waiting for you to grab the SHIT CLOGGER. That's still one of my favorite things that ever came out of doing a podcast with you. It's no secret by now that I'm looking at building a ball hawking secondary and that's why I'm going with the man who led the NFL in interceptions, Glover Quin, as my strong safety.

SC: I feel like getting Cameron Wake at this point in the draft is great value. 11.5 sacks & he just leaves everything in his wake.

JL: It's time to finally take my running back. And I'm going with the man who was second in the league in rushing and first in the league in receiving yards by a running back. I'm going with Le'Veon Bell to keep Cook's defense on their toes.

SC: Is there anybody you want kicking the ball at the end of a game more than Adam Vinatieri? I don't plan on this being a 3 point game, but you never know.

JL: Sometimes games are won and lost on special teams. That's why I'm going with the best punt/kick returner in league history, Devin Hester, to make a big play for me.

SC: I'll be real, I have no idea who Matthew Slater is. But he plays for the Patriots and is related to A.C. Slater. Sounds like a solid selection to me!

JL: And with the final pick in the Ultimate Football Blog Pro Bowl Fantasy Draft. I'll take my quarterback. It's not too often that you see a quarterback go last in a fantasy draft, but this is all about strategy folks. You may have noticed that I selected Maurkice Pouncy as my center and Le'Veon Bell as my running back. True football fans know just how important the center to QB and QB to RB exchanges are. That's why I'm going with the man Pouncy and Bell are most familiar with. TONY ROMO!!!!! Just kidding, I'm taking Ben Roethlisberger.

Automatic Selections: T.J. Ward (FS to Team Cook), Kevin Huber (P to Team Cook), Stephen Gostkowski (K to Team Lambert) Darren Sproles (Returner to Team Cook), Justin Bethal (Utility to Team Lambert)

SC: Boy, I sure am surprised the Steeler homer went that direction...

Jeremy Lambert

QB: Ben Roethlisberger
RB: Le’Veon Bell
WR: Dez Bryant
WR: Calvin Johnson
WR: T.Y. Hilton
TE: Rob Gronkowski
G: Josh Sitton
G: Marshal Yanda
C: Maurkice Pouncy
T: Tyron Smith
T: Ryan Clady

DE: JJ Watt
DE: Mario Williams
DT: Marcell Darius
DT: Kyle Williams
MLB: Luke Kuechly
OLB: Connor Barwin
OLB: Clay Matthews
CB: Brent Grimes
CB: Darrelle Revis
SS: Kam Chancellor
FS: Glover Quin

P: Pat McAfee
K: Stephen Gostkowski
P/KR: Devin Hester
U: Justin Bethal

Steve Cook

QB: Tom Brady
RB: Marshawn Lynch
WR: Antonio Brown
WR: Jordy Nelson
WR: Julio Jones
TE: Julius Thomas
G: Zack Martin
G: Mike Iupati
C: Travis Frederick
T: Joe Thomas
T: Trent Williams

DE: Robert Quinn
DE: Cameron Wake
DT: Ndamukong Suh
DT: Dontari Poe
MLB: CJ Mosely
OLB: Justin Houston
OLB: Elvis Dumervil
CB: Richard Sherman
CB: Patrick Peterson
SS: T.J. Ward
FS: Earl Thomas

P: Kevin Huber
K: Adam Vinateiri
P/KR: Darren Sproles
U: Matthew Slater