The NFL season starts Thursday, which means you’re going to read a bunch of previews in order to gain insight on all 32 teams. Let me save you some time. Over the next couple of days, I’m going to go division-by-division and tell you why each team will win the Super Bowl and why they won’t. Let’s start with the NFC East.
Dallas Cowboys
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Dez Bryant is the best receiver in the league, they have the best offensive line in the league, Tony Romo is a really good quarterback who has really cut down on mistakes, Darren McFadden lives up to his potential behind the Cowboys line, Greg Hardy puts his off the field issues behind him and records double digit sacks, Jerry Jones pays officials off, Jason Garrett is secretly a genius.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Dez Bryant gets hurt, Tony Romo becomes Bad Tony Romo, Jason Garrett does very stupid things, their offensive line falls apart, it turns out that Darren McFadden and Joseph Randle aren’t DeMarco Murray, Greg Hardy and La’el Collins are locker room distractions, their secondary really sucks, Jerry Jones becomes Donald Trump’s running mate, Jason Garrett is still a ginger.
Philadelphia Eagles
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Sam Bradford stays healthy, even if Sam Bradford gets hurt, Mark Sanchez plays well, Chip Kelly’s offense is unstoppable, their linebacker group is one of the best in football, DeMarco Murray remains the best running back in the league, their secondary plays well, they wear teams out with their pace, Chip Kelly makes more crazy trades during the season that end up working out.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Sam Bradford and DeMarco Murray get hurt like they always do, DeMarco Murray doesn’t have as much success behind the Eagles offensive line, their whole chemistry is screwed up with all the offseason moves, Chip Kelly never won a title in college, karma from releasing God’s favorite son Tim Tebow comes back to bite them, the offense slows down as the season goes along, Chip Kelly is actually racist and all the black players revolt.
New York Giants
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: Odell Beckham Jr. might become the best receiver in the league, between The Whip and The Salsa, their receivers are really good at dancing, Eli Manning plays like Playoff Eli Manning, their defense is underrated, they win the Super Bowl every four years and this is year four, Tom Coughlin is still one of the better coaches in the league.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: The Madden curse, Eli Manning keeps throwing interceptions, they don’t play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl, their running backs continue to suck, Jason Pierre-Paul is less effective with less fingers.
Washington Redskins
Why They’ll Win The Super Bowl: They have three average quarterbacks and three is better than one, their offense isn’t that terrible once you get past the quarterback, that South Park episode motivates them to play really well, they’ll be forced to change their name if they lose a game and that motivates them to play really well, Jay Gruden is actually Jon Gruden, they’re able to trade Robert Griffin III to the St. Louis Rams for half their team.
Why They Won’t Win The Super Bowl: Their team sucks, their secondary really sucks, they end up starting a new quarterback every game, everyone in the front office gets fired, Jay Gruden gets fired.
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