Week By Week Transcript of Chip Kelly and Jeffrey Lurie Meetings

Exclusive transcript of Chip Kelly’s weekly meetings with Philadelphia Eagles CEO Jeffrey Lurie.

Off-Season

Kelly: I want full control of the team.

Lurie: I don’t know about that. You’re a good coach, but this isn’t college. You can’t just recruit the best athletes and plug them into your system.

Kelly: Yes, I can.

Lurie: No, I don’t think you understand how this works Chip.

Kelly: I AM ABOVE UNDERSTANDING! You will give me complete control.

*Waves hand*

Lurie: This isn’t Star Wars and you’re not a Jedi. But I am paying you a lot of money. So fine, you can have personnel control. But there will be consequences if you screw it up.

Kelly: Me so happy. 

Pre-Season Conclusion

Kelly: Hey Jeffrey, I was going to get back to you sooner but I was too busy watching my offense score another touchdown. I was playing Tim Tebow for Tebow’s sake and did you see how many points we put up? Just imagine what kind of damage we’ll do with Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray, and all those receivers.

Lurie: Are you still upset that you didn’t get Marcus Mariota?

Kelly: Marcus is a good kid, but the system makes the kid. You think Tom Brady would be this good if it wasn’t for Bill Belichick? Players aren’t good. Coaches and systems make players good. You’re welcome. 

Week 1 (26-24 Loss at Atlanta)

Lurie: Well, what happened?

Kelly: Bad karma for releasing Tebow.

Lurie: That’s it?

Kelly: Yes. We played well, but karma wasn’t on our side.

Lurie: How do you explain eight carries for DeMarco Murray?

Kelly: Nine yards. Listen, God wasn’t on our side because we released his favorite son and Julio Jones is really good. Do you know another team that has a Julio Jones? No.

Lurie: The Cowboys have Dez Bryant.

Kelly: Right, his name is Dez Bryant and he’s hurt. Not Julio Jones. They’re not the same person. Geez. And I’m accused of being racist. 

Week 2 (20-10 Loss vs. Dallas)

Kelly: I know what you’re thinking, but we weren’t prepared for Brandon Weeden. We had a specific game plan for Tony Romo and then this Weeden kid comes in with his old man strength and it just threw me off.

Lurie: What’s wrong with DeMarco?

Kelly: You’ll have to ask him. I gave him the ball plenty of times, but he’s not producing. He still thinks he’s in Dallas where they babied him. He got paid and he thinks he can just stop running hard, but he’s in Philly, he needs to be Philly strong. We don’t baby anyone. Look, it’s only week two. Romo is hurt so the Cowboys are going to be terrible, the Giants are also 0-2, and the Redskins are terrible.

Lurie: You better turn things around. And quick.

Week 3 (24-17 Win at New York Jets)

Kelly: I told you not to worry. Ryan Mathews is Philly Strong, Sam is learning the offense, and the defense made Ryan Fitzpatrick look like a guy who shouldn’t be in the league. And Revis? We threw is his way all game. 118 passing yards and a touchdown on him.

Lurie: I liked what I saw.

Kelly: That’s right, YOU LIKE THAT!

Week 4 (23-20 Loss at Washington)

Kelly: I know what the problem is. It’s DeMarco. He’s just not producing.

Lurie: You brought him in.

Kelly: I brought in the guy who rushed for 1,000 yards last year. If I know he was going to be a baby, I would’ve kept LeSean. We need Oregon Athletes who are Philly Strong. Don’t worry, we play the NFC South in two of the next three weeks. All those teams suck.

Lurie: You just lost to Atlanta.

Kelly: Due to bad karma. 

Week 5 (39-17 Win vs. New Orleans)

Kelly: That’s what I like to see from DeMarco. Oregon Athlete. Philly Strong. The Saints just won the Super Bowl and we dominated them. When everyone buys into the system, there’s no stopping us.

Lurie: Are guys unhappy with the system?

Kelly: Of course not. Do you know how many games I’ve won in my career with this system? I don’t even know the names of 90% of the guys I’ve coached. I just know that I put them in my system and they’re unstoppable. Had you heard of Marcus Mariota before he went to Oregon? Do you see how he’s playing in Tennessee? His coach is about to get fired. The system works. 

Week 6 (27-7 Win vs. New York Giants)

Kelly: FIRST PLACE IN THE NFC EAST!!!

Lurie: You’re happy with that performance?

Kelly: We won by 20. Of course I’m happy. DeMarco proved once again that he's an Oregon Athlete and Philly Strong. The Giants just won the Super Bowl and we beat them by 20. We’ve beaten a team with three Super Bowls in the past 10 years by a combined score of 41. WE TAKIN OVA!

Week 7 (27-16 Loss at Carolina)

Lurie: Well….

Kelly: Well, the Panthers are undefeated and play in a very tough NFC South. Our receivers need to learn how to catch the ball. All I can do is put them in the right spot, and they’re in the right spot 200% of the time because my system is perfect, but I can’t catch the ball for them too.

Lurie: The Panthers have Ted Ginn.

Kelly: Exactly. Do you know many punts he catches a game? And he never drops one. That’s what we need from our receivers. Don’t worry, during the bye week I’m going to throw random objects at all the receivers and if they don’t catch it, I’ll trade them. Catch it. Be an Oregon Athlete. Be Philly Strong. Or get traded. CHIP RULES!

Week 8 (Bye Week)

Lurie: How did your random object throwing go?

Kelly: Fantastic. I threw everything at them. Jelly donuts, bobbleheads, Nike gear, stockings, more Nike gear, cash registers, rubber ducks, USB cords, and even more Nike gear. Not a single thing dropped. Don’t even worry about the Dallas game. It won’t be competitive.

Week 9 (33-27 OT Win at Dallas)

Kelly: What did I tell you? Never in doubt. They couldn’t fool me this time. I was 100% prepared for Brandon Weeden and he didn’t complete a single pass against us. Did you see how I handled the coin toss in overtime? You take the ball and you score a touchdown. That’s what the greats do. That’s what Chip Kelly does. 

Week 10 (20-19 Loss vs. Miami)

Kelly: You can’t put this on me. Sam got hurt and we had to turn to Mark Sanchez. I love Mark, but do you remember the buttfumble? He’s not good. Sam has been playing lights out this season and Mark just doesn’t know the offense yet.

Lurie: He was the starter for half of last season.

Kelly: So? Don’t you understand that I’m a scheme genius and that I’m coming up with new plays and ideas every day. Look, I just thought of this play right now in the 10 seconds, that’s how quick I like to run plays, I’ve been talking to you. Wide Receiver A and Wide Receiver B run crossers while Running Back A runs a seam through the offensive line. All three players pretty much meet in the middle before Wide Receiver A runs a go route, Wide Receiver B stops and hitches, and Running Back A blocks. Do you not see the genius in this play? The defense is so confused because they think it’s the running back running the go route, but it’s the receiver, thus creating a huge mismatch. They end up tackling the running back because I just decided to throw in play action and the play action fake is so good that they don’t realize the running back doesn’t have the ball. If Quarterback A doesn’t want to throw the ball deep, he can dump in down Wide Receiver B, who quickly laterals to Tight End A who is running a late crosser. TOUCHDOWN CHIP KELLY’S OFFENSE!

Week 11 (45-17 Loss vs. Tampa Bay)

Lurie: Well…

Kelly: You brought me here because I’m an offensive genius. It’s not my fault that the defensive coordinator you hired isn’t on the same level as my offense. This is what happens all the time in practice. My offense scores on every possession because the defense that I have nothing to do with is terrible. My offense is undefeated in practice.

Lurie: Chip, you have to admit that this was an embarrassing loss. Tampa Bay was the worst team in the league last year.

Kelly: That was last year. You can’t dwell on the past, Jeffrey. I hate the past so much that I just traded it for salary relief and then signed the present to a $40 million deal. 

Week 12 (45-14 Loss at Detroit)

Lurie: This is unacceptable, Chip. The team has given up nearly 100 points in the last two games.

Kelly: The defense.

Lurie: Well the offense certainly isn’t doing their part.

Kelly: Are you questioning my offense? Don’t question things you don’t understand, Jeffrey. If you really want to be upset at someone, be upset at the bozos who made the schedule. Who wants to play football on Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is a time for family, not football. These guys want to be with their family, not in Detroit. Donald Trump would rather be surrounded by illegal immigrants than in Detroit on Thanksgiving. DON’T QUESTION MY OFFENSE!

Week 13 (35-28 Win at New England)

Kelly: Another game against the recent Super Bowl Champs, another win. All I do is defeat Super Bowl Champs. You know the Mortal Kombat character Shang Tsung? When he wins, he takes his opponents souls. I’m like the Shang Tsung of coaches. When I defeat a recent Super Bowl Champ, I take their Super Bowl Titles. Since 2000, I’ve won seven Super Bowls just this year. 

Week 14 (Win 23-20 vs. Buffalo)

Kelly: Everyone wants to talk about Rex Ryan and how much of a defensive genius he is. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM RYANS, REX? And how about LeSean McCoy. I told you he had to go. He got 20 carries and only produced 74 yards. That'll teach him to disrespect me and my offense. He's not an Oregon Athlete or Philly Strong. He's a Pittsburgh Pansy and Buffalo Weak Sauce.

Lurie: It’s been an up and down year, but the division is still within our grasps. Don’t let it go.

Kelly: Do you not remember our conversation last week when I said I’ve won seven Super Bowls? I don’t play for no fricken division title. I win the whole damn thing. It’s what I did at Oregon and it’s what I’ve done in Philly. 

Week 15 (40-17 Loss vs. Arizona)

Kelly: This was simply unfair. They matched two birds against each other, but Eagles are pretty much extinct and there’s like 20 million Cardinals in just Arizona. We were out-birded.

Lurie: Chip. I’ve not been happy with this season, but there are still two games left against division rivals. Go out there and show me why I hired you and gave you team control. 

Week 16 (38-24 Loss vs. Washington)

Kelly: Before you start, let me explain. I thought this was the NFL. If I wanted to play football on Saturday, I would’ve stayed in college. I’m sorry, I thought this was the pros.

Lurie: Chip, sit down.

Kelly: I already know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that, despite my genius offense and my winning track record; I’ve let you down. Look, I know it was a rough season. But it was only one season. We had a lot of injuries. We had a quarterback who can’t run, which is something I’m going to address in the offseason when I trade for Cam Newton. We had receivers who can’t catch. We had a defense that was hampered by a system that wasn’t up to my offensive level genius. I learned from my mistakes. I learned that not every player is an Oregon Athlete who is Philly Strong. This was a down year, but things happen in the NFL. The Colts were in the AFC title game last year and now they won’t make the playoffs. The smartest people in the world thought the Baltimore Ravens were going to win the Super Bowl and they were terrible. The fricken Carolina Panthers almost went undefeated. It’s one year. Let’s just move on.

Lurie: We’re ready to move on, Chip.

Kelly: Good.

Lurie: Without you.