Saturday, January 2, 2016

Slammin' Stevie Cook's Week 17 NFL Picks!

Hi, hello and welcome to Week 17 of the National Football League! I'm Slammin' Stevie Cook, and thank goodness it's the last week of the regular season! I had my worst week of the year last week, and I don't expect to do better this week. Week 16's excuse was fantasy football, this week's excuses are college football bowl games & Downton Abbey binge-watching to prepare for the final season. At least I won the Official offtheteam.com Fantasy Football League that I occasionally podcast about, so that was pretty sweet. I'll be bragging about that to no end for the next year & the people at that website will hate me even more than usual. It'll be fun.

For one last time in the regular season, let's hook em up!

Sunday, January 3

NY Jets (-2.5) at Buffalo: The Jets likely regret their inability to beat the Bills in the Meadowlands when they had the chance to, as a victory there would surely have them in better position to make the playoffs. As it is, they need to win in order to ensure a spot. If Rex Ryan's team beats the Jets and manages to knock them out of playoff contention, Rex's celebration will make his previous celebration in New Jersey look tame. I believe the Bills will give us a chance to see it. It might look something like this:



New England (-10) at Miami: There are many years where I'd consider taking the Dolphins in a useless Week 17 game against New England. This is not one of those years because they are terrible. The Patriots have to win to ensure homefield advantage for the playoffs, so they're the obvious pick here.

Baltimore at Cincinnati (-9): Baltimore's struggles have been well-documented, but the Bengals haven't exactly been great lately. They've gone 3-4 since their 8-0 start, with their wins coming against losing teams and their losses coming against teams in playoff contention. That doesn't exactly bode well for January, especially now that they've likely blown their opportunity at a first round bye. Its still a possibility, but no Bengal fan thinks it's happening.

The Bengals Law: Anything that can go wrong in January will go wrong.

I still think the Bengals will win this week, but the Ravens should be able to keep it close. Nothing they'd like better at this point than to make life more difficult for their rivals, and Part 1 of that happened last week. Though, if they wanted to continue to cause the Steelers harm, they'd do their part to help the Bengals get a bye so Pittsburgh can't play them next week & get an easy victory.

New Orleans at Atlanta (-4.5):



Actually, this will be a pretty fun game to watch with lots of offense and very little defense. It just won't mean anything in the playoff picture. Gimme the Saints and the points as long as Drew Brees is bothering to play.

Jacksonville at Houston (-6.5): Tough test for the Texans here...the Jaguars have been awful potent lately, at least as far as their offense goes. That's why I'm taking them and the points here.

Pittsburgh (-11) at Cleveland: It brought a tear to my eye to see the Baltimore Ravens defy the odds and beat the Steelers last week to hurt their playoff chances. To a nicer team, it couldn't happen. I would love it if Austin Rivers Davis could somehow lead the charge and deny the Steelers yet another victory, which would ensure their exclusion from the playoffs.

BUT I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS.



The Steelers have the best luck of any football team. So we know that the Jets are going to lose, and the Steelers are going to win, and they will be in the playoffs. And they'll play the Bengals, and they'll win, and my life will pretty much be over.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (-6): The Tennessee Titans are probably the worst team in the league, and that's saying something when you consider some of the absolute trainwrecks that are passing themselves off as football teams this season. The Colts are going to either trot out Josh Freeman or Ryan Lindley or Stephen Morris as their quarterback this week. This game is going to be a complete mess and nobody should watch it. Take the Titans and the points.

Apparently Chuck Pagano will be on his way out when the Colts miss the playoffs, which they will because they need fifteen different things to happen in order to make the playoffs. If I was Chuck Pagano, I would have told Jim Irsay to take this job & stick it up his ass many weeks ago. What coach would win double-digit games with this team without Andrew Luck? It's tough enough to win a ton of games with this team with Andrew Luck, as they still have no defense to speak of. They're kind of bailed out by their division, but they come up short against teams outside their division in the playoffs that have good offenses and good defenses. That comes down more to the general manager & the scouts that can't seem to find people to play defense than to the coach, I would think. Pagano has done as well as he possibly can in the situation he's been given. If Jim Irsay thinks that changing the coach will be some sort of a cure, he's mistaken. They'll get some more wins next year if Luck is healthy, but if they still have no defense they'll still miss the Super Bowl. That's the bottom line.

Washington at Dallas (-4): There is a playoff team in this game, but Washington's status as the #4 seed in the NFC has been cemented. So...



I'll pick Washington because I can't believe that the Cowboys are favored in a game without Dez Bryant, Tony Romo or anybody that people thought might actually help the Cowboys have a good season. I assume this is because a certain percentage of Cowboys fans are such dumb marks that Vegas knows they'll jump on it.

Detroit at Chicago (-1):



I suck at picking both these teams. So I'll go with Da Bears.

Philadelphia at NY Giants (-3.5): And now we go live outside the Philadelphia Eagles' headquarters:



The Chip Kelly Experiment has ended. I'm a little surprised because they decided to give him so much responsibility after last season, but I guess that gave him enough rope to hang himself. The Giants seem like the easy pick, especially with Odell Beckham Jr. coming back from his suspension, but if the Eagles players hated Chip Kelly as much as we hear they did, they'll be playing extra hard this week. That's really all the analysis this game deserves.

Tampa Bay at Carolina (-10.5): I thought for sure that the Panthers' first loss would take place in the playoffs, but they got it out of the way last week in Atlanta. It'll be interesting to see how they respond to their first bit of adversity all season. I expect them to steamroll a Buccaneer team that's on a losing streak and stumbling & bumbling their way into the off season. The only possible flaw the Panthers face this week is that Jeremy Lambert will be in attendance. Hopefully they can overcome that.

Oakland at Kansas City (-7): The Chiefs still have a chance at winning the AFC West and should come out ready to kick some Raider tail. I think they win, but the Raiders are getting the pick here because the Chiefs couldn't even blow out the Browns last week. If I'm a Chiefs fan I'm a little concerned about that performance, and the fact that this is a rivalry game & the Raiders are looking for pride & hoping to send Charles Woodson off as a winner.

San Diego at Denver (-9): The Chiefs need the Broncos to lose here, and that's not happening. I think this is another close AFC West game though, which is why the Chargers are the pick. I'd like to see them win outright and help the Bengals out a little bit, but the odds of the Bengals getting helped out by other teams aren't good.

St. Louis (-3.5) at San Francisco:



Let's give it to the Los Angeles Rams.

Seattle at Arizona (-6.5): The Seahawks can sweep the Cardinals & get swept by the Rams in the same season. It makes no sense at all, but that's how its been going this season. Seattle is like a number of teams at the top of the league...they're not as good as they usually are, but they're still contenders because there's nobody out there to take their playoff spot.

Its getting worse for the Seahawks by the week and I can't see them advancing in the playoffs unless they play Washington. Which is why they need to win this game. Unfortunately for them, Arizona also needs this game to get homefield advantage, and it's not like they'll find out the Panthers result earlier in the day and then decide whether or not to rest their starters. Its all hands on deck for the Cardinals, which is bad news for Seattle on the road.

Minnesota at Green Bay (-3): The NFC North title is on the line in this game. Both teams will be playing next week, but the winner gets a home game while the loser goes on the road. That's fairly important. I thought the Vikings were a year or two away from contending, but it's been accelerated because there are just not that many good teams out there this season. The Lions & Bears fell off the map, and the Packers are not quite as good as they usually are, so Adrian Peterson has another chance at playoff glory after all. He probably didn't expect that when he was trying to get traded in the preseason. I would love to pick the Vikings here, and I hope they win, but the Packers come up big in these situations, especially on THE FROZEN TUNDRA OF LAMBEAU FIELD. It'll be frozen, right? We get snow games in El Paso instead of Chicago these days, so you never know.



Last Week: 5-11

2015 Season: 128-106-7

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