The NFL season starts Thursday, which means you’re going to read a bunch of previews in order to gain insight on all 32 teams. Let me save you some time. Over the next couple of days, I’m going to go division-by-division and tell you why each team will win the Super Bowl and why they won’t. Today I’ll look at the AFC East.
New England Patriots
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Tom Brady is still Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski is the best tight end in the league, that awkward moment when Roger Goodell has to present Tom Brady with the trophy, Bill Belichick is the best coach in the league, they find a new way to cheat, Malcolm Butler easily replaces Darrelle Revis as the #1 corner, this is Tom Brady’s last season and he will retire on top.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: They face the New York Giants in the Super Bowl, Tom Brady gets hurt, Rob Gronkowski gets hurt, their secondary is a mess, Roger Goodell suspends everyone on the team out of spite, Tom Brady’s marriage falls apart, Rob Gronkowski parties too much, Bill Belichick is out of cheating ideas.
Buffalo Bills
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Their offense is good once you get past the quarterback situation, Rex Ryan won games with Mark Sanchez so of course he can win games with Tyrod Taylor, their defense is good and Rex Ryan will make them better, seriously, their defense is really good and Rex Ryan will make them better, no one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Tyrod Taylor is their quarterback, Rex Ryan is a good, but not great coach, Rex Ryan can never beat Bill Belichick, LeSean McCoy is ineffective due to weak quarterback play, they’re the Buffalo Bills.
New York Jets
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Geno Smith won’t be their starter, Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker are a deadly receiving duo, Darrelle Revis is still Darrelle Revis, they have a really good defensive line and pass rush, they have a really good secondary, Geno Smith continues to owe people money.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Geno Smith ends up being their starter, their offensive line sucks, Darrelle Revis is Tampa Bay Darrelle Revis, Brandon Marshall hates his quarterback, Eric Decker is too busy with his reality show, they have no running game, Antonio Cromartie can’t keep track of his kids.
Miami Dolphins
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Lauren Tannehill surpasses Gisele for hottest NFL wife, their defensive line might end up being the best in the league, Ndamukong Suh injures every quarterback, their offense is underrated.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Joe Philbin is their head coach, Ndamukong Suh gets suspended, the offensive line gets Ryan Tannehill killed, their secondary isn’t good, turns out their offense isn’t that good, they’re associated with the HBO show Ballers.
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