Merry Christmas To The NFL

It's officially Christmas and we are going to celebrate the holiday by handing out presents to each individual NFL team. Enjoy.

NFL Christmas Presents

Arizona Cardinals:     

The Cardinals are a playoff team that has a mess of a situation at quarterback right now. After unfortunate injuries to the first two guys on the depth chart, the Cardinals are left trying to scramble to find a reliable signal caller who won't blow the game due to his horribleness. Kurt Warner is that man. He's a free agent. He's 60 years old. He's better than anyone currently healthy on Arizona's roster.

Atlanta Falcons:

The Falcons' biggest problem right now is that they are a horribly coached team. Mike Smith is an awful head coach and I don't know how he still has a job (he probably still will after this season unfortunately for Falcons fans). Jim Harbaugh isn't rumored at all to go to Atlanta, but the Falcons would be smart to consider attempting to lure him their way. If not him, than someone else (Kevin Sumlin out of Texas A&M maybe?).....anyone else.

Baltimore Ravens:

I'm giving the Ravens an extremely young version of Ray Lewis for Christmas. Why? Because the Ravens were a much more entertaining team when they had Lewis on the roster. Can you imagine Ray Lewis and Steve Smith Sr. on the same team? The shit-talking would be insane.

Buffalo Bills:

Welcome to Paradise. No one should ever be forced to play in Buffalo. NO ONE! 

Carolina Panthers:

Cam Newton has regressed this year and a big part of the reason why is because the Panthers have a depleted offensive line that can't protect him. If I had to give the Panthers a gift this season, I would send them a healthy left tackle to help protect Newton's blindside. 

Chicago Bears:

The Bears are a mess of a football organization right now. The funny thing about it all is.....they really aren't a bad football team. They just seem to not all be on the same page. With that said, I present the Bears of Chicago a nice package of "PEACE, LOVE, and HARMONY". The whole organization from top-to-bottom needs to get together, hold hands, and start singing heart-warming songs. Maybe that will fix the whole deal? If not, fire Marc Trestman and bring in Jon Gruden.

Cincinnati Bengals:   

The Bengals are in the playoffs AGAIN! Of course, it's meaningless for Cincinnati to make the playoffs considering they can't win a game when they get there. Is this finally the year that Cincinnati gets that monkey off of their back? It is now because Santa Claus said so......

Cleveland Browns:

Here's a time machine for the Browns so they can go back in time and NOT draft Johnny Manziel like myself and the rest of the football world told them not to do.

Dallas Cowboys:

Much like the Cincinnati Bengals, the Dallas Cowboys are in the playoffs.....but they are also a team that can't seem to get a win in the post-season. Their last playoff win came against Philadelphia in 2010. Before that though? You have to go all the way back to 1996 to find one. To say that I'm a little worried about Dallas come playoff time would be a lie. I'm EXTREMELY worried. 

Denver Broncos:

Peyton Manning is getting old. Here's a high school version of Peyton Manning for the Broncos to groom into one of the best signal-callers the league has ever seen. Take advantage of my Christmas spirit Denver fans. It's not everyday I would do something nice for you, like give you a 16-year old Peyton Manning. 

Detroit Lions:

Is there an eleven-win playoff team in the NFL that gets more dis-respected than the Detroit Lions? I haven't' seen a single person say that they are comfortably picking the Lions to make some noise in the playoffs. Aren't those the teams that usually do make some noise in the playoffs? Does anyone think the Lions can actually be THAT team? Maybe now that they have a whole barrel of "respect" to hand out among themselves....maybe they will actually start getting some? 

Green Bay Packers:

The Packers are one of the NFC teams that people are picking to make the Super Bowl. Well, in order for the Packers to make the Super Bowl, they are probably going to have to beat Seattle in Seattle at some point in the playoffs. Does anyone (even Packer fans) think that Green Bay can beat Seattle in Seattle? Did you NOT see that game way back in week one? I got some good news though. For Christmas, I'm giving the Packers the gift of not having to play Seattle at all. I'm pretty sure that's the only way they are getting to the Super Bowl. 

Houston Texans:

The Texans badly need a quarterback. Oregon's Marcus Mariota is arguably the best quarterback in the draft. The Texans aren't bad enough to draft Mariota, but I'll gladly wrap him up and hand him to Texans fans as a last-minute Christmas gift. I imagine they wouldn't have a problem with it. 

Indianapolis Colts:

The Colts really need Peyton Manning and Tom Brady to retire so Andrew Luck and the ponies can rise to the top of the AFC. I'm a huge Luck fan as everyone knows and I honestly think he's going to win more than a few rings in the NFL. However, as long as those two guys above are still in the league and still in the playoffs, it's going to make things that much harder. My present to you Colts fans is Brady and Manning both announcing their retirement this off-season (100% chance of not happening, but it's fun to think about). 

Jacksonville Jaguars:

You know how long it's been since the Jaguars had a season where they had more than 8 wins? Seven years. That's right. Not since 2007 (where Jacksonville finished 11-5 and beat the Steelers in the wild card) has the town of Jacksonville known what it feels like to cheer for a winner. My present to Jaguars fans is a winning season next year. It may only be 9 wins, but at least it's a winning season. Jacksonville actually showed a little bit of promise this year and if they can go and pick up some good pieces in free agency and the draft, it wouldn't be that out-of-the-box to think the Jags could crack 9 wins next year. Cleaning up that horrible offensive line would be a nice start.....

Kansas City Chiefs:

The Chiefs need an elite #1 wide receiver in the worst kind of way. The fact that they have yet to throw a touchdown pass to a wide receiver all-season is ridiculous. Dwayne Bowe isn't the player he once was and will likely be cut in the off-season because his production isn't matching up to his salary. If there's anyway (right now, the chance is somewhere between 0 and 0.25%) the Chiefs can land Amari Cooper in the upcoming NFL Draft, that would be an ideal situation for them. Cooper is my favorite player in the draft not named Marcus Mariota and he has tons of #1 wide receiver potential. Merry Christmas Alex Smith and Chiefs fans. 

Miami Dolphins:

Regular readers of the blog know that I'm not a fan of Miami Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin. I think the Dolphins are right there on the cusp of being a good NFL team, they just need an upgrade at one of the most important positions in a football organization. Jim Harbaugh going to the Dolphins would be great for everyone involved. Harbaugh would inherit a team that is ready to win now and the Dolphins would get a coach who could likely put Ryan Tannehill into that next level of NFL QB's. It would be a win-win for all.

Minnesota Vikings:

Teddy Bridgewater looks like the real deal so far, he just needs more talent around him. I don't know what the Vikings are planning on doing with Adrian Peterson, but who cares? Vikings fans, I hand you over the services of Melvin Gordon, the best running back in the draft. The combination of Bridgewater and Gordon would be fun to watch and something tells me Vikings fans would forget "AD" real quick.

New England Patriots:

Do I really have to explain this one? It's been awhile since Brady and Belichick won it all. Perhaps it's time again? 

New Orleans Saints:

Something tells me that Saints fans and those within the organization themselves would love to be able to forget this season. Merry Christmas guys. 

New York Jets:

The Jets need a QB like I need a million dollars. The Jets also happen to be the last place I want Marcus Mariota to end up. With that said, I give you Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston who just feels like a New York Jets draft pick. I think Winston has the talent to be successful in the NFL, but a big part of that is going to be where he ends up and who his head coach is. Going to the Jets probably wouldn't be an ideal scenario for Winston and his fans, but it's probably going to happen and I just made it happen. 

New York Giants:

The world needs more Odell Beckham one-handed catches. He just made the Giants "must-watch TV" and that alone is a fantastic present.

Oakland Raiders:

The Raiders are a team that is "on their way". They seem to have found a competent quarterback in Derek Carr and Khalil Mack and the Oakland defense is an improving unit. The one big missing piece on the Raiders is good offensive talent. It's no question that the combination of Darren McFadden and Maurice Jones-Drew is one of the worst in the NFL at running back. If the Minnesota Vikings decide to part ways with Adrian Peterson, the Raiders could do a lot worse than bringing in one of the NFL's elite backs. Peterson will likely be booed wherever he plays next season, but Raiders fans will soak him up. They are a sadistic bunch. 

Philadelphia Eagles:

Oh, you were expecting something else? C'MON MAN!

Pittsburgh Steelers:

The world is a better place when Odell Beckham Jr. is making one-handed catches. The world is also a better place when Antonio Brown is kicking punter's in the face during punt returns. If the NFL had more kicks to the face, I think the ratings would be double what they are now. My present to Steelers fans is 1,204 Antonio Brown kicks next season. The Steelers would be my second favorite team if that happened. 

San Diego Chargers:

You already have the best jersey's in the history of the NFL. What more do you want? 

San Francisco 49ers:

We all know Jim Harbaugh is as good as gone in San Francisco. The 49ers are going to be looking for a head coach in the off-season, so why not just replace one former Stanford coach with the current Stanford coach? Shaw is definitely on NFL team's radars, but he's reportedly comfortable coaching where he's at right now. However, we all know that some NFL jobs are extremely hard to pass up. If San Francisco came calling, Shaw would probably listen. He wouldn't have to move very far, he would inherit a team that has one of the NFL's best overall rosters, and has the pleasure of having a good relationship with the guy who's job he is taking. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Seattle Seahawks:

Does back-to-back Super Bowl titles work for you Seattle fans?

St. Louis Rams:

The Rams are a team that is "right there". They are almost good enough to become a force in the NFL, they are just missing a huge piece at the most important position on the football field. St. Louis would be a very desirable location for Marcus Mariota and something tells me Jeff Fisher and company would be extremely happy to see this kid fall in their hands. Anything is better than another season of Sam Bradford.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

Yep.

Tennessee Titans:

Yep.

Washington Redskins:

I'm beginning to notice a pattern here......

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!

Slammin' Stevie Cook's Week 17 NFL Picks

Hi, hello & welcome to Week 17 of the National Football League! I'm Steve Cook, and it's hard to believe that we're in the season's final week! We're at that point where the games are really really important or they don't mean a lick, and you'll be able to tell which are which when we go through them. As for me & my picking record, last week I managed to work my way back to .500 so I'm starting from scratch! Basically, if I had put wagers on all of these games I would be right where I started, so me gambling would be a waste of time. I'm not surprised by this.

Nor am I surprised by Jeremy Lambert's tirade against fantasy football. He's been talking to me about this for a couple of years now. I get where he's coming from, but I disagree with his stance. I think fantasy football increases fandom of the league as a whole, and that's why the NFL promotes it as much as they do. If Jeremy Lambert & people of his ilk had their way, people would only care about the teams they root for and not watch any other games. That's how Major League Baseball operates these days. Even though fantasy sports started with baseball, MLB has never really promoted fantasy baseball, in fact they tend to ignore it. So they have fans that only watch their teams & don't bother with other games. Yeah, the World Series gets a big rating since it's for all the marbles, but ask Fox how their Saturday Game of the Week does. Not good. The Braves fan isn't tuning in on Saturday at 4:00 to watch the Tigers & Angels. What's that got to do with the Braves? Nothing! Maybe if he had Miguel Cabrera or Mike Trout on his fantasy team, he'd think differently.

When fans feel they have things on the line in games, whether it be betting or with fantasy, they're more interested. That's why the NFL is more than happy that Seahawks fans have T.Y. Hilton on their fantasy team and are motivated to watch Colts games that aren't on against Seahawks games. Maybe their fandom of T.Y. Hilton isn't pure, and next year when somebody else drafts him they won't be as interested, but they're watching the game now & that's what counts. That Seahawks fan that doesn't have T.Y. Hilton on their team next year...maybe they'll have Mohamed Sanu. Then they'll be watching Bengals games that aren't on against Seahawks games. It's ok to have a favorite team & have favorite players on other teams. That doesn't make you a bad person, even though Jeremy Lambert & his ilk would have you believe that you are. Fantasy sports makes us more aware of the individuals playing the game, which I can only believe is a good thing.

All right, let's get it started! All of these games are on Sunday, by the way. No Thursday, no Monday, it's all going down on Sunday.

Browns at Ravens (-9): I'm not sure you can make this line high enough. The Ravens have to win this game & hope for a Chargers loss to get in the playoffs, while the Browns will be running...somebody out there at quarterback. Connor Shaw? Who? Tyler Thigpen? Why? On the bright side, they can't be any worse than Johnny Manziel. Ravens might be resting their starters by the time the second half rolls around, this is gonna get ugly. Why would Rex Grossman want any part of this debacle?

Cowboys (-6.5) at Washington: Dallas needs to win this game & hope that Seattle loses so they can get a first round bye. It's not likely that Seattle will lose, but since Dallas plays earlier in the day they'll still think they have a chance. Thing is, this is one of those pesky rivalry games since we all played Cowboys vs. Indians as kids. At least people in my generation & prior did. Now they play Cowboys vs. Native Americans, or they play with their video games instead. Anyway, Washington's been pretty fiesty lately, and the perfect way for their season to end would be RG3 leading the team to victory over their rivals & ensuring that we have no idea whether or not he's good. Yup, I think that's what'll happen here. If nothing else they'll make it close. Maybe an RG3 pick at the end?

Colts (-7) at Titans: I don't expect to see much from the Colts starters this week since they're going to be the 4 seed in the AFC no matter what happens. If they win they'll either be tied with the Steelers, who own a tiebreaker over them, or slightly behind the Bengals & their Carolina tie that's helpful in these scenarios. Come to think of it, we didn't see too much from the Colts starters last week either, so they'll be good and rested for their wild card game. The tricky part here is that the Titans will be playing for draft position & the last thing they need to do at this point is win this game & put themselves behind Tampa Bay.

Yeah, I wouldn't waste my time with a second of this game.

I guess Titans at home & with the points is the smart play here but if you're gambling on this you have issues.

Saints (-4) at Buccaneers:

The Buccaneers are also in a position where they need to lose this game for draft positioning purposes, so I'm picking the Saints here. Has there been a bigger disappointment among NFL teams than the New Orleans Saints this season? I fully expected them to run away with what I saw as a mediocre NFC South, but they managed to bumble their way out of winning probably the worst division in NFL history. Maybe the Eagles team in the next matchup is in the conversation, but at least they have a winning record & they've been playing with Mark Sanchez for over a month. Maybe you can tell me that Jimmy Graham's injuries have had a similar effect on the Saints, but for God's sake they still had Drew Brees. Maybe the 49ers or Bears make the conversation, but there were warning signs for both teams falling off the map & they both play in tough divisions. Nah, it's gotta be the Saints.

Eagles at Giants (-3): 76ers vs. Knicks games mean more than this one will, as Philly was eliminated from the playoff chase last week after losing to the Washington Football Team. If you lose to Washington you don't deserve to be in the playoffs, hell, you probably don't deserve to be in the league. The Eagles have nobody to blame but themselves, as after Thanksgiving they lost three straight games to get themselves out of the playoff picture. The Giants have won three straight since wrapping up a seven-game losing streak by losing to the lowly Jaguars, and have decided they're going to play for pride if nothing else. I think they have more of that than the Eagles do at this point, and they want some revenge for that beating Philly put on them in Week 6 to start that losing streak.

Bills at Patriots (-5): The Pats have absolutely nothing to play for here since they clinched AFC homefield with the Broncos' loss in Cincinnati. Expect Tom Brady & the starters to play a series at the most, and the Bills to get a win over the second & third units since they eliminated themselves from playoff contention last week by losing to Oakland. We really should have seen that coming since it's so Buffalo to screw the pooch when you've got everything in hand. You shut down Peyton Manning & Aaron Rodgers, so of course Derek Carr's too much for you to handle. Makes perfect sense.

Jaguars at Texans (-9.5):

Texans.

Chargers at Chiefs (-2.5): If San Diego wins this game, they're in the playoffs. Alls they gots to do is roll into Kansas City & beat a Chief team that's lost four of their last five games. KC still has a chance of getting in if they beat the Chargers, the Jaguars beat the Texans & the Browns beat the Ravens. OK, so those second & third parts aren't happening. But you know they'd love nothing more than to at least ensure that their division rival won't make it into the playoffs, and that Kansas City homefield can get really freaking loud when they're trying to break Guinness records. I see the Chiefs winning this game behind a great effort from Jamaal Charles & ending San Diego's season. They won't get to extend their own season, but maybe if they didn't screw around in Oakland back in Week 12 things would be different. Even Dustin James can't deny that game started the tailspin.

Nah, I can't knock Dustin too much. He has great taste in t-shirts.

Jets at Dolphins (-5.5): Dolphins can get to 9 wins here, but have been eliminated from the playoffs due to various tie-breakers. So their fans might want to hang out with Young Jet Fan this week.

The last game between these teams stunk, and this game doesn't matter. I'll take the Jets & the points. Godspeed Rex Ryan...you will be missed by New York headline writers.

Bears at Vikings (-6.5): You know how we look back at the 1983 NFL Draft & wonder how in the hell Todd Blackledge was taken ahead of Jim Kelly & Dan Marino? Or how we we wonder how Marino fell all the way to 27th, near the end of the first round? Oh sure, at the time there were plenty of explanations for this. Mel Kiper & all the draft experts around in 1983 probably thought it made perfect sense. But man does hindsight make them all look like a bunch of dumbasses.

Now I'm not saying Teddy Bridgewater is Jim Kelly or Dan Marino. But I am saying that Johnny Manziel is pretty darn close to Todd Blackledge, and people will look back & laugh at the idea that Johnny Football was taken ahead of Touchdown Teddy & most of the draft experts thought it made sense. Has Mike Mayock issued a public apology yet for all of the horrible things he said about Bridgewater before the draft? He needs to get on that.

The point is that Teddy's doing all right for a rookie. More than all right, as the last rookie QB to complete more than seventy percent of his passes in four straight games was...well...nobody. He still needs to work on his deep ball, but it's tough to do that when you don't have an offensive line or receivers that can get downfield in the limited amount of time they're given.  Minnesota's coaching staff has been very supportive of Teddy, which is one thing he has over a ton of people in the league...including Jay Cutler!

Yup, there's the segue. Cutler is once again Chicago's starting quarterback this week since Jimmy Claussen got a concussion against the Lions. What, was Caleb Hanie unavailable? I had completely forgotten that Cutler was the highest paid player in the NFL this season until everybody in the world brought it up this week. How were Bears fans actually defending this ridiculousness before the season? Talk about living in denial, and I ain't talking about the river in Egypt. I think the Vikings win this game close, but the Bears will keep it close because that's how their season's gone.

Raiders at Broncos (-14.5): Prior to the Broncos/Bengals game I jested with Broncos fans about how I saw Peyton Manning grimace on the sidelines so that meant he wasn't 100%. Broncos fans took exception to this since I'm an outsider, but after Monday night now everybody's wondering what's going on with Peyton Manning. He's never exactly been Mr. January as it is, now he's looking every bit of 38 years old in December. (With the exception of the 3rd quarter where he looked good as ever. But I'm sure an NFL team wouldn't pump a guy full of painkillers during halftime or anything like that. No never.) The Broncos are still going to be pretty  tough to beat in Denver during their first postseason game, but beyond that? Eh.

Denver needs to win this game so they can hold on to that 1st round bye, so I think the Broncos take care of business here. But...I also think the Raiders can get within 14.

Cardinals at 49ers (-6): There's a 99.99999999999999999% chance that this will be Jim Harbaugh's last game as San Francisco 49ers head coach. The 49ers are currently on a 4-game losing streak & have only come within ten points in one of those games: last week's OT loss to the Chargers in a game that Fox News was projecting they had locked up by the end of the 1st quarter. Basically what I'm saying is this line's kinda funny...except, man did you see the Cardinals last week against Seattle? Not having Carson Palmer's starting to catch up with them, and I'm sorry, but I still don't think Drew Stanton's a guy that can manage games well enough to take this team deep in the playoffs.

It's not Drew Stanton this week, it's Logan Thomas. I'm not sure who's better between Logan Thomas or Connor West. They both might be better than Johnny Manziel. In any event, it's gonna be ugly. 49ers should be able to cover this because I can't see Arizona scoring a ton of points in this game. They could still get the 1 seed if they win, Seattle loses & Detroit beats Green Bay...BUT I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!

That ain't happening.

Rams at Seahawks (-12.5): Seattle had that Super Bowl hangover thing going for about half a season, but now they're looking like a team that's not going to be beat. Stout defense, Marshawn Lynch running around all over the place, Russell Wilson quietly becoming one of the top quarterbacks in the league while everybody pays attention to Beast Mode & the defense...it's gotta be pretty scary for everybody else in the NFC to know that after the Seahawks get revenge on St. Louis, the road to the Super Bowl will go through Seattle.

Lions at Packers (-7.5): Winner of this game wins the NFC North & gets a first round bye, so there's quite a bit on the line here. The only way the winner won't get a first round bye is if there isn't a winner and there's a tie. How awesome would that be? It's not going to happen though. I think the Packers win this game because Detroit hasn't won in Green Bay since the Magic Man Don Majkowski was starting for the Packers. The question is if the Lions defense can shut Aaron Rodgers down enough to make it close. I'ma say no because Rodgers needs to have a good enough week so people don't go crazy & start voting for defensive players for MVP. Packers it is then.

Panthers at Falcons (-4): I actually see people out there wondering why this game which will decide the NFC South Champion will not be the Sunday Night Football game. Let me show you why:

Now do you understand? NBC isn't going to put this shitshow in prime time, for heaven's sake. They'll take a team with a massive national fanbase & the Pittsburgh Steelers over this game any day of the week, especially Sunday. One of these teams will get into the playoffs and it'll be a thing. I hope it's the Panthers because Jeremy Lambert gloating about it on Twitter would be pretty funny.

Bengals at Steelers (-3.5): You knew it had to come down to this. Sunday night. Game 256. Bengals. Steelers. Winner is AFC North Champion. Loser goes on the road in the wild card round. The Bengals shocking the world & beating Denver on Monday night in PRIME TIME takes a tiny bit of drama out, as NBC obviously assumed that the Bengals would lose & would be fighting for their playoff lives. It was still the right choice for the final game though, as Detroit never wins in Green Bay & nobody wants to watch the NFC South Championship Game.

Bengals vs. Steelers is a rivalry. But if we're being honest, and I'm always honest, it's pretty one-sided. The Steelers have won 55 games while the Bengals have won 34. Pittsburgh has six Super Bowl championships. Cincinnati lost two to Joe Montana. Pittsburgh has 20 divisional championships while Cincinnati has 8. The Steelers dominated the 70s, 90s, 00s & this decade so far, but the Bengals got the 80s! Heck, the Bengals aren't even the Steelers' biggest rivals. Pittsburgh fans will tell you that the Ravens games are more important, and the Steelers have been playing the Browns for a much longer period of time. Some old school Bengals fans will claim that the Bengals vs. Browns rivalry over Ohio is bigger, especially since Paul Brown started the Bengals franchise after being run out of Cleveland by Art Modell. And, frankly, Bengals vs. Browns is a lot closer. Steelers vs. Browns is closer.

What I can say in support of the rivalry from the perspective of a Bengals fan is that there isn't a football team I hate more than the Pittsburgh Steelers. A lot of people whine & complain about the Patriots dominating media coverage & getting favortism from the NFL. A lot of people hate how the Dallas Cowboys have the label of "America's Team". Neither the Patriots or the Cowboys get on my nerves a fourth as much as the Pittsburgh Steelers do. I despise them with the fire of a thousand suns. I can say that most Bengals fans feel the same way that I do. Sure, we don't like the Browns & we're not too fond of the Ravens either. And yeah, the "national" teams like the Patriots get on our nerves too. But our Steeler hate is on a whole different level.

It's very comparable to rivalries that my other favorite teams have. The Cincinnati Reds vs. the St. Louis Cardinals. The Louisville Cardinals vs. the Kentucky Wildcats. All of these disputes have a couple of things in common: while the Steelers, Cardinals & Wildcats have had proud traditions & it's easy to say that their fans rest on those laurels that they weren't even around to celebrate...they've also had pretty good runs of success lately. The Steelers won two Super Bowls in the 2000s, I've lost count of how many times St. Louis has made it to the World Series over the past ten years, and Kentucky keeps landing the best players in the nation. It's irritating. It's a situation I keep finding myself in as a fan of teams that represent all that is good in America against teams that represent all that is wrong with America. St. Louis represents the sanctimonious "family values" & backwards thinking that keeps us from getting ahead as a nation & getting into the 21st century. Kentucky represents the greed & the arrogance that makes the world hate us.

I will at least give the Steelers & their fans credit for one thing...unlike St. Louis & Kentucky teams & fans, they accept & embrace their role as the villains. They know they're evil. They know that they're the Empire. They're not deluded into thinking they're right & everybody else is wrong & the world is against them...they know that the world is on their side & the system is at their feet. Everything has broken their way this season. Big Ben has been a powerhouse. Le'Veon Bell has been the best running back in the league & Antonio Brown has been the best wide receiver. The defense hasn't screwed things up. This Steeler team could easily run the table the rest of the way & most of us wouldn't be surprised.

Yes, I was wrong when I laughed at Jeremy Lambert before the season began. I underestimated the Pittsburgh offense. As good as the Bengals have been for most of this season and as good as they were Monday night, I just can't see them going into Pittsburgh & getting the same result. The Steelers will win this game & get the 3 seed. May God have mercy on our souls.

Last Week: 11-4-1

Season Record: 117-117-6

NFL Power Rankings: Week 16

Jeremy Lambert is back with his NFL Power Rankings and why fantasy football is dumb. I tend to agree with him that fantasy football is dumb, and I'm not just saying that because I haven't won a league in over five years.....


Welcome to the Ultimate Football Blog Week Sixteen Power Rankings. Like most power rankings, this list is highly official and should never be doubted. If you disagree with it, you’re probably a moron.

If you play fantasy football, your season probably ended this week. Good. Fantasy football is dumb. I was in a league and ended up finishing third. Last year I was in two leagues and I won them both. But it’s still dumb.

People invest so much time, and even money, in fantasy football and why? Root for a team, not a team of individuals on separate teams.

My girlfriend is in deep on fantasy football. She didn’t know a single NFL player last year but with my help won her fantasy football league last season. This season she didn’t rely on me as much, but I still helped her out along the way. She’s extremely competitive and was upset that she finished second in her league this year. I told her that you can’t win every year, but she wasn’t having that. She was pissed at T.Y. Hilton for not playing and even more pissed at Justin Forsett for sucking. You wanna know who was really pissed at those guys? Colts and Ravens fans. Fans who have been following those two teams for years and will continue to root for Forsett and Hilton. My girlfriend now no longer cares about Hilton because her fantasy season is over and probably doesn’t even know that he plays for the Colts.

I don’t care about her fantasy team or your fantasy team. Don’t tweet that you’re upset at Andrew Luck for being terrible when you don’t actually care about Luck and probably wanted to the Colts to lose anyway. I hope Peyton Manning carried your fantasy team all season and then screwed it up in the biggest way possible on Monday night when he threw four interceptions.

Fantasy sports can be fun when you’re not obsessing about them 24/7 or when you find yourself rooting for teams and players you hate just so you win for fantasy league. Sports are pretty dumb in general because we all find ourselves getting too attached to something that we have no control over. Fantasy sports are even dumber because we find ourselves getting too attached to individual players that we really have no control over. They are team sports for a reason. Individual players rely on their teammates to be successful.

With that, I’m officially retiring from all fantasy sports. I’ll only cheer on the teams that I support and the players on that team. I’ll no longer get invested into individual players because I hope that everyone sucks unless they play for my team.

That said, you should still listen to my buddy Steve Cook and his weekly fantasy football podcast even though the season is over.

1. Derek Carr

Future Hall of Famer Derek Carr did what those scrubs Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers couldn’t do against the Buffalo defense: throw a touchdown.

2. NFC South

THE 6-9 FALCONS TAKE ON THE 6-8-1 PANTHERS FOR THE NFC SOUTH DIVISION CROWN!!!!!!

3. Dolphins/Vikings Fourth Quarter

This game was 17-14 when the fourth quarter started. The final score ended up being 37-35. This fourth quarter had it all: touchdowns, field goals, safeties, two point conversions, bad coaching, and everything in between.

4. Saturday Night Football

Where have these primetime games been all season?

5. Jim Harbaugh To Michigan

It’s going to happen and we all know it. Did you see the 49ers blow that lead on Saturday? Harbaugh would much rather be in Michigan making more money and playing in the whatever conference Michigan plays in that isn’t the SEC.

6. “Thanks For Asking”

Marshawn Lynch might be the best interview in sports right now.

7. FIRED UP JIMMY CLAUSEN!

I love Bears fans who actually want Clausen to start next season just because he was fired up and ready to fight the entire Detroit defense. Showing emotion doesn’t make you a good quarterback.

8. Primetime Bengals

I’m not sure if Cold Weather Manning lost or the Primetime Bengals won, but I’ll show the Bengals some love just so Steve Cook doesn’t think I’m bias against his team.

9. People Who Watched Thursday Night Football

God bless you. You’re a better man than I. In fact, I didn’t even know there was a Thursday night game this past week.

10. The INT Battle

With one week left and it looks like Jay Cutler won’t be able to sit on his lead. Can Blake Bortles regain the title he’s held all year? TUNE IN SUNDAY (or whatever day the Bears and Jags play) TO FIND OUT!

20. The Real MVP

We have one week left in the regular season and I have no clue who the MVP is. Aaron Rodgers is probably the front runner, but he hasn’t run away with it as Tom Brady, DeMarco Murray and Tony Romo are all in the mix and you can’t count out J.J. Watt if the Texans make the playoffs.

32. Geno Smith

Once again, Geno wasn’t all that bad. But he’s still Geno Smith and he’s playing in meaningless games. No one shines brighter when the lights are off than Geno Smith.

52. Cardinals QB Situation

The Cardinals could’ve been a legit threat in the playoffs with their defense, but with a fourth string rookie quarterback, I don’t like their chances.

88. Wealthy Jerry Jones

This guy should be backing the dump truck up to the door of Dez Bryant. Get out of here with this “franchise tag” talk.

183. Cold Weather Peyton Manning

I can’t wait to bet against Manning and John Fox in the playoffs.

500. Buffalo Bills Rushing Attack

13 carries for 13 yards. If only they ran the ball 100 times.

1000. New Orleans Saints

What the hell happened to this team? I thought they had the NFC South locked down after beating the Packers and Panthers, but then they lost three straight games before winning at Pittsburgh. They still controlled the NFC South, because the division is that bad, but got drubbed by the Panthers. However, they still controlled the division (did I mention that it’s really bad?) before losing to the Falcons this past week and being officially eliminated from winning the division. This team used to be unbeatable at home but they went 3-5 this year in the Superdome. Maybe they would’ve been better off playing in the Silverdome.

Dustin James' NFL Draft Guide: 2nd Edition

It's officially draft season here at the Ultimate Football Blog and here is all the information you need to keep you up-to-date on all the latest happenings in the NFL.......

The Ultimate Football Blog: 

NFL Draft Guide

2nd Edition

Underclassmen Who Have Declared For The Draft:

-QB Brett Hundley (UCLA)  

-RB Melvin Gordon (Wisconsin)

-RB Todd Gurley (Georgia)

-RB Matt Jones (Florida)

-WR Devin Funchess (Michigan)

-WR Lemar Durant (Simon Fraser)

-OL Tyler Moore (Florida)

-DE Eli Harold (Virginia)

-OLB Dante Fowler (Florida)

-OLB Noah Spence (Ohio State)

-CB Lorenzo Doss (Tulane)

-S Durell Eskridge (Syracuse)

-WR Sammie Coates (Auburn)

-OT T.J. Humphries (Florida)

-S Gerrod Holliman (Louisville)

Current NFL Draft Order:

This would be the current order if the NFL Draft was held today....

1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 

2. Tennessee Titans 

3. Jacksonville Jaguars 

4. Oakland Raiders 

5. Washington Redskins 

6. New York Jets 

7. Atlanta Falcons

8. New York Giants 

9. Chicago Bears

10. Carolina Panthers

11. Minnesota Vikings

12. St. Louis Rams 

13. Houston Texans 

14. Cleveland Browns

15. Miami Dolphins 

16. San Francisco 49ers 

17. San Diego Chargers 

18. Kansas City Chiefs 

19. Cleveland Browns 

20. Philadelphia Eagles

21. New Orleans Saints 

22. Pittsburgh Steelers 

23. Baltimore Ravens

24. Cincinnati Bengals

25. Dallas Cowboys

26. Indianapolis Colts

27. Detroit Lions

28. Green Bay Packers

29. Seattle Seahawks

30. New England Patriots

31. Arizona Cardinals

32. Denver Broncos

It's Mock Draft Time!

(In this space, you will find a full blown mock draft. For the time being, I will be featuring an expert's mock draft until the end of the football season when mine will be officially released. Contain your excitement.....)



This week's mock draft is brought to you by ESPN's own Todd McShay:



1. Tampa Bay Bucccaneers: Marcus Mariota - QB (Oregon)

2. Tennessee Titans: Jameis Winston - QB (Florida State)

3. Jacksonville Jaguars: Leonard Williams - DE (USC)

4. Oakland Raiders: Randy Gregory - DE (Nebraska)

5. Washington Redskins: Shane Ray - DE (Missouri)

6. New York Jets: Amari Cooper - WR (Alabama)

7. Atlanta Falcons: Dante Fowler - DE (Florida)

8. New York Giants: Vic Beasley - DE (Clemson)

9. Chicago Bears: Landon Collins - S (Alabama)

10. Carolina Panthers: Brandon Scherff - OT (Iowa)

11. Minnesota Vikings: Cedric Ogbuehi - OT (Texas A&M)

12. St. Louis Rams: Ereck Flowers - OT (Miami)

13. Houston Texans: Devante Parker - WR (Louisville)

14. Cleveland Browns: Danny Shelton - DT (Washington)

15. San Francisco 49ers: Devin Funchess - WR (Michigan)

16. Miami Dolphins: Shaq Thompson - LB (Washington)

17. Kansas City Chiefs: Kevin White - WR (West Virginia)

18. San Diego Chargers: Eddie Goldman - DT (Florida State)

19. Cleveland Browns: Jaelen Strong - WR (Arizona State)

20. Philadelphia Eagles: Trae Waynes - CB (Michigan State)

21. New Orleans Saints: T.J. Clemmings - OT (Pittsburgh)

22. Pittsburgh Steelers: Malcolm Brown - DT (Texas)

23. Baltimore Ravens: Melvin Gordon - RB (Wisconsin)

24. Cincinnati Bengals: Andrus Peat - OT (Stanford)

25. Dallas Cowboys: Kevin Johnson - CB (Wake Forest)

26. Detroit Lions: Marcus Peters - CB (Washington)

27. Indianapolis Colts: La'El Collins - OT (LSU)

28. Green Bay Packers: Benardrick McKinney - LB (Mississippi State)

29. Seattle Seahawks: Todd Gurley - RB (Georgia)

30. Arizona Cardinals: Bud Dupree - LB (Kentucky)

31. New England Patriots: A.J. Cann - OG (South Carolina)

32. Denver Broncos: Denzel Perryman - LB (Miami)



ESPN.com/Scout Inc's Current Top 32 Players In Draft (underclassmen who haven't declared yet are not listed)


1. Devante Parker - WR (Louisville)

2. Brandon Scherff - OT (Iowa)

3. Danny Shelton - DT (Washington)

4. Cedric Ogbuehi - OT (Texas A&M)

5. Dante Fowler - DE (Florida)

6. Melvin Gordon - RB (Wisconsin)

7. Kevin White - WR (West Virginia)

8. Vic Beasley - DE (Clemson)

9. T.J. Clemmings - OT (Pittsburgh)

10. Devin Funchess - WR (Michigan)

11. Todd Gurley - RB (Georgia)

12. Malcolm Brown - DT (Texas)

13. La'El Collins - OT (LSU)

14. Kevin Johnson - CB (Wake Forest)

15. A.J. Cann - OG (South Carolina)

16. Bud Dupree - LB (Kentucky)

17. Denzel Perryman - LB (Miami)

18. Ifo Ekpre-Olomu - CB (Oregon)



Underclassmen Who Are Ranked, But Have Yet To Declare:


1. Leonard Williams - DE (USC)

2. Marcus Mariota - QB (Oregon)

3. Shane Ray - DE (Missouri)

4. Amari Cooper - WR (Alabama)

5. Randy Gregory - DE (Missouri)

6. Jameis Winston - QB (Florida State)

7. Landon Collins - S (Alabama)

8. Eddie Goldman - DT (Florida State)

9. Ereck Flowers - OT (Miami)

10. Shaq Thompson - LB (Washington)

11. Trae Waynes - CB (Michigan State)

12. Jaelen Strong - WR (Arizona State)

13. Andrus Peat - OT (Stanford)

14. Marcus Peters - CB (Washington)

-You would think the news of Jay Cutler being benched in Chicago wouldn't exactly be "good news" for anyone, but it is good news for teams like St. Louis, Washington, and the New York Jets. The Rams, Redskins, and Jets will all likely be in the market for a quarterback and there's a good chance they won't be drafting high enough to take either Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston. That leaves Cutler as the best available QB on the market. Love him or hate him, Cutler is a decent NFL quarterback who (FOR THE MOST PART) gets a bad rap. He's actually not having as bad a season as the Bears upper management would lead you to believe (that whole team is a mess, especially on the defensive side of the ball), and a change of scenery to a team like the Rams would probably be a great move for both sides.


-There is said to be mutual interest in NFL teams and Notre Dame head coach Brian Kelly. According to Albert Breer of NFL.com, Kelly is reportedly growing frustrated with Notre Dame's administration and could be looking to move on from the team. He could be a name to watch if the San Francisco 49ers job becomes open.


-Jason Cole of Yahoo! Sports mentioned that if the Atlanta Falcons do decide to move on from head coach Mike Smith this season, the team could take a long hard look at current New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan as a potential replacement. The Falcons are reportedly looking to make a huge turnaround on the defensive side of the ball.


-Oregon Duck cornerback Ifo Ekpre-Olomu tore his ACL in practice this week and will miss the remainder of the season. Ekpre-Olomu is considered a "first-round to second-round" NFL talent, but this injury will cause him to slide in the draft. He'll probably fall somewhere in the third-round now.


-Georgia's Leonard Floyd announced that he will be returning to school for his senior season. Not a real shocking move as the draft is loaded with pass rusher's this year and Floyd could see his stock rise to a potential top-10 pick next season if he returns to school and has an outstanding year.


-Florida State kicker Roberto Aguayo is getting a lot of hype heading into the draft. Most experts think he could be a third-round pick (that's REALLY high for a kicker) because "kickers like that don't come around very often" according to one NFL scout.

Slammin' Stevie Cook's Week 16 NFL Picks!

Hi, hello & welcome to Week 16 of the National Football League! I'm Slammin' Stevie Cook, and we're in a tricky situation here. Last week I wanted to take things seriously. So I had my worst record of the year. That obviously means this needs to be the least serious column of the year, which doesn't make sense because teams are getting to the nitty gritty. But, it's not like anything else I've done in my life has made sense, so we might as well roll with it.

Thursday, December 18

Titans at Jaguars (-3): When Jim Nantz & Phil Simms saw this assignment they were all like

The best thing about this game would be if Nantz & Simms decided they didn't give a shit & got drunk before kickoff. It worked for Howard Cosell. I guess I'll take the Jaguars because I have no earthly idea who the Titans will roll out at quarterback, but does anything about this even matter? If you gamble on this game you need to seek help because you have an addiction.

Saturday, December 20

Eagles (-7.5) at Washington: Dustin James keeps trying to push this angle where the current Oregon quarterback ends up going to Philadelphia. I just don't see it, but if the Eagles lose to teams like Washington & end up missing the playoffs, maybe it'll happen. So I know Dustin is rooting for the racist team here, but the problem he has is that Washington just isn't any good. The Eagles should have this. If they don't, expect 20 Marcus Mariota mentions in the next Sunday Wrapup.

Chargers at 49ers (-2.5): I find it hard to pick the 49ers against anybody considering that their head coach is headed out the door & their offense is basically useless. Of course, the Chargers don't have their top wide receiver or top running back. But, they do have the points!

Boy, a Saturday night of games like this makes me wish I had a girlfriend! I do have a job though, which I guess is close enough. You know, except the parts where there's actually some happiness. Or so I'm told. I've really had some bad taste in women over the years, which probably has a lot to do with the selection I've had. But enough sour grapes!

Sunday, December 21

Vikings at Dolphins (-6.5): Miami is hanging on by a very very very slim thread in the playoff hunt. All they need to do is win their games & have most of the conference lose the rest of theirs. They do have the Vikings & the Jets on the schedule, so I can easily see them finishing at 9-7. The thing to watch out for here is that Teddy Bridgewater is coming home to Miami, and I imagine that his family & friends will be in attendance for this game. I think the Dolphins will win, but I wouldn't be shocked if Teddy made this a game. So I say the Vikings just might be the pick here.

Ravens (-5) at Texans: I expected a lot more from the Ravens last week & didn't get it, as they barely managed to beat the Jaguars at home. You don't think the Texans can make it closer? I mean...you don't think JJ Watt can make it closer?

Lions (-7) at Bears: Well at least this Bears game isn't on national TV & I won't have to express my disgust with it before turning it off. They've showed nothing the last three weeks & I doubt this week will be any different since as we've already discussed in this column, they're worse at home. The Lions should take care of business here before their showdown in Green Bay in Week 17.

Browns at Panthers (-4): Jeremy Lambert insists that Johnny Manziel will have a big week this week. He bases this on the Panthers defense being bad & his not seeing Manziel's "effort" against the Bengals last week. Alls I'm saying is that cat is just bad. Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad.

Seriously though, a midget rookie QB with no arm being ungood usually wouldn't be that big a thing except that everybody in the media decided that JOHNNY FOOTBALL had to be a thing. Billy Simmons was picking the Browns last week & saying that football is better if Manziel is good. Based on what? Based on the media's obsession with Manziel ever since his freshman year at Texas's 2nd best college football program. They really want this kid to be good. He isn't. I don't want to say he never will be because I'm a wrestling guy & the first thing you learn following wrestling is "never say never", but he's a long ways away from being a competent pro football quarterback.

And in this day and age, it's not like you get a long time to prove yourself. Tim Tebow's on college football studio shows now because we couldn't wait a few years for him to develop into a pro QB. RG3 is a failure based on a couple of bad years since his rookie season. Whenever Andy Dalton has a bad game we try to run him out of Cincinnati. Really, unless you're Andrew Luck and considered to be the best prospect since John Elway & you're on a good team & win games, your only chance as a young QB is to stay out of the media spotlight. That's why Teddy Bridgewater getting drafted by Minnesota at the end of the 1st round was the best thing to ever happen to him. He didn't get drafted too early, and he went to Minnesota, where the media won't go unless you pay them quadruple the usual rate. He gets to do his thing & learn from his mistakes, and the media isn't going to jump down his throat because he's in a tough situation anyway & nobody expects him to set the world on fire & take the Vikings to the playoffs with that roster. People's expectations for Teddy are reasonable.

Cleveland should be like that, but it isn't. It's too close to that darn East Coast, and there's the championship drought, and there's LeBron James, and now ESPN is pretty much based in Cleveland. The Browns are not a good team and while that roster does have some talent, it's very raw talent and needs some time to grow. I mean, they'd probably win the NFC South, but by most standards it's a team that needs some time. Manziel & Josh Gordon & Jordan Cameron & the various running backs need some time to get accustomed to each other & get on the same page. But they don't have that time because they gotta win now. And maybe they would have had more time if the organization had more foresight in the preseason, but they didn't. Dem's the breaks. I assume that this off-season will be dedicated to getting things ready for Manziel as QB1...but it's Cleveland, so who the hell knows.

What I'm saying is I'll take the Panthers. Lambert just had a heart attack.

Falcons at Saints (-6): Can the Saints get to 8-8 & save the NFC South from having a team under .500 represent them in the playoffs? It's a good possibility since they have this game & a road game with Tampa left. They'll be favored in both. I think they win this game, but it's close enough for the Falcons to be the smart pick in a shootout. No defense, lots of offense.

Which, since it's the NFC South this year, means we'll have a 10-6 game.

Packers (-10.5) at Buccaneers: Did Aaron Rodgers tell Packers fans to relax this week? He should have after that game in Buffalo. We can not allow ourselves to over react to that game and think that the Bucs have a chance here. The Packers will rebound.

Chiefs at Steelers (-3): God would I love it if the Chiefs won this game. But I know better than to pick against the Steelers in times like these. Dustin James should suspend me for this lame preview, but he won't because he knows the Chiefs will lose.

Patriots (-10) at Jets: I mean...the Jets almost won in Foxboro, right? Did I hallucinate that? I can't rule out that possibility because I've been having all sorts of sleep issues lately due to my crazy schedule. The line between my dreams & my reality has never been more blurred. In any event, the Jets have been kinda fiesty lately in Rex's Last Stand, and I think they'll lose this game on a boneheaded play late.

Giants at Rams (-5):

The only halfway interesting thing I can say about this game is that it's ironic that Jeff Fisher & Tom Coughlin will be facing off on the same week that the Titans & Jaguars do, since those guys coached those teams forever. I mean, I guess that's interesting. The Giants have the points so I guess I'll go with them.

Bills (-6) at Raiders: Both of these teams have easily exceeded expectations. The Bills are playoff contenders & the Raiders have won two games. I think Buffalo & Oakland have to rank pretty high on the list of NFL cities you would not want to live in. Hell, let's throw together a quick list of the worst NFL cities to live in.

1. Buffalo: Lake effect snow? No thanks.
2. Oakland: A little too violent for me. Oh, and earthquakes? I don't think so, Tim.
3. Baltimore: Have you seen The Wire?
4. East Rutherford: Is there anything in East Rutherford besides stadiums for NYC's sports teams?
5. Pittsburgh: Too many Steeler fans.
6. St. Louis: Too many St. Louis baseball fans. Higher on this list if you happen to be African American. I am not, so I don't have to worry about cops.
7. Green Bay: What would you do the other eight months of the year?
8. Cleveland: Would be higher on the list but they have LeBron James now.
9. New Orleans: Loved this city the one time I was there, but terrible location.
10. Cincinnati: Not a bad city overall but the people are miserable a good 90% of the time.

I'll take the Bills because if Aaron Rodgers & Peyton Manning can't do much against their defense Derek Carr ain't got a chance in hell.

Colts at Cowboys (-3): The Cowboys have ten wins but most people I know still expect them to miss the playoffs. That's understandable considering how the team has done the past couple of decades in this month, but they looked good on Sunday night in Philly & the dirty little secret about the Colts  that nobody wants to talk about is that the best team they've beaten this season has Andy Dalton as its quarterback. The other one has Joe Flacco, and the four other good teams they've played this season have beaten them. Tough to see this team getting past Denver or New England in the AFC semifinals. HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS?

Seahawks (-7.5) at Cardinals: The Arizona Cardinals are the ultimate "NOBODY BELIEVES IN US" team. You know why nobody belives in them? Because they don't score any touchdowns against the Los Angeles St. Louis Rams, and then we see articles about Bruce Arians letting Ryan Lindley sling it. Why should we believe that's a good idea? I mean, if you wanted Jen Lindley to sling it I'd be all about it, but this guy's done nothing to make me trust him. The Arizona defense....now that's a unit that's more than carrying the day. But, can they carry the day against Seattle?

Well...

I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS!

The Cardinals can not hold off this team. The Seahawks have gotten over their Super Bowl hangover & now they're a team on a mission. Which, to quote Bad News Barrett, is BAD NEWS for everybody else in the NFC.

Monday, December 22

Broncos (-3) at Bengals: Thank Jeebus the Bengals shut down Johnny Midget last week. Because I know how this movie ends. It's a prime time football game with a national audience. Which means...

I haven't exactly been impressed with the Broncos lately, but everything I know about the Bengals tells me that Denver is the smart pick. Peyton Manning is 8-0 against the Bengals in his career, which is kinda silly but makes sense as he's always had the better team. Even if he's not doing much passing wise, he still has CJ Anderson to run the ball a lot & the defense will take advantage of some Prime Time Dalton mistakes. Andy Dalton supporters don't like it when you mention that their guy doesn't get it done when the lights are on bright & the season's on the line, but until he gets it done that's going to be a story.

I hope he finally gets it done, but you can't bet on hope.

Last Week: 5-10-1

Season Record: 106-113-5